[at that his expression falls, at the admission and the question. He never expected anyone's death to be gentle or good, but. He thinks again about Date's job, his commitment to finding out the truth.]
...I swear, I didn't want to kill him. Not when I woke up that night and not in the days before. He told me he felt the same. We tried waking you guys up, and then I made us leave the theater.
I was scared that Cosmos would try, and I didn't want it to happen in the dark.
That's why I'm asking. I didn't think either of you would -- but I want to know more about what went wrong, to understand why it got to that point.
[ he smiles. it's not especially happy. ]
Sorry.
[ it's... not nice, to hear that they'd tried waking them up. and nothing had happen. just what if what if what if after what if-- if they'd woken up, would it have been better? Or would it have been worse? ]
...It's my fault. Maybe if I hadn't made us leave, then we would have been fine.
[but lavi had been too suspicious, and he hadn't needed to lose anything to feel that way.]
It was waiting for us when we left the ferry, the octopus. It was already in Cosmos's form, so I didn't realize. Thought it was the same thing as Thursday -- seeing people from home, except it was Cosmos's turn.
[he clenches his hands into fists, then relaxes them.]
...We followed it into the bar, where they had drinks. Stupid of me, I know. The siren's song... It didn't say a word, but we followed it all the way back to its tank.
Snapped out of it when it attacked us. The fight -- that's when I killed Cosmos. Realized my mistake right after.
[ he just sighs. there’s a deep, helpless sort of tired in his bones that he can’t shake off and walk his way through. he knows it, he’s felt it before, but right now he just hates it. ]
[it's slightly muffled, but his voice is loud enough to be heard]
...Thanks. I know it doesn't change anything, but... Feels nice, knowing someone feels the same.
[Not that other people haven't expressed the same sentiment, of course they have. But there have been an equal number of people telling Lavi to face reality, which -- of course he had, he will. He's spent so long repressing his own emotions, erasing his own bias. He can move on easily from the things that happen to him. It's never as important as the things that happen to other people.]
[ i’m bending any rules and having him rap lavi on the head with his knuckles. ]
Both of you..
Of course I’m mad about Mikiri. And of course I wish he hadn’t been killed. But you too. I don’t give a damn, you’re only 19, you shouldn’t be stuck in here dealing with the aftermath of everything like this either.
[ that’s what… bugs him about all this. “oh we have exorcists of all ages” “I have to learn to leave my emotions out of things” and what? watch humanity with an empty dispassion and a wall between you and them? fuck that. lavi’s a kid, some of those exorcists he mentioned are kids. it doesn’t matter if they’re stronger, braver, more talented than anyone else — they’re kids.
that’s what pisses him off. that’s what makes him so frustrated. that two kids had to deal with all of this and face the consequences in this way when neither of them did anything that would ordinarily get them anything more than a “be more careful next time”. don’t go out alone on a thursday night, don’t drink the questionable drinks. not all this ending in murder or execution. ]
Lavi may be an idiot of the highest degree, but he thinks he knows people. And he thinks he knows Date, even after these brief few weeks. He knows enough of the other man not to say his usual lines. Something like 'I can handle this.' or 'Better me than someone else.'
He presses a hand over the spot where Date rapped him instead, smiling ruefully.]
Justice for the crime, right? Motive aside. [...] But I get what you're saying. Never thought I'd end up here like this.
Think the only thing that's gonna make me feel better is knowing the same thing won't happen to you guys.
The last two people killed because they chose to. You wouldn’t do that — not to Mikiri. So… it makes you wonder if someone didn’t meddle with this on purpose.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
...I swear, I didn't want to kill him. Not when I woke up that night and not in the days before. He told me he felt the same. We tried waking you guys up, and then I made us leave the theater.
I was scared that Cosmos would try, and I didn't want it to happen in the dark.
no subject
[ he smiles. it's not especially happy. ]
Sorry.
[ it's... not nice, to hear that they'd tried waking them up. and nothing had happen. just what if what if what if after what if-- if they'd woken up, would it have been better? Or would it have been worse? ]
no subject
[but lavi had been too suspicious, and he hadn't needed to lose anything to feel that way.]
It was waiting for us when we left the ferry, the octopus. It was already in Cosmos's form, so I didn't realize. Thought it was the same thing as Thursday -- seeing people from home, except it was Cosmos's turn.
no subject
[ fucking-- ]
So it really was the fucking octopus that kicked everything off. [ bastard. ]
no subject
...We followed it into the bar, where they had drinks. Stupid of me, I know. The siren's song... It didn't say a word, but we followed it all the way back to its tank.
Snapped out of it when it attacked us. The fight -- that's when I killed Cosmos. Realized my mistake right after.
no subject
Why would they have drinks on a Thursday night in that kind of situation...?
no subject
...I think he saw it as family. He mentioned having siblings before, the other homunculi. Think they were all made to look the same.
no subject
Right, he mentioned the artificial creation thing. It's not like us where seeing something that looks just like us would make us wary.
no subject
[he thinks of cosmos's inherent trust, and breathes again.]
The impulse control drink made things worse. Think it's what made him stay and fight, instead of running.
no subject
So... there was no way to keep them apart, and then no way to tell them apart. [ he's quiet, and then very softly: ]
Dammit, Mikiri...
no subject
[quickly, and maybe a little more heatedly -- before Lavi visibly checks himself, breathing again.]
I've been fighting battles my whole life, my whole expertise is with people masquerading as humans. The fact that I didn't notice in time is on me.
no subject
[ said just as sharply and quickly. ]
Both of you shouldn't have had to deal with that in the first place, I don't give a damn if you've been "fighting battles your whole life".
no subject
then, very quietly.]
...I wish it hadn't been him.
no subject
[ he just sighs. there’s a deep, helpless sort of tired in his bones that he can’t shake off and walk his way through. he knows it, he’s felt it before, but right now he just hates it. ]
I know. Me too.
I wish it hadn’t been either of you.
no subject
...Thanks. I know it doesn't change anything, but... Feels nice, knowing someone feels the same.
[Not that other people haven't expressed the same sentiment, of course they have. But there have been an equal number of people telling Lavi to face reality, which -- of course he had, he will. He's spent so long repressing his own emotions, erasing his own bias. He can move on easily from the things that happen to him. It's never as important as the things that happen to other people.]
no subject
Both of you..
Of course I’m mad about Mikiri. And of course I wish he hadn’t been killed. But you too. I don’t give a damn, you’re only 19, you shouldn’t be stuck in here dealing with the aftermath of everything like this either.
[ that’s what… bugs him about all this. “oh we have exorcists of all ages” “I have to learn to leave my emotions out of things” and what? watch humanity with an empty dispassion and a wall between you and them? fuck that. lavi’s a kid, some of those exorcists he mentioned are kids. it doesn’t matter if they’re stronger, braver, more talented than anyone else — they’re kids.
that’s what pisses him off. that’s what makes him so frustrated. that two kids had to deal with all of this and face the consequences in this way when neither of them did anything that would ordinarily get them anything more than a “be more careful next time”. don’t go out alone on a thursday night, don’t drink the questionable drinks. not all this ending in murder or execution. ]
no subject
Lavi may be an idiot of the highest degree, but he thinks he knows people. And he thinks he knows Date, even after these brief few weeks. He knows enough of the other man not to say his usual lines. Something like 'I can handle this.' or 'Better me than someone else.'
He presses a hand over the spot where Date rapped him instead, smiling ruefully.]
Justice for the crime, right? Motive aside. [...] But I get what you're saying. Never thought I'd end up here like this.
Think the only thing that's gonna make me feel better is knowing the same thing won't happen to you guys.
no subject
[ … ]
The last two people killed because they chose to. You wouldn’t do that — not to Mikiri. So… it makes you wonder if someone didn’t meddle with this on purpose.