It's different enough. You see things differently from either side. You don't know if you could have changed anything. It's possible you could have, as possible as it is that you wouldn't have.
[ there's no way to say. nothing is set in stone. ]
There's nothing wrong with thinking about what ifs, as long as you don't let it drag you down. The problem isn't that Tuuri didn't kill him. It's that she wasn't the impetus.
[ the reality is the people on the other side didn't look enough, and so the outcome hurt in equal measure, hurt him and the others. ]
[What-if's are a curse. What-if's are the danger. Regretting, fretting, wishing things were different. Lavi hasn't been an Exorcist as long as Kanda or Lenalee, but the mantra of the Order is hammered into him.
Don't dwell. Don't grieve.
And then Bookman's voice, echoing. Don't get attached. But he is, and he's here now, attached and hurting. ...The least he can do is not fall into any of the other traps.]
...I want to know what happened, and why. Why were there three people? What made Tuuri forget?
...Why did they make her forget? If they let her remember, then she would have still claimed responsibility for killing Kon.
[ what ifs are danger. they can drag someone down, but sometimes, they are also all that keeps someone going. wishing things were different is human. wishing things were different is normal.
one of them isn't human, and neither of them are normal, yet four clings to what ifs at her most desperate. ]
Someone getting bold or someone being influenced into being bold. What made you and Uriel forget until nearly the end of your trials?
[ there are some trends, some similarities, but four doesn't care enough to want to know as much as lavi does. ]
[ four doesn't know! these are just the conclusions she can draw from what she observes, and she hasn't thought about it too in depth because she's double dead and not single dead. ]
It could be someone there is as vindictive as Scaramouche. Or uncaring enough. Or it could be this place. Satan did say there had to be entertainment value in Hell.
[It could be, Lavi thinks. There could be people who are exactly like that. Though what gets him most is not that they exist, but it's how he hasn't picked up on them. That someone among the living is just as good at lying as he is, and maybe even more.
Though, he looks at Four, thinking. It's not as if he picked up on Four's rage either, until after.]
That's something you've got over me then. [Because Lavi always needs to remember that he's in a place that's meant to hurt him in the pettiest of ways.
He lifts his hands and blows on them,]
Wanna start heading back? We can talk where it's warm.
[ anyone can lie. everyone can lie. he lies. she lies. but also, she didn't think there were too many insidious types left on the side either. assholes, definitely, but someone who'd use a proxy? probably someone she hadn't talked to much before she took up the knife or someone she did and doesn't think too much of. ]
... All right. Let's go.
[ it's alpha week this thread, so this can happen. she holds out a hand to him. ]
Lavi takes her hand in his, smiling. He would tease her but he knows enough about Four now to know that she could just as easily sling him into a snow drift? And he would actually like to continue holding her gloved hand.]
Is your hand okay? I know mine must be real cold.
[They will hold hands all the way to the resort, though once they're safely indoors, Lavi will use his free hand to dust some of the snow flakes off of Four's head,]
[He blinks at her, a little owlishly, then he closes his eye at the touch, smile still bright and wide. It is very cold and possibly wet, but he's enjoying it, for both the novelty and because it's Four.]
[ it takes longer for it to sink in what she did because it's almost a marvel that he's willing to trust her like this and smile in front of her like this. (what kind of smile is this? how genuine is this smile?)
it's a novelty for her, too, that someone like lavi would enjoy being with her like this even if he's going to get a cold like this (if you can catch a cold when you're dead).
when it does register, she tenses, and she's not sure if it's better for her to stay like this or to take her hand away. ]
[Lavi thinks about how five weeks isn't nearly enough for him to lose four years of self-ingrained instinct. that whenever someone reaches for him, he thinks for a split second that their hands will turn into cold metal. a gun to his head, to his heart. he thinks that it must be that danger, the adrenaline that makes his heart beat a little faster even now. (idiot)
four tenses, and his hand goes up to cover hers, keeping her in place.]
I'll get better.
[what a funny thing to say in this place, where things aren't meant to be better.]
[ he is an idiot, but he's not completely wrong. she is a weapon, a bomb waiting to detonate. they're only lucky her detonator is in a world outside of this hell. he places his hand over hers, and her heartrate picks up. warmth rises to her cheeks. she wants to look away from him, but she can't.
she thinks it's a stupid thing to say to her when she can snap him like a twig, but she also thinks it's sweet of him to say. she can be a threat and a detriment to anyone. he shouldn't want her to stay like this. ]
... You don't have to endure it.
[ he should know what she's like by now. he's smarter than the airs he puts on, more observant, but he's also dumber and more emotional than he's been trained to be.
[which is a strange thing to feel and also say. he sees the color rise in Four's cheeks and his heart twists, that four can be both so incredibly angry and petty and full of hate and misery, and also be surprised at acts of closeness, of kindness.
Lavi carefully releases her hand, though he doesn't move his face away. He'll let Four make that move, if she wants to.]
[ she doesn't want to pinpoint all the emotions that spike when he lets go of her hand. her eyes widen, and they flash most with the surprise she feels (at not wanting him to let go even if she expects it). she can't settle on if she's angrier at him or herself for it.
(she caves too easily to these kinds of gestures, to these kind of words.)
she shuts her eyes, and when she opens her eyes, she lifts her other hand to cup his face. ]
Why would you want to?
[ when it would be so easy for her to snap his neck like this? when she's someone who would think something like that? ]
[She could really kill him. But if there's anything Lavi's learned, anyone can kill him. The people he hates, the people he's fond of, the people he has no idea what to think of but they're out there.
He thinks Four could slot into that second category easy,]
It's cause I know that I'm not supposed to. [want.
he hesitates, his smile unraveling into something softer, no less real.]
I still can't shake off those expectations. [all those years of training, not to mention how their cyoa is gonna wallop him again with the memories, but setill] But whenever I see you, I'm reminded that I can.
[ his words make her tremble, and she thinks there's something unreal about them, but she doesn't dislike it. for once, she neither wants to move away nor make him move away. she wants to stay like this for a little while longer with the cold snow slowly melting off them.
there are words she wants to say to him in return but can't, even if she's been more confident this week. it's taking all her confidence simply to stay like this.
she is too selfish for words to encapsulate, but there is still so much she won't ever let herself do. ]
It's difficult to shake off how you were trained. It's even more difficult to disregard your duty, but there's little duty to be had unless you're revived.
[ smashcut to his cyoa where he's hit over the head with it anyway. ]
[Four says "for now", and Lavi thinks about how funny it is, that even in death, their lives can still be so uncertain. But that uncertainty has led him here, standing in front of her, cheeks simultaneously cold and hot, as he peers into Four's expression and wonders what she's thinking of.]
...Same goes for you, y'know.
[What does Four want? He knows what she wants from him, the steady reassurance of someone who won't simply up and leave, even if it's in his nature. Or maybe a reminder that she can have much worse, do much worse, than have him constantly tag along at her heels.]
It's like you said, we're more than what we were made to be.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
We have it easier compared to that side. And I would have done the same thing if I were in Bixing's shoes.
[...]
Wish he wouldn't beat himself up over it tonight.
no subject
[ four knows some of lbx's trauma, and she knows this won't do him any good. ]
You'd care too much not to, too, if you were in his shoes.
no subject
Think he's got a bigger heart than I do.
[but this would hurt Lavi too. it's hurting him now, and he wasn't even physically present during the trial.]
no subject
[ it's easier for four to be around someone with a smaller heart anyway. there's less to be envious of. ]
Enough of us saw you act out.
no subject
...It blindsided me. Made me wish I was there.
[is it arrogance to think that he'd have helped enough to have figured something out... he thinks about it, then.]
Not like it'd change anything. I thought Tuuri was the killer the same as the rest of them.
no subject
It's different enough. You see things differently from either side. You don't know if you could have changed anything. It's possible you could have, as possible as it is that you wouldn't have.
[ there's no way to say. nothing is set in stone. ]
There's nothing wrong with thinking about what ifs, as long as you don't let it drag you down. The problem isn't that Tuuri didn't kill him. It's that she wasn't the impetus.
[ the reality is the people on the other side didn't look enough, and so the outcome hurt in equal measure, hurt him and the others. ]
no subject
Don't dwell. Don't grieve.
And then Bookman's voice, echoing. Don't get attached. But he is, and he's here now, attached and hurting. ...The least he can do is not fall into any of the other traps.]
...I want to know what happened, and why. Why were there three people? What made Tuuri forget?
...Why did they make her forget? If they let her remember, then she would have still claimed responsibility for killing Kon.
no subject
one of them isn't human, and neither of them are normal, yet four clings to what ifs at her most desperate. ]
Someone getting bold or someone being influenced into being bold. What made you and Uriel forget until nearly the end of your trials?
[ there are some trends, some similarities, but four doesn't care enough to want to know as much as lavi does. ]
It's a similar question, if not the same.
no subject
He can answer that question, he's got the blood on his hands to prove it. Lavi exhales, breath whistling between his teeth.]
...And it all boils down to the same answer. That it's this place.
Satan said the effects were meant to -- remind us we were in hell. He called it hazing.
no subject
It could be someone there is as vindictive as Scaramouche. Or uncaring enough. Or it could be this place. Satan did say there had to be entertainment value in Hell.
[ she makes a face at hazing. ]
I don't think we need to be reminded. I never do.
no subject
Though, he looks at Four, thinking. It's not as if he picked up on Four's rage either, until after.]
That's something you've got over me then. [Because Lavi always needs to remember that he's in a place that's meant to hurt him in the pettiest of ways.
He lifts his hands and blows on them,]
Wanna start heading back? We can talk where it's warm.
no subject
... All right. Let's go.
[ it's alpha week this thread, so this can happen. she holds out a hand to him. ]
no subject
Lavi takes her hand in his, smiling. He would tease her but he knows enough about Four now to know that she could just as easily sling him into a snow drift? And he would actually like to continue holding her gloved hand.]
Is your hand okay? I know mine must be real cold.
[They will hold hands all the way to the resort, though once they're safely indoors, Lavi will use his free hand to dust some of the snow flakes off of Four's head,]
no subject
It's fine. I don't get cold that easily. You must be colder.
[ after a moment, she reaches and brushes some snow off his shoulders. ]
no subject
Thanks, I feel warmer already.
no subject
Good. I'm glad.
[ she reaches up with a gloved hand to cup his cheek, but it's likely still cold with some residual snow from being outside. ]
no subject
...That feels nice too.
no subject
it's a novelty for her, too, that someone like lavi would enjoy being with her like this even if he's going to get a cold like this (if you can catch a cold when you're dead).
when it does register, she tenses, and she's not sure if it's better for her to stay like this or to take her hand away. ]
... You'll fall ill like this.
no subject
four tenses, and his hand goes up to cover hers, keeping her in place.]
I'll get better.
[what a funny thing to say in this place, where things aren't meant to be better.]
Plus, I'm tougher than I look.
no subject
she thinks it's a stupid thing to say to her when she can snap him like a twig, but she also thinks it's sweet of him to say. she can be a threat and a detriment to anyone. he shouldn't want her to stay like this. ]
... You don't have to endure it.
[ he should know what she's like by now. he's smarter than the airs he puts on, more observant, but he's also dumber and more emotional than he's been trained to be.
it'd be nicer if he were tougher, as he says. ]
no subject
[which is a strange thing to feel and also say. he sees the color rise in Four's cheeks and his heart twists, that four can be both so incredibly angry and petty and full of hate and misery, and also be surprised at acts of closeness, of kindness.
Lavi carefully releases her hand, though he doesn't move his face away. He'll let Four make that move, if she wants to.]
no subject
(she caves too easily to these kinds of gestures, to these kind of words.)
she shuts her eyes, and when she opens her eyes, she lifts her other hand to cup his face. ]
Why would you want to?
[ when it would be so easy for her to snap his neck like this? when she's someone who would think something like that? ]
no subject
He thinks Four could slot into that second category easy,]
It's cause I know that I'm not supposed to. [want.
he hesitates, his smile unraveling into something softer, no less real.]
I still can't shake off those expectations. [all those years of training, not to mention how their cyoa is gonna wallop him again with the memories, but setill] But whenever I see you, I'm reminded that I can.
no subject
there are words she wants to say to him in return but can't, even if she's been more confident this week. it's taking all her confidence simply to stay like this.
she is too selfish for words to encapsulate, but there is still so much she won't ever let herself do. ]
It's difficult to shake off how you were trained. It's even more difficult to disregard your duty, but there's little duty to be had unless you're revived.
[ smashcut to his cyoa where he's hit over the head with it anyway. ]
... I think it's fine if you want, for now.
no subject
...Same goes for you, y'know.
[What does Four want? He knows what she wants from him, the steady reassurance of someone who won't simply up and leave, even if it's in his nature. Or maybe a reminder that she can have much worse, do much worse, than have him constantly tag along at her heels.]
It's like you said, we're more than what we were made to be.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)