[but even emotion has to be eventually spent. slowly, quietly, the sobs lessen, petering out into soft, quiet breaths. his mind empties of emotion and logic, focusing instead on the sensations. the grass scratching his cheek, the chill from the breeze brushing against his damp face.
Alive. I'm alive.
he waits for the veritable rush of grief and disappointment. and they do appear briefly, dully, before fading. because maybe he did want to be voted for -- some small part of him wanted the blame placed squarely on his shoulders, wanted out of these rituals and trials and the constant disappointment and hope thwarted. but most of all, wanted nothing more than to see Yuu again in a way that's solely, wholly him.
He can't forget how he saw him last.
But he can remember more than just the town. He can remember Kanda in all those three years of knowing him, remember every day and moment. the time spent in battle, the brief periods when they were not. kanda with the people who cared for him the most -- with lenalee, scolding him in a way no one else could ever manage to do. marie, sitting by him and offering a gentle hand. tiedoll, finishing the last brushstroke of a portrait, adoration in every line. komui, reever, johnny. chaoji, the newest member of kanda's life, but full of admiration. allen, a constant thorn in each other's sides. krory, miranda, timothy, swinging in orbit and then out, and then back again.
kanda standing a little apart from everyone else, but always, always included.
yuu and alma bursting into hiccups of laughter, smiles bright.
ah.
he thought he shed all his tears but they come upon him again, soft and quiet -- this time meant for Yuu in his entirety, and not for all the desperate mistakes Lavi committed for him. just kanda. just yuu. just him. defined not by the end thrust upon him or his tragic fate. but just how he lived, quietly and stubbornly and oh so wonderfully. the press of his shoulder against Lavi's, all of his promises, more and more details until they blot out the sky overhead. until the tears blur and drip again and lavi can breathe easy.]
...You better write.
[except there's no heat to his words. he doesn't mean them. he doesn't think kanda should have to do anything anymore. if there really is an other side, then... he wants him to be alright, more than anything.]
I'll write too.
[soon, once he picks himself up, once he remembers to be something other than his true self. but for now, he just lies on the ground and looks at the stars, watching the memories go by.]
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2/2
Alive. I'm alive.
he waits for the veritable rush of grief and disappointment. and they do appear briefly, dully, before fading. because maybe he did want to be voted for -- some small part of him wanted the blame placed squarely on his shoulders, wanted out of these rituals and trials and the constant disappointment and hope thwarted. but most of all, wanted nothing more than to see Yuu again in a way that's solely, wholly him.
He can't forget how he saw him last.
But he can remember more than just the town. He can remember Kanda in all those three years of knowing him, remember every day and moment. the time spent in battle, the brief periods when they were not. kanda with the people who cared for him the most -- with lenalee, scolding him in a way no one else could ever manage to do. marie, sitting by him and offering a gentle hand. tiedoll, finishing the last brushstroke of a portrait, adoration in every line. komui, reever, johnny. chaoji, the newest member of kanda's life, but full of admiration. allen, a constant thorn in each other's sides. krory, miranda, timothy, swinging in orbit and then out, and then back again.
kanda standing a little apart from everyone else, but always, always included.
yuu and alma bursting into hiccups of laughter, smiles bright.
ah.
he thought he shed all his tears but they come upon him again, soft and quiet -- this time meant for Yuu in his entirety, and not for all the desperate mistakes Lavi committed for him. just kanda. just yuu. just him. defined not by the end thrust upon him or his tragic fate. but just how he lived, quietly and stubbornly and oh so wonderfully. the press of his shoulder against Lavi's, all of his promises, more and more details until they blot out the sky overhead. until the tears blur and drip again and lavi can breathe easy.]
...You better write.
[except there's no heat to his words. he doesn't mean them. he doesn't think kanda should have to do anything anymore. if there really is an other side, then... he wants him to be alright, more than anything.]
I'll write too.
[soon, once he picks himself up, once he remembers to be something other than his true self. but for now, he just lies on the ground and looks at the stars, watching the memories go by.]
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