[Once again, it's not anything he didn't expect to hear, but it settles some part of him all the same. It's not an easy thing to ask--but when has anything ever been easy for them? If one of them turns monstrous, they'll have to die: the Overseers confirmed that. Putting that responsibility in Lavi's hands is selfish, maybe, but it's also the only thing even remotely resembling a choice that they have here. Kanda so rarely asks for favors, because there is so little he wants--but if God sees fit to allow him anything, he thinks, then at least let it be this.
Just like on Thursday, he doesn't say I know, and thank you or I hope it's never you, either, I don't want to do this on my own or any of the other sentiments that a more open person would give voice to. It's already kind of a hard thing to face--not the potential for death, they deal with that all the time, but the possibility that they might lose control of themselves, powerless to fight it off until irreparable harm has already been done.]
Good.
[He's quiet for a long while, after that; but eventually, as weariness takes over--for once, he'll let himself lean on Lavi, just a little.]
[Lavi scrambles for something stupid to say, a joke to let fly into the air, but the urge to be meaningless vanishes when he feels the pressure of Kanda's body against him -- reminding him of the last hour. Kanda fighting, Aqua slashing down at him, and then blood. Not the first time Kanda's been heavily injured, but the first time it's taken this long to heal, and the subsequent panic at this realization that Lavi shoved down under the excuse of 'well when are we ever NOT injured' and 'doesn't matter, I have to help him now'.
His heart no longer burns and none of his wounds feel hot or feverish, but the temperature rises anyway, warming him with despair and anger and something else.]
Fifteen more minutes, and then we're heading back.
[he'll let all the others pace around and keep an eye out. camille and aqua will have enough visitors to spare, and there are capable people out there who haven't been slashed or swamped, something Kanda's pointed out himself,]
If he really wanted to, he could probably put up enough of a fight to stay out here and keep up his vigil--but he's used to sleeping off the worst of his injuries as his regeneration does its job, and the fatigue is even stronger now that he's "normal." So he grumbles, but he doesn't actually argue, and when it's time to leave, he doesn't fight the support.
He does, however, send one glance back towards Aqua's barrier--just one, briefly, before he turns wordlessly away so they can head back to the house.]
[the look doesn't go unnoticed, it's enough that Lavi does -- but he doesn't say anything, not yet. He just shifts his grip more firmly around Kanda, as they walk towards the house.
He shouldn't say anything, because grief goes unacknowledged and people will always die and what can they do but pick up the pieces and keep going on? what does missing the ones you've lost get you but more pain and heartache? but lavi has an excuse to run from it, he'd made those choices to let it pass unacknowledged every time. but kanda's choice was taken from him since birth, and then after. the order and akuma and loss all bearing down upon him.]
About Aqua... [...] I'm sorry, Yuu.
[he shouldn't notice it or acknowledge that Kanda is losing something or someone yet again, because it's so very rare for Kanda to meet anyone he can get along with, much less stand. And Aqua...
well. it's not like the earl can get them where they are now -- and not now, weeks in after all this mourning.]
[It can't even really be called hurt, or sadness, not when Kanda works so hard to keep his heart closed off--in part because of situations exactly like this one.
The world is dark and cold and lonely. That's the first lesson Kanda truly learned upon his rebirth, and it's one they're taught over, and over, and over again. Alma, Doug, Daisya, even Suman, and the countless others who barely made it long enough to even get rooms of their own at the Order--losing people is inevitable, and it's always just a matter of time.
This place may not have their monsters, but it certainly has their same rules. This weekend was a good reminder of that.]
It's the same as always.
[All they did was share a few silences together. He doesn't need sympathy for that.]
[It'd be a cold answer if it was anyone else hearing it. but it's Lavi who does, who understands -- even if he can't like it.
but years and years of holding grief into a tight fist-sized ball in your chest can't all unravel in a day, or even three weeks. and maybe it's better that it never does. because they'll go home at the end of this, to the very real dangers grief will bring them.]
I know.
[i understand that and i understand this and i understand you]
[There's no guarantee of that, Kanda thinks, always prepared to confront reality--but for once, he doesn't say it out loud. Lavi knows. And he's not stubbornly optimistic like Lenalee or Allen; he doesn't need to be dragged back to earth like they do.]
...You take first watch.
[It's the closest he'll get to admitting he's tired and in pain, and not necessarily just physically.]
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no subject
Just like on Thursday, he doesn't say I know, and thank you or I hope it's never you, either, I don't want to do this on my own or any of the other sentiments that a more open person would give voice to. It's already kind of a hard thing to face--not the potential for death, they deal with that all the time, but the possibility that they might lose control of themselves, powerless to fight it off until irreparable harm has already been done.]
Good.
[He's quiet for a long while, after that; but eventually, as weariness takes over--for once, he'll let himself lean on Lavi, just a little.]
no subject
His heart no longer burns and none of his wounds feel hot or feverish, but the temperature rises anyway, warming him with despair and anger and something else.]
Fifteen more minutes, and then we're heading back.
[he'll let all the others pace around and keep an eye out. camille and aqua will have enough visitors to spare, and there are capable people out there who haven't been slashed or swamped, something Kanda's pointed out himself,]
no subject
If he really wanted to, he could probably put up enough of a fight to stay out here and keep up his vigil--but he's used to sleeping off the worst of his injuries as his regeneration does its job, and the fatigue is even stronger now that he's "normal." So he grumbles, but he doesn't actually argue, and when it's time to leave, he doesn't fight the support.
He does, however, send one glance back towards Aqua's barrier--just one, briefly, before he turns wordlessly away so they can head back to the house.]
no subject
He shouldn't say anything, because grief goes unacknowledged and people will always die and what can they do but pick up the pieces and keep going on? what does missing the ones you've lost get you but more pain and heartache? but lavi has an excuse to run from it, he'd made those choices to let it pass unacknowledged every time. but kanda's choice was taken from him since birth, and then after. the order and akuma and loss all bearing down upon him.]
About Aqua... [...] I'm sorry, Yuu.
[he shouldn't notice it or acknowledge that Kanda is losing something or someone yet again, because it's so very rare for Kanda to meet anyone he can get along with, much less stand. And Aqua...
well. it's not like the earl can get them where they are now -- and not now, weeks in after all this mourning.]
no subject
The world is dark and cold and lonely. That's the first lesson Kanda truly learned upon his rebirth, and it's one they're taught over, and over, and over again. Alma, Doug, Daisya, even Suman, and the countless others who barely made it long enough to even get rooms of their own at the Order--losing people is inevitable, and it's always just a matter of time.
This place may not have their monsters, but it certainly has their same rules. This weekend was a good reminder of that.]
It's the same as always.
[All they did was share a few silences together. He doesn't need sympathy for that.]
no subject
but years and years of holding grief into a tight fist-sized ball in your chest can't all unravel in a day, or even three weeks. and maybe it's better that it never does. because they'll go home at the end of this, to the very real dangers grief will bring them.]
I know.
[i understand that and i understand this and i understand you]
We'll make it through, same as always.
no subject
...You take first watch.
[It's the closest he'll get to admitting he's tired and in pain, and not necessarily just physically.]
no subject
I'll wake ya when it's your turn.
[he will take the first two watches actually but kanda doesn't know that right now]