[it doesn't actually hurt since he's wearing a boot but it's the principle of the matter? he tries to pet it with sticky pumpkin fingers]
What are you -- Kanda? Is that why you like him so much? Kindred spirits? [then again this behavior is also like allen.... he'll give it a little scritch under the chin and it calms down a little...
The cat calms down... and starts trying to ferociously lick the pumpkin off his fingers!! But it does that cat thing where it holds on with its paws and its little claws pop out to cling better. I rolled a 4 but I want to be nice to Lavi so this is my middle ground.
Kanda, meanwhile, is oblivious to all of this, because for once they are somewhere decently quiet (there are cows outside) DECENTLY QUIET, and there are no strangers nearby... sometimes you just gotta steal a little nap when you're with the one person here that you feel safe around.
Lavi endures these little kitty claws, even if some of them get into the skin of his fingers because these fcks wear FINGERLESS gloves,]
I'm gonna call you Mugen. Mu-mu?
[JUST CHRISTENS THIS VIOLENT KITTY CAT. he attempts to swoop the cat into his hands, turning back to look at Sleeping Kanda, his expression wholly different from when they've been taking shifts. It makes Lavi hesitate (FOR ONCE), and instead of bowling Kanda over AGAIN in this thread, he just keeps attempting to distract this kitty so Kanda get some REST,]
[STOP LAVI WAS CHOPPING PUMPKINS HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway he can nap.... lavi naps all the fcking time even with cats who want to tear up his hands. is KANDA SLEEPING WHILE SITTING UP LIKE A FREAK?????? Lavi will just lean against his back then while tickling this cat]
[HE COULD'VE COME OVER WHEN HE FINISHED BEATS YOU UP
But he's here now I GUESS because yeah he just dozed off sitting up. I think about how he's slept sitting up almost every time we've seen him sleep in the manga... only in the anime does he get to sleep in bed
And honestly it's probably partially because of the nerf--even with the reduction to his seal powers he's not used to feeling this "normal"? It's a complicated thing to experience for someone who's never seen himself as a true human. Maybe under different circumstances, he'd ponder it, but right now it's not something he wants to dwell on too much.
Regardless, it means he lets this happen for a little while, though inevitably a kitty will nyoom too hard past him and he'll stir.]
Are you done? [He sounds perfectly alert, as if he was awake the whole time even though he definitely wasn't]
[the angle for this back nap isn't perfectly right, Lavi's used to leaning on someone much shorter, so it's not the most comfortable nap in the world -- but luckily for Lavi, once he gets into the Sleep Zone, then all naps are Comfortable No Matter What, which means he falls asleep pretty quickly.
he doesn't so much twitch as the cat goes nyooming by and more importantly, doesn't snap awake at the sound of Kanda's voice. he just keeps leaning against Kanda like he's a real life anime body pillow -- moving restlessly enough to flop his head on Kanda's shoulder, brows furrowed and looking a little sweaty?]
No.
[WOAH THERE]
Gramps... [oh] That guy -- he has... Stop --
[nightmares at the order are truly a dime a dozen and Lavi will be so annoyed to have this one, but for now he's caught in the throes of it, pressing his back harder against Kanda's like he's trying to inch away from whatever shade he's seeing in the corner of his mind --]
[Nightmares really are so common. And honestly--after two years together, this probably isn't even the first time he's seen Lavi caught up in one. It's for the best, he knows, to let it pass. Sometimes interfering can make things worse, and every exorcist is a little trigger-happy when tensions are high. There's a good chance that doing anything but sitting quietly could lead to Lavi lashing out on reflex. And besides, who is Kanda to drag someone out of a nightmare? It's not like he'll have any comforting words or gestures. It's not hard to figure out what Lavi's dreaming about, either, and he certainly doesn't have any reassurances there.
But for all that he's a cold person, never one to ask personal questions, never eager to form even more bonds that will, in his experience, only ever be used against him--he never manages to be heartless enough.
So he shifts, turning around to shift Lavi to his shoulder and brace one hand on his back, grabbing his arm firmly with the other.]
[It'd be easier if he didn't remember . If he hadn't been trained to keep every single horror committed in his mind forever and ever, because who else will remember if we do not, who else will remember the exact way Chaoji crumpled first, vacant and unresponsive -- who else will remember the way Lavi desperately engaged, fighting to give Bookman a chance to run. no one else, no one else but Lavi to remember the exact way he failed, the moment terror eclipsed his rage.
he jerks a little at the touch -- and then again at the sound of his name. lavi. lavi. lavi. sometimes that's all it takes when the logs threaten to bleed together. a reassertion of who he is, a reminder to ground himself. leave the rest behind, only keep what's needed. except he needs this nightmare, it's part of his history. he has to keep it, forever. he can't run from it anymore than he can run from the rest of this holy war --
eventually his eye opens. he doesn't lash out this time or fight, his limbs feel too weighed down to manage anything more than the twitch of his fingers. he focuses instead on these new sensations, the hand on his back and one wrapped around his arm -- the sound of Kanda's voice, which jerks him fully awake. yuu wasn't there. how long has it been? what else did I lose?]
-- How long...?
[was he asleep this time? a day? weeks? four months?]
[That jerk is enough for him to tense slightly--bracing to catch Lavi's fist or otherwise block him if he needs to, but Lavi's tension stays inward. (And it's almost worse that way, because he can't do anything about it when it's like this--but no, that's not his problem, is it? Because they aren't friends, they aren't anything, he doesn't care--)
He stays where he is, watching Lavi's face, the way his expression shifts in sleep, and then in waking.]
Fifteen minutes. Maybe twenty.
[They don't have a clock, but he's used to measuring time without one anyway, so it isn't hard to give an estimate--and given what they talked about in the beginning, he has a feeling Lavi will only care that it wasn't very long, rather than about anything precise.]
[it's not precise, but it's enough. it's more than what Lavi would have gotten if he never met Yuu -- he knows this, the instinctive feeling that if he never woke up in this town and met him again, then he'd never have known just how long it's been. the relief is obvious on his face, and he slumps, resting his weight against Kanda. even though he knows he should get a hold of himself now that he's awake.]
...
[he's not worried about what Kanda might have seen -- he's had nightmares in front of him before, worse ones. but the concern that prickles through him isn't for his secrets or privacy for once, but for]
Did I wake you up?
[did his stupid NIGHTMARE wake Kanda from the only piece of restful sleep he's had since coming here]
[Lavi leans against him, and maybe it's affection week that keeps Kanda still as he does--or maybe it's just years of going through this, an intrinsic understanding of that weariness, of the comfort exorcists can only find with each other. The kind of understanding that only people who have dragged each other, half-dead, back from the brink of annihilation could even begin to share.
(Or, maybe it's honesty for honesty--a dropped mask and steady presence, even though warmth is long lost to him. Kanda doesn't feel obligated to match anyone's trust or kindness, but... that doesn't mean it never happens.)
Whatever the reason, he stays put, solid and grounding as Lavi regains his bearings.]
No. I was awake. [And Kanda doesn't lie to make people feel better, so Lavi can rest assured that that's truth.]
[...he can't deny the relief at hearing kanda's answer. something else he shouldn't feel, probably, because it's rooted in something so dangerous -- care, affection, attachment.]
So you barely slept at all.
[one of these days they're gonna pass over from real exhaustion, and that is not that day (yet)]
[They should do it in trial so we can get scapegoated
Kanda sleeps so much less than Lavi does but he can't deny it sounds a little tempting, given that he can't just drink up his lifespan like a red bull here,,, BUT--]
[THEY WILL NOT NO ONE EVEN TRIED TO SCAPEGOAT KANDA WHEN HE WAS LIKE 'DON'T GET IN THE WAY OF MY STABBING']
The pumpkins aren't going anywhere.
[and neither are the potatoes!!!! he straightens so he's not leaning on Kanda anymore, but then he pats his own shoulder and looks at him expectantly....]
But fine... FINE!!! Shoulder is too much (at least while awake) but affection week can win out and convince him to sigh before he turns back around to lean against Lavi.]
[now his fingers feel itchy at the memory… like they wanna Braid, but no he will be a very nice backrest for Kanda.
And if Kanda wakes up later with his head on Lavi’s shoulder instead of against his back then he should understand that Lavi had no idea, he simply adjusted himself for Kanda’s comfort? Like a good gay friend.]
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-- Ow, quit it.
[it doesn't actually hurt since he's wearing a boot but it's the principle of the matter? he tries to pet it with sticky pumpkin fingers]
What are you -- Kanda? Is that why you like him so much? Kindred spirits? [then again this behavior is also like allen.... he'll give it a little scritch under the chin and it calms down a little...
...]
Maybe this might work on him too...
[uh oh]
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The cat calms down... and starts trying to ferociously lick the pumpkin off his fingers!! But it does that cat thing where it holds on with its paws and its little claws pop out to cling better. I rolled a 4 but I want to be nice to Lavi so this is my middle ground.
Kanda, meanwhile, is oblivious to all of this, because for once they are somewhere decently quiet (there are cows outside) DECENTLY QUIET, and there are no strangers nearby... sometimes you just gotta steal a little nap when you're with the one person here that you feel safe around.
...At least until he ruins it because he's LAVI]
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Lavi endures these little kitty claws, even if some of them get into the skin of his fingers because these fcks wear FINGERLESS gloves,]
I'm gonna call you Mugen. Mu-mu?
[JUST CHRISTENS THIS VIOLENT KITTY CAT. he attempts to swoop the cat into his hands, turning back to look at Sleeping Kanda, his expression wholly different from when they've been taking shifts. It makes Lavi hesitate (FOR ONCE), and instead of bowling Kanda over AGAIN in this thread, he just keeps attempting to distract this kitty so Kanda get some REST,]
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anyway he can nap.... lavi naps all the fcking time even with cats who want to tear up his hands. is KANDA SLEEPING WHILE SITTING UP LIKE A FREAK?????? Lavi will just lean against his back then while tickling this cat]
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But he's here now I GUESS because yeah he just dozed off sitting up. I think about how he's slept sitting up almost every time we've seen him sleep in the manga... only in the anime does he get to sleep in bed
And honestly it's probably partially because of the nerf--even with the reduction to his seal powers he's not used to feeling this "normal"? It's a complicated thing to experience for someone who's never seen himself as a true human. Maybe under different circumstances, he'd ponder it, but right now it's not something he wants to dwell on too much.
Regardless, it means he lets this happen for a little while, though inevitably a kitty will nyoom too hard past him and he'll stir.]
Are you done? [He sounds perfectly alert, as if he was awake the whole time even though he definitely wasn't]
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he doesn't so much twitch as the cat goes nyooming by and more importantly, doesn't snap awake at the sound of Kanda's voice. he just keeps leaning against Kanda like he's a real life anime body pillow -- moving restlessly enough to flop his head on Kanda's shoulder, brows furrowed and looking a little sweaty?]
No.
[WOAH THERE]
Gramps... [oh] That guy -- he has... Stop --
[nightmares at the order are truly a dime a dozen and Lavi will be so annoyed to have this one, but for now he's caught in the throes of it, pressing his back harder against Kanda's like he's trying to inch away from whatever shade he's seeing in the corner of his mind --]
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But for all that he's a cold person, never one to ask personal questions, never eager to form even more bonds that will, in his experience, only ever be used against him--he never manages to be heartless enough.
So he shifts, turning around to shift Lavi to his shoulder and brace one hand on his back, grabbing his arm firmly with the other.]
Lavi.
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he jerks a little at the touch -- and then again at the sound of his name. lavi. lavi. lavi. sometimes that's all it takes when the logs threaten to bleed together. a reassertion of who he is, a reminder to ground himself. leave the rest behind, only keep what's needed. except he needs this nightmare, it's part of his history. he has to keep it, forever. he can't run from it anymore than he can run from the rest of this holy war --
eventually his eye opens. he doesn't lash out this time or fight, his limbs feel too weighed down to manage anything more than the twitch of his fingers. he focuses instead on these new sensations, the hand on his back and one wrapped around his arm -- the sound of Kanda's voice, which jerks him fully awake. yuu wasn't there. how long has it been? what else did I lose?]
-- How long...?
[was he asleep this time? a day? weeks? four months?]
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He stays where he is, watching Lavi's face, the way his expression shifts in sleep, and then in waking.]
Fifteen minutes. Maybe twenty.
[They don't have a clock, but he's used to measuring time without one anyway, so it isn't hard to give an estimate--and given what they talked about in the beginning, he has a feeling Lavi will only care that it wasn't very long, rather than about anything precise.]
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...
[he's not worried about what Kanda might have seen -- he's had nightmares in front of him before, worse ones. but the concern that prickles through him isn't for his secrets or privacy for once, but for]
Did I wake you up?
[did his stupid NIGHTMARE wake Kanda from the only piece of restful sleep he's had since coming here]
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(Or, maybe it's honesty for honesty--a dropped mask and steady presence, even though warmth is long lost to him. Kanda doesn't feel obligated to match anyone's trust or kindness, but... that doesn't mean it never happens.)
Whatever the reason, he stays put, solid and grounding as Lavi regains his bearings.]
No. I was awake. [And Kanda doesn't lie to make people feel better, so Lavi can rest assured that that's truth.]
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So you barely slept at all.
[one of these days they're gonna pass over from real exhaustion, and that is not that day (yet)]
...You can rest. I'll keep watch this time.
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Kanda sleeps so much less than Lavi does but he can't deny it sounds a little tempting, given that he can't just drink up his lifespan like a red bull here,,, BUT--]
Didn't you want food... [THAT'S WHY THEY'RE HERE]
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The pumpkins aren't going anywhere.
[and neither are the potatoes!!!! he straightens so he's not leaning on Kanda anymore, but then he pats his own shoulder and looks at him expectantly....]
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Also gives him a withering look... WILL AFFECTION WEEK OR KANDA'S BITCHINESS PREVAIL HERE... I ROLLED A 9]
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Lavi Thinks, and then he turns and points to his own back instead, while turning his head like :D? :D??? is this better????]
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But fine... FINE!!! Shoulder is too much (at least while awake) but affection week can win out and convince him to sigh before he turns back around to lean against Lavi.]
If you braid my hair I'll cut you.
[HE REMEMBERS THE TRAIN YOU PUNK]
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[now his fingers feel itchy at the memory… like they wanna Braid, but no he will be a very nice backrest for Kanda.
And if Kanda wakes up later with his head on Lavi’s shoulder instead of against his back then he should understand that Lavi had no idea, he simply adjusted himself for Kanda’s comfort? Like a good
gayfriend.]