[He blinks at her, a little owlishly, then he closes his eye at the touch, smile still bright and wide. It is very cold and possibly wet, but he's enjoying it, for both the novelty and because it's Four.]
[ it takes longer for it to sink in what she did because it's almost a marvel that he's willing to trust her like this and smile in front of her like this. (what kind of smile is this? how genuine is this smile?)
it's a novelty for her, too, that someone like lavi would enjoy being with her like this even if he's going to get a cold like this (if you can catch a cold when you're dead).
when it does register, she tenses, and she's not sure if it's better for her to stay like this or to take her hand away. ]
[Lavi thinks about how five weeks isn't nearly enough for him to lose four years of self-ingrained instinct. that whenever someone reaches for him, he thinks for a split second that their hands will turn into cold metal. a gun to his head, to his heart. he thinks that it must be that danger, the adrenaline that makes his heart beat a little faster even now. (idiot)
four tenses, and his hand goes up to cover hers, keeping her in place.]
I'll get better.
[what a funny thing to say in this place, where things aren't meant to be better.]
[ he is an idiot, but he's not completely wrong. she is a weapon, a bomb waiting to detonate. they're only lucky her detonator is in a world outside of this hell. he places his hand over hers, and her heartrate picks up. warmth rises to her cheeks. she wants to look away from him, but she can't.
she thinks it's a stupid thing to say to her when she can snap him like a twig, but she also thinks it's sweet of him to say. she can be a threat and a detriment to anyone. he shouldn't want her to stay like this. ]
... You don't have to endure it.
[ he should know what she's like by now. he's smarter than the airs he puts on, more observant, but he's also dumber and more emotional than he's been trained to be.
[which is a strange thing to feel and also say. he sees the color rise in Four's cheeks and his heart twists, that four can be both so incredibly angry and petty and full of hate and misery, and also be surprised at acts of closeness, of kindness.
Lavi carefully releases her hand, though he doesn't move his face away. He'll let Four make that move, if she wants to.]
[ she doesn't want to pinpoint all the emotions that spike when he lets go of her hand. her eyes widen, and they flash most with the surprise she feels (at not wanting him to let go even if she expects it). she can't settle on if she's angrier at him or herself for it.
(she caves too easily to these kinds of gestures, to these kind of words.)
she shuts her eyes, and when she opens her eyes, she lifts her other hand to cup his face. ]
Why would you want to?
[ when it would be so easy for her to snap his neck like this? when she's someone who would think something like that? ]
[She could really kill him. But if there's anything Lavi's learned, anyone can kill him. The people he hates, the people he's fond of, the people he has no idea what to think of but they're out there.
He thinks Four could slot into that second category easy,]
It's cause I know that I'm not supposed to. [want.
he hesitates, his smile unraveling into something softer, no less real.]
I still can't shake off those expectations. [all those years of training, not to mention how their cyoa is gonna wallop him again with the memories, but setill] But whenever I see you, I'm reminded that I can.
[ his words make her tremble, and she thinks there's something unreal about them, but she doesn't dislike it. for once, she neither wants to move away nor make him move away. she wants to stay like this for a little while longer with the cold snow slowly melting off them.
there are words she wants to say to him in return but can't, even if she's been more confident this week. it's taking all her confidence simply to stay like this.
she is too selfish for words to encapsulate, but there is still so much she won't ever let herself do. ]
It's difficult to shake off how you were trained. It's even more difficult to disregard your duty, but there's little duty to be had unless you're revived.
[ smashcut to his cyoa where he's hit over the head with it anyway. ]
[Four says "for now", and Lavi thinks about how funny it is, that even in death, their lives can still be so uncertain. But that uncertainty has led him here, standing in front of her, cheeks simultaneously cold and hot, as he peers into Four's expression and wonders what she's thinking of.]
...Same goes for you, y'know.
[What does Four want? He knows what she wants from him, the steady reassurance of someone who won't simply up and leave, even if it's in his nature. Or maybe a reminder that she can have much worse, do much worse, than have him constantly tag along at her heels.]
It's like you said, we're more than what we were made to be.
[ what she wants is for someone to stay, someone whom she knows won't turn around and stab her in the back. she wants is someone who won't give her nightmares. what she wants is someone to accept her for who and what she is, know her terrors and horrors and won't decide that's too much or not enough.
(in the end, isn't what she wants to be loved? it doesn't matter what kind of love.)
there's yearning in the furrow of her brows, a wordless kind of beseeching in her eyes, anxiety in the downturn curve of her lips. ]
... I know I said that, but I don't know what that means for me.
[ she isn't letting him go yet, not until he takes the first step back, but she won't do anything more either.
how can she know what more she can be when she doesn't fully know what she was made to be? ]
[that's fair, considering Lavi doesn't know either. He'd never thought 'not knowing' could be a good thing. at least, it doesn't prick at him in all the ways it usually does. maybe it's because he can stand here and not know together with Four.]
Hmmm...
[he puts both his hands over Four's, clasps them tighter to his face.]
What's something you never had time for back home, but you always wanted to do?
[ his question makes her expression go blank. it's not so much that she's never had anything she's wanted to do or that she's never thought of anything she wanted to but never could do, but it's a lot of things she doesn't want to tell lavi.
it ranges from things like relax and do nothing to washing her hands of all her responsibilities and some things in between. ]
Go on a da— [ panic swells. ] I mean, go collect dahlias.
[ he really is so brave because she could break his neck here or throw him over her shoulder. when four is taken off guard, she either shuts down or lashes out. it's a flip of a coin.
a little confidence can go a long way, and she doesn't hate all bravery. ]
Would you give me dahlias?
[ the way this question is also bolstered by alpha week. ]
[Lavi has given so many people flowers. He's probably used the same lines too, 'a flower for our friendship', because tokens are a good way to get people's hearts to open, for them to look upon you fondly, and flowers are both precious in that they symbolize more and useful in that they fade ever so quickly. Like they never existed, like they were never there. Flowers don't last. That's why they're perfect.
...He doesn't want to give Four a flower.]
...I want to go and collect them with you.
[He doesn't want to give her a fleeting moment, a meaningless object. He wants to stretch out that memory just a little longer.....]
Let's go to another island, once this is all over. Maybe we'll find one that's just for flowers, and we can pick as many as we want then.
[ flowers don't last. flowers are transient. flowers are meant to die. that's why you should cherish them for the short time they're around.
or forget them until even after they wilt and die.
what he says makes her smile. it's a wonder that he'd still want to stick around her even after everything is over. even after asking him if he wouldn't leave, there's a part of her that doesn't trust he'd stay.
she finally moves her hands from his face, freeing his cheeks of the hot and cold that comes with interacting her. instead, she holds his hands, intertwining their fingers together. ]
... All right. It's a plan.
[ she wants to go to an island of flowers with him, whatever it is, whatever that means. it's possible she'd go anywhere with him right now. ]
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...That feels nice too.
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it's a novelty for her, too, that someone like lavi would enjoy being with her like this even if he's going to get a cold like this (if you can catch a cold when you're dead).
when it does register, she tenses, and she's not sure if it's better for her to stay like this or to take her hand away. ]
... You'll fall ill like this.
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four tenses, and his hand goes up to cover hers, keeping her in place.]
I'll get better.
[what a funny thing to say in this place, where things aren't meant to be better.]
Plus, I'm tougher than I look.
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she thinks it's a stupid thing to say to her when she can snap him like a twig, but she also thinks it's sweet of him to say. she can be a threat and a detriment to anyone. he shouldn't want her to stay like this. ]
... You don't have to endure it.
[ he should know what she's like by now. he's smarter than the airs he puts on, more observant, but he's also dumber and more emotional than he's been trained to be.
it'd be nicer if he were tougher, as he says. ]
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[which is a strange thing to feel and also say. he sees the color rise in Four's cheeks and his heart twists, that four can be both so incredibly angry and petty and full of hate and misery, and also be surprised at acts of closeness, of kindness.
Lavi carefully releases her hand, though he doesn't move his face away. He'll let Four make that move, if she wants to.]
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(she caves too easily to these kinds of gestures, to these kind of words.)
she shuts her eyes, and when she opens her eyes, she lifts her other hand to cup his face. ]
Why would you want to?
[ when it would be so easy for her to snap his neck like this? when she's someone who would think something like that? ]
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He thinks Four could slot into that second category easy,]
It's cause I know that I'm not supposed to. [want.
he hesitates, his smile unraveling into something softer, no less real.]
I still can't shake off those expectations. [all those years of training, not to mention how their cyoa is gonna wallop him again with the memories, but setill] But whenever I see you, I'm reminded that I can.
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there are words she wants to say to him in return but can't, even if she's been more confident this week. it's taking all her confidence simply to stay like this.
she is too selfish for words to encapsulate, but there is still so much she won't ever let herself do. ]
It's difficult to shake off how you were trained. It's even more difficult to disregard your duty, but there's little duty to be had unless you're revived.
[ smashcut to his cyoa where he's hit over the head with it anyway. ]
... I think it's fine if you want, for now.
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...Same goes for you, y'know.
[What does Four want? He knows what she wants from him, the steady reassurance of someone who won't simply up and leave, even if it's in his nature. Or maybe a reminder that she can have much worse, do much worse, than have him constantly tag along at her heels.]
It's like you said, we're more than what we were made to be.
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(in the end, isn't what she wants to be loved? it doesn't matter what kind of love.)
there's yearning in the furrow of her brows, a wordless kind of beseeching in her eyes, anxiety in the downturn curve of her lips. ]
... I know I said that, but I don't know what that means for me.
[ she isn't letting him go yet, not until he takes the first step back, but she won't do anything more either.
how can she know what more she can be when she doesn't fully know what she was made to be? ]
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Hmmm...
[he puts both his hands over Four's, clasps them tighter to his face.]
What's something you never had time for back home, but you always wanted to do?
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it ranges from things like relax and do nothing to washing her hands of all her responsibilities and some things in between. ]
Go on a da— [ panic swells. ] I mean, go collect dahlias.
[ yes, that is exactly what she meant. ]
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Why dahlias?
[cause it starts with..... da..........?]
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They're pretty.
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[lavi is so brave right now and he knows it, bolstered by alpha week and the way Four hasn't beaten him up yet,]
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a little confidence can go a long way, and she doesn't hate all bravery. ]
Would you give me dahlias?
[ the way this question is also bolstered by alpha week. ]
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...He doesn't want to give Four a flower.]
...I want to go and collect them with you.
[He doesn't want to give her a fleeting moment, a meaningless object. He wants to stretch out that memory just a little longer.....]
Let's go to another island, once this is all over. Maybe we'll find one that's just for flowers, and we can pick as many as we want then.
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or forget them until even after they wilt and die.
what he says makes her smile. it's a wonder that he'd still want to stick around her even after everything is over. even after asking him if he wouldn't leave, there's a part of her that doesn't trust he'd stay.
she finally moves her hands from his face, freeing his cheeks of the hot and cold that comes with interacting her. instead, she holds his hands, intertwining their fingers together. ]
... All right. It's a plan.
[ she wants to go to an island of flowers with him, whatever it is, whatever that means. it's possible she'd go anywhere with him right now. ]
We can go to however many islands you'd like.