[he will take hers as they keep walking. where are they going, nobody knows... Lavi just keeps going.
It was so peaceful.
Must be nice.
the nice thing about thought share is that lavi can't stop it -- every little ugly thought that runs through his head, even on the eve of so much death. the most he can do is choose not to say it out loud.]
[ it's okay her thoughts are so ugly too and they are gushing out ]
[ Right. Got to say I love you to her people before they died. Got to hear it back. Got to choose whether she'd be revived or not. ]
[ Lucky Astarion and Gale, too. No one's going to try to stab them or condescend to them. No one's gonna resent them for this. No one's going to treat them like assholes and then come to THEIR house and then accuse THEIR friend of killing HIS person and then spout some crap about how he has to survive until the end with them. ]
[They're an echo of his -- how unfair it all is. how history will always be, because people will always be, and the whole point of his existence is so that it'll be fair for everyone -- not just for one party or for one group of people or --
he sets his jaw and stops walking, tugging Yuffie to a stop.]
[ yuffie is yanked back comically when he stops, startling a bit, like cartoonishly, despite everything ]
Huh?
[ ok, no it clicks ]
Not to me. To you.
[ I saw the way Mathis went after you. Then kept clinging onto you and being all "No, Lavi, you have to make it to the end with me!" ]
[ she's feeling quite defensive of lavi, which he will get flashes of throughout her ugly thoughts ]
[ also just... resentful in general, resentful of being blamed, of being the bad guy, of being talked down to, of being the one that has to hold it together while everything falls apart. a kind of shared misery with lavi, since he's in that position too ]
at that, some of the tension falls from his shoulders.]
I... can't blame him.
[At least, I don't think I care enough to blame him. It's a cold thought to Mathis and one Lavi regrets, but he's also so tired. He reaches up to rub his face with his free hand. He's tired of considering everyone else's feelings, even if it's a habit.]
It's my fault too. I pretended I was fine after Yuu died, on Friday. I guess I did it a little too well. Like when Caelus said I was right about him framing Yuu. I just looked at him and moved on, even though I wanted to bash his face in.
[as if the veil would let that happen but, the thought was there.]
[ it's reflexive, even if he says he doesn't care. for the treatment yuffie's had to endure, for the treatment lavi's had to endure. she's never been good at keeping her mouth shut when people in front of her are being picked on in any sense -- let alone when it's someone she cares for. ]
[ Mathis can hate me all he wants. But I'm tired of thinking about his feelings. He's not one of us. He's probably the one who killed Kanda and Cloud. the us she means is their little haunted house crew she's grown to feel attached to ]
It isn't your fault. They just--- don't think about it. Most of them don't have to live like we do. [ The us includes Kanda. With war and death and-- everything. You have to be okay. You can't not be. ]
[he grips Yuffie's hand tighter so he can tug her lightly after him, resuming their walk. just another way to work the energy off, the misery and rage and exhaustion. everything he so deeply feels in this moment, but he feels gratitude too, thanks to Yuffie -- for every angry thought, no matter how ugly.
it gives him space to be angry in return, to be the human he is and always despaired of being.]
...It's not.
[Why did Yuu have to die like that? Why did Cloud and Aerith and Tsumi have to die being cornered and afraid? Why did Nona have to die without having a chance to talk? Why does Rondo get to meet Karlach again and get closure, when Yuu won't? Or Cloud? He has to see Camille get revived, and her partner's out there still. I...
Why did they kill her in front of us, when no one besides them knew she was going to die? What was the point? They had to kill her -- but no one gave us the time to make it peaceful and warm. I...]
[ she gets comically yanked again at first, because i need a tidge of humor, then walks along at lavi's pace even though he is so tall and i will point this out every time bc it's offensive ]
I'm sick of this. All of it.
[ buzzing thoughts of agreement, as it continues to be ugly. her anger against mathis specifically fizzles with them talking and burning off these bad vibes together. her thoughts go off in tangents, too, harder and harder to follow--- ]
You said..... he would have wanted us to burn his body, right? I know we can't, but.... maybe we can burn something? For him?
I think there's probably one or two packets still left. Let's see if we can find 'em.
[ this is a new thing for yuffie, but she figures that ultimately these little offerings are more for the living for the dead. and she wants to do something for stinky kanda ]
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It was so peaceful.
Must be nice.
the nice thing about thought share is that lavi can't stop it -- every little ugly thought that runs through his head, even on the eve of so much death. the most he can do is choose not to say it out loud.]
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[ Right. Got to say I love you to her people before they died. Got to hear it back. Got to choose whether she'd be revived or not. ]
[ Lucky Astarion and Gale, too. No one's going to try to stab them or condescend to them. No one's gonna resent them for this. No one's going to treat them like assholes and then come to THEIR house and then accuse THEIR friend of killing HIS person and then spout some crap about how he has to survive until the end with them. ]
[ she squeezes his hand ]
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he sets his jaw and stops walking, tugging Yuffie to a stop.]
Who said that to you?
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Huh?
[ ok, no it clicks ]
Not to me. To you.
[ I saw the way Mathis went after you. Then kept clinging onto you and being all "No, Lavi, you have to make it to the end with me!" ]
[ she's feeling quite defensive of lavi, which he will get flashes of throughout her ugly thoughts ]
[ also just... resentful in general, resentful of being blamed, of being the bad guy, of being talked down to, of being the one that has to hold it together while everything falls apart. a kind of shared misery with lavi, since he's in that position too ]
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at that, some of the tension falls from his shoulders.]
I... can't blame him.
[At least, I don't think I care enough to blame him. It's a cold thought to Mathis and one Lavi regrets, but he's also so tired. He reaches up to rub his face with his free hand. He's tired of considering everyone else's feelings, even if it's a habit.]
It's my fault too. I pretended I was fine after Yuu died, on Friday. I guess I did it a little too well. Like when Caelus said I was right about him framing Yuu. I just looked at him and moved on, even though I wanted to bash his face in.
[as if the veil would let that happen but, the thought was there.]
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[ it's reflexive, even if he says he doesn't care. for the treatment yuffie's had to endure, for the treatment lavi's had to endure. she's never been good at keeping her mouth shut when people in front of her are being picked on in any sense -- let alone when it's someone she cares for. ]
[ Mathis can hate me all he wants. But I'm tired of thinking about his feelings. He's not one of us. He's probably the one who killed Kanda and Cloud. the us she means is their little haunted house crew she's grown to feel attached to ]
It isn't your fault. They just--- don't think about it. Most of them don't have to live like we do. [ The us includes Kanda. With war and death and-- everything. You have to be okay. You can't not be. ]
It isn't freaking fair.
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it gives him space to be angry in return, to be the human he is and always despaired of being.]
...It's not.
[Why did Yuu have to die like that? Why did Cloud and Aerith and Tsumi have to die being cornered and afraid? Why did Nona have to die without having a chance to talk? Why does Rondo get to meet Karlach again and get closure, when Yuu won't? Or Cloud? He has to see Camille get revived, and her partner's out there still. I...
Why did they kill her in front of us, when no one besides them knew she was going to die? What was the point? They had to kill her -- but no one gave us the time to make it peaceful and warm. I...]
It's not something they'll ever realize either.
[They'll never think that it's unfair.]
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I'm sick of this. All of it.
[ buzzing thoughts of agreement, as it continues to be ugly. her anger against mathis specifically fizzles with them talking and burning off these bad vibes together. her thoughts go off in tangents, too, harder and harder to follow--- ]
You said..... he would have wanted us to burn his body, right? I know we can't, but.... maybe we can burn something? For him?
[ That's stupid, Yuffie. ]
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No, it's not.
[he's responding to her thought instead of her suggestion,]
We can. ...I'm not sure what to burn though.
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[ she puts her hand to the back of her head, embarrassed, when he tells her it's not stupid ]
.... Soba?
[ why is this her only suggestion help ]
[ He'd probably hate that, actually... But that's what he gets for dying. ]
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at that... his lips twitch a little, because... SOBA REALLY IS THE ONLY THING KANDA FCKING LIKES. DAMN.]
That works! It's like putting their favorite foods on the altar, so they can take 'em with them.
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[ help it really is ]
I think there's probably one or two packets still left. Let's see if we can find 'em.
[ this is a new thing for yuffie, but she figures that ultimately these little offerings are more for the living for the dead. and she wants to do something for stinky kanda ]
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Alright.
[he looks around at where they are, and then down at her]
You wanna head back? We can stay out a little longer if you want.
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[ and we can wrap this bc we have so many threads hello ]
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