[Well. Usually. I GUESS IF HE SEES HIM POST-BATH ON THURSDAY HE'LL CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE CRACKED EDGES OF KANDA'S SEAL though probably not much of it since Kanda's undershirt just has a t-shirt neck tragically. But this is a Wednesday thread so not yet.
...But he knows Lavi's just going to keep asking for more if that's all he says, so even though this is a GREAT HASSLE, he adds--] It's slower than it was.
[Lavi picks out the last precise memory of Kanda in battle, regenerating from yet another wound -- and it's precise because he knows the exact date and time and hour, where it was and who they were with. and it really wasn't that long ago at all, right before he'd been sent to China in fact.
So whatever happened -- whatever changed -- must have happened while Lavi was MIA, when Kanda was either at Jordan or taken to the North American branch.]
How bad was North America? [how hard did you push yourself?] Three years, and your ability's always been the same.
[well except for the progression of Kanda's tattoo, which Lavi clearly remembers too,]
Kanda doesn't answer--but he does meet Lavi's gaze. There's... a depth, there, a worn, hollow grief that he can't fully mask, tinged with faint regret--but he's steady and calm in the face of Lavi's rising distress.]
I'm still here, aren't I?
[Even though Alma tried, overwhelmed with rage and grief and pain--to stop him from learning the truth, to grant him peace and freedom, to make them into martyrs and stain the Order's reputation forever.
Against all odds, Kanda survived, like he always does. Even here, disconnected from his healing and learning what it's like to look at blemishes on his skin or feel the pain from cuts and bruises for longer than a minute, he can't quite view himself as mortal. As human. He doesn't know how he feels, now that he's the closest to it that he's ever been--but in the end, he's still standing, and isn't that all that matters?]
[It's not a depth Lavi's used to seeing from Kanda -- or has seen ever.
at least, not before waking up here with months between them. before seeing the name 'alma karma' inked across kanda's skin, and the expression on his face when Lavi spoke it out loud. people can have so many regrets, hundreds of them, but Kanda does not -- so Lavi can't help link the two together. that moment and now.
and just like then, a spark of frustration races through him.]
For now.
[and isn't that the crux of the problem? because for everyone else, Lavi lives with a part of him always ready to lose them, one hand offered and the other hand waiting to scribble in the date of death. but kanda.... sometime between all the regenerating and miraculous saves and surviving, he'd become an exception somehow. do you think I'd die in there? back then, the right answer was yes, because Kanda couldn't be an exception -- but now when thinks of that question again, the truth rears up inside him.
no, because I got used to you living, and mysterious spooky cult towns is one thing, but knowing that you're still different even when we got back home is another
he reaches out to take Kanda's wrist, the hold looser than his hug earlier,]
Let's keep it that way.
[as if it's up to them. but he doesn't know what else to say, because he hadn't counted on this happening in the first place. doesn't know what face to put on, or to scale back his frustration and fear to a manageable level or even voice it in a way that he won't regret for a myriad of reasons]
[He's fast enough that he could pull away. It would be easy to step out of range of Lavi's reach, especially when he isn't playing dumb and cheerful and throwing himself forward. What he should do is draw Mugen and hold it out in warning, the way he always used to do at the slightly infraction.
But he's... well. "Less angry than he used to be" isn't quite right, because his temper is as short as ever, and any memory of what the Order did to him is enough to spark that old fury. Some part of his soul has settled, eased by the knowledge that he finally found what he'd been searching for, but weariness and shifted focus don't mean he's suddenly a sweet person. "More open to forming bonds, or at least acknowledging the ones he already has" isn't right either. They're still Exorcists. Kanda still has very little desire to let anyone in, especially when he might have to turn his blade against them a day later. None of that has changed just because of what happened in North America.
Still... no matter how much Kanda would deny it, their similarities have not escaped him. More than once, he and Lavi have understood each other in ways that no one else could, not even Lenalee, with her sincere humanity. And it's undeniable that this situation isn't quite the same as what they're used to. There are countless similarities, but very rarely have they ever been so detached from the Order and the roles they're meant to fulfill. If they didn't have each other here, they'd be faring much worse. Kanda knows that, even if he'd never say so.
He turns his wrist slightly, just enough to rest his fingertips on Lavi's before he pulls away, uncharacteristically gentle.]
Worry more about yourself.
[If Lavi gets himself killed because he was too busy running around making sure Kanda won't talk an irate mob into spitefully voting for him, he will be extremely displeased.]
[He's wearing gloves so he shouldn't technically feel anything, but he does -- the slight coolness of Kanda's temperature, always running cold, there and gone. He'd expected a shove or a scoff, not this -- and it rattles him, another point of change, but at the same time... it's not entirely something unwelcome.
he closes his eye, decides not to think about it any longer, and opens it again with a smile,]
M'good at being careful.
[He stands up, dusting himself off, and then reaches down to grab Kanda's arm and haul him up too, dusting him too.]
So I'll be fine, as long as I don't turn into another lizard.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
...What about the rest?
[HE MEANS YOUR REGENERATION KANDA]
no subject
[Well. Usually. I GUESS IF HE SEES HIM POST-BATH ON THURSDAY HE'LL CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE CRACKED EDGES OF KANDA'S SEAL though probably not much of it since Kanda's undershirt just has a t-shirt neck tragically. But this is a Wednesday thread so not yet.
...But he knows Lavi's just going to keep asking for more if that's all he says, so even though this is a GREAT HASSLE, he adds--] It's slower than it was.
no subject
So whatever happened -- whatever changed -- must have happened while Lavi was MIA, when Kanda was either at Jordan or taken to the North American branch.]
How bad was North America? [how hard did you push yourself?] Three years, and your ability's always been the same.
[well except for the progression of Kanda's tattoo, which Lavi clearly remembers too,]
no subject
Kanda doesn't answer--but he does meet Lavi's gaze. There's... a depth, there, a worn, hollow grief that he can't fully mask, tinged with faint regret--but he's steady and calm in the face of Lavi's rising distress.]
I'm still here, aren't I?
[Even though Alma tried, overwhelmed with rage and grief and pain--to stop him from learning the truth, to grant him peace and freedom, to make them into martyrs and stain the Order's reputation forever.
Against all odds, Kanda survived, like he always does. Even here, disconnected from his healing and learning what it's like to look at blemishes on his skin or feel the pain from cuts and bruises for longer than a minute, he can't quite view himself as mortal. As human. He doesn't know how he feels, now that he's the closest to it that he's ever been--but in the end, he's still standing, and isn't that all that matters?]
no subject
at least, not before waking up here with months between them. before seeing the name 'alma karma' inked across kanda's skin, and the expression on his face when Lavi spoke it out loud. people can have so many regrets, hundreds of them, but Kanda does not -- so Lavi can't help link the two together. that moment and now.
and just like then, a spark of frustration races through him.]
For now.
[and isn't that the crux of the problem? because for everyone else, Lavi lives with a part of him always ready to lose them, one hand offered and the other hand waiting to scribble in the date of death. but kanda.... sometime between all the regenerating and miraculous saves and surviving, he'd become an exception somehow. do you think I'd die in there? back then, the right answer was yes, because Kanda couldn't be an exception -- but now when thinks of that question again, the truth rears up inside him.
no, because I got used to you living, and mysterious spooky cult towns is one thing, but knowing that you're still different even when we got back home is another
he reaches out to take Kanda's wrist, the hold looser than his hug earlier,]
Let's keep it that way.
[as if it's up to them. but he doesn't know what else to say, because he hadn't counted on this happening in the first place. doesn't know what face to put on, or to scale back his frustration and fear to a manageable level or even voice it in a way that he won't regret for a myriad of reasons]
no subject
But he's... well. "Less angry than he used to be" isn't quite right, because his temper is as short as ever, and any memory of what the Order did to him is enough to spark that old fury. Some part of his soul has settled, eased by the knowledge that he finally found what he'd been searching for, but weariness and shifted focus don't mean he's suddenly a sweet person. "More open to forming bonds, or at least acknowledging the ones he already has" isn't right either. They're still Exorcists. Kanda still has very little desire to let anyone in, especially when he might have to turn his blade against them a day later. None of that has changed just because of what happened in North America.
Still... no matter how much Kanda would deny it, their similarities have not escaped him. More than once, he and Lavi have understood each other in ways that no one else could, not even Lenalee, with her sincere humanity. And it's undeniable that this situation isn't quite the same as what they're used to. There are countless similarities, but very rarely have they ever been so detached from the Order and the roles they're meant to fulfill. If they didn't have each other here, they'd be faring much worse. Kanda knows that, even if he'd never say so.
He turns his wrist slightly, just enough to rest his fingertips on Lavi's before he pulls away, uncharacteristically gentle.]
Worry more about yourself.
[If Lavi gets himself killed because he was too busy running around making sure Kanda won't talk an irate mob into spitefully voting for him, he will be extremely displeased.]
no subject
he closes his eye, decides not to think about it any longer, and opens it again with a smile,]
M'good at being careful.
[He stands up, dusting himself off, and then reaches down to grab Kanda's arm and haul him up too, dusting him too.]
So I'll be fine, as long as I don't turn into another lizard.