[How strange, that Lavi had meant to comfort Four, and now it's her words that are reaching him this time.
If she said it with confidence, like she truly believed, then he would have pulled back. Retreated behind the mask he always fools himself into thinking isn't real. It would have hurt him to look at her sincerity, like staring too long into the sun. But Four speaks like it's a hope, a mirage that could burst at any moment.
He believes in her hesitation more than he would have her certainty, because it echoes what he's thinking, it echoes the doubt in his voice when he replies,]
...I don't know how to be anything else.
[He looks down at their joined hands, then at Four. The smile on his face is equally tentative. He can't tell if it's his real smile, or Lavi's. But it's something. It's there.]
But I guess I can't just sit back and do nothing, not if you're gonna try.
[ four is too cold to have sincerity with any degree of warmth. she has fewer pretenses here, now that she's died and died again, with a screen that strips away enough walls she wants to continue to build up. old habits are hard to break, and she can't stop herself from wanting to be different, from wanting to be something else, from wanting what she doesn't have, from wanting things she thinks she could never have.
she gives him a smile in return despite what she's about to say next. ]
You don't have to smile, if you don't wish to.
[ if he doesn't know who he's smiling for or why he's smiling. ]
As long as you try not to.... [ leave her or abandon her, he doesn't need to smile for her. ]
As long as you're.... here, I don't need you to try to be.... whoever you think you need to be.
[ if being a Bookman is how he can accept her, that's fine. if not being a Bookman is what means he won't turn on her for some reason, that's fine, too. she'll take whatever combination makes her feel better.
her lips part to say, I don't need you to be anyone but someone who's fine with me, but she's always been a coward. ]
Four tells him he doesn't have to smile, but he finds himself doing just that. But for once, not in an attempt to please or pacify. Just from something soft and genuine, a place that's more him than he's ever been willing to admit.]
...That's my line, you know? [maybe Four can really read his thoughts after all.
Maybe that's another sign of how similar they are. The first few times Lavi's talked to Four, she'd always been trying to keep herself under control. Put her best face forward, no matter what.]
You don't have to hold back around me either, Clover. I wanna remember the real you.
[ she continues to hold back because she thinks he won't put up with the real her. at her worst, at her most insecure, at her most paranoid, even she can't stand it.
(she's never been able to stand herself. that's why she focuses on standing others less.)
she is too scared to be known. ]
.... You won't leave once you know the real me, will you?
[ if he decides to lean back into that part of being a Bookman..... not that she knows much about being a Bookman, but the implications of his memory are enough to feed into her anxieties that he would just up and go. ]
[The part that wants to reassure her is automatic, as false as his words might be. Why would he leave? He could say. We're in hell now, there's no where else to go. Is another possible reply.
He looks at their joined hands, then tilts his head up a little to meet Four's gaze.]
...If I leave, it won't be because of you.
[then, as if he can sense her anxiety, he squeezes her hand.]
You can come with me. I always travel to record history or go on missions. Never really went for fun before.... So I want to see all the other places here, if I can.
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If she said it with confidence, like she truly believed, then he would have pulled back. Retreated behind the mask he always fools himself into thinking isn't real. It would have hurt him to look at her sincerity, like staring too long into the sun. But Four speaks like it's a hope, a mirage that could burst at any moment.
He believes in her hesitation more than he would have her certainty, because it echoes what he's thinking, it echoes the doubt in his voice when he replies,]
...I don't know how to be anything else.
[He looks down at their joined hands, then at Four. The smile on his face is equally tentative. He can't tell if it's his real smile, or Lavi's. But it's something. It's there.]
But I guess I can't just sit back and do nothing, not if you're gonna try.
no subject
she gives him a smile in return despite what she's about to say next. ]
You don't have to smile, if you don't wish to.
[ if he doesn't know who he's smiling for or why he's smiling. ]
As long as you try not to.... [ leave her or abandon her, he doesn't need to smile for her. ]
As long as you're.... here, I don't need you to try to be.... whoever you think you need to be.
[ if being a Bookman is how he can accept her, that's fine. if not being a Bookman is what means he won't turn on her for some reason, that's fine, too. she'll take whatever combination makes her feel better.
her lips part to say, I don't need you to be anyone but someone who's fine with me, but she's always been a coward. ]
no subject
Four tells him he doesn't have to smile, but he finds himself doing just that. But for once, not in an attempt to please or pacify. Just from something soft and genuine, a place that's more him than he's ever been willing to admit.]
...That's my line, you know? [maybe Four can really read his thoughts after all.
Maybe that's another sign of how similar they are. The first few times Lavi's talked to Four, she'd always been trying to keep herself under control. Put her best face forward, no matter what.]
You don't have to hold back around me either, Clover. I wanna remember the real you.
no subject
(she's never been able to stand herself. that's why she focuses on standing others less.)
she is too scared to be known. ]
.... You won't leave once you know the real me, will you?
[ if he decides to lean back into that part of being a Bookman..... not that she knows much about being a Bookman, but the implications of his memory are enough to feed into her anxieties that he would just up and go. ]
no subject
He looks at their joined hands, then tilts his head up a little to meet Four's gaze.]
...If I leave, it won't be because of you.
[then, as if he can sense her anxiety, he squeezes her hand.]
You can come with me. I always travel to record history or go on missions. Never really went for fun before.... So I want to see all the other places here, if I can.