[It's a bit like insult to injury, to have this, of all things be the last memory anyone will likely see before the week ends and he's free of this particular brand of terrible invasiveness. It reminds him of the last person who saw this memory, which preemptively sets him on edge even more than having to relive all this again does--but Lavi has far more context than that person did, and his own fair share of disgust for the Order, which makes this time wildly different.
It doesn't make it hurt any less to see it again, though. It's only his wound and his exhaustion that stops him from flinching to hear it said aloud, and he digs his nails into his palm.]
Not anymore. [And never again--he made sure of that.
(Kanda has no grace to extend for this awful town, but if nothing else, at least he got to keep one thing for himself.)]
The answer is definitive enough for Lavi, and maybe that's a small mercy itself, to know that the Order no longer has a claim to Kanda through Alma and to Alma himself. Lavi shifts, the void making it impossible to get comfortable, but he feels so tired, exhausted from recent tragedies and ones that span decades, and yet his heart persists, insisting on feeling for every one.
[To that--Kanda just looks at him, waiting for him to connect the dots.
He'd mentioned it in their first conversation, after all. Allen being hunted--because Kanda woke up the Noah in him. (Because Allen got in the way, because Kanda had known no other way but to shut down if he'd wanted to put Alma to rest, and on, and on, until there's nothing but the real truth: that all of them are just pieces on God's terrible little chessboard.)
Kanda has no desire to change who he is. He has no intention of pretending to be some nice, friendly person who wants to let people in, like there's any spot left in his heart that hasn't already been battered or broken. But... very rarely is he ever trying to be cruel for cruelty's sake. And he is not a man who forgets the kindnesses that have been shown to him, nor does he let them go unreturned. By now, he thinks, Lavi knows him well enough that he doesn't have to answer in words; he doubts it'll even take long for Lavi to figure it out.]
[It doesn't, maybe a part of him already put the answer together and was just waiting to see if Kanda would answer in his own way.
...They've come a long way, Lavi thinks. In just a year. He's always been interested in the trajectory of their relationship -- two people who couldn't seem more different than the other, but very similar in so many ways. Both so incredibly stubborn, who'd never give each other an inch or a mile. He wonders how that conversation must have panned out, but he can pretty much imagine how it did. Because he knows them so well -- Allen, and Kanda too.
He knows the coldness is not a front, but he also knows that it's not all that Kanda is. He knows Kanda fights not to save his world like Lenalee does, or to save humanity and Akuma like Allen does, but to destroy the enemy. He knows Kanda fights to destroy and inevitably saves, because that is who he is -- that he will throw himself into danger for this town of complete strangers, even if he doesn't like a single person -- that he'll hobble back out to the pyre even heavily injured without needing to be asked, and won't resent the rest for needing to be saved. That as angry and violent Kanda can be, he doesn't hold petty grudges and he's not interested in revenge. That as silent and stubborn he is, he'll never go out of his way to deceive or purposefully lie.]
...Wish I could've seen his face.
[he thinks allen's reaction at seeing kanda would have been very funny, even if he can imagine it]
[I think about that dramatic shot of Allen in his fucking CLOWN MAKEUP
Predictably, Kanda's expression turns disgruntled, because he's busy remembering Allen BOOKING IT like a little SHITHEAD. He should've stabbed that clown when he had the chance...]
You'll see his stupid face plenty when we get back.
[And Kanda is never one for blind optimism, he can't pretend like they'll definitely both survive this--but if they do, then he has no doubt they're both going right back home.
Granted--He assumes, of course, that Lavi will want to find Bookman first, if it's even possible to track him down. For all they know, they won't see each other again for months even if they make it out. And Kanda doesn't even necessarily plan on dragging Allen back to the Order, though he can't quite remember what he does plan to do about him, or why. But still: Kanda will do what he can to save the people here, but if he could only pick one person to drag out of this hellscape, it would be Lavi without question. How much of that is practicality, and how much of it is sentiment--that's not something he has the energy to pick apart.]
[HE ALREADY STABBED THAT CLOWN WHEN HE HAD A CHANCE
Lavi makes a soft noise of agreement, because he knows that he doesn't have to add on 'if we survive this' because it's already understood. instead, his thoughts drift a little to that future.
it would be nice to see everyone again. it won't happen soon, he knows, because he has to find Bookman, but maybe he'll stay with Kanda first just to make sure his memory's back to normal, and then leave to find him. Or maybe he should stay with Allen, because that's part of the history they have to record and they shouldn't prioritize each other over it -- but without Bookman, then the whole clan...
he blinks into the still shadowy void, just in time for memory. i can't write this so you'll have to re-read lavi's stupid ark arc]
[The way imgur refreshed on me like 80 times while I was reading this
He'd never asked for the details of what happened on the Ark while he'd been fighting, and then nearly dead. Anything important, he figured, and he'd hear about it eventually--Komui's a disaster, but he takes his duty very seriously, and he wouldn't leave Kanda in the dark. And the rest, the unofficial details, like the torture the rest of them went through, Road and Tyki... he'd listened to anything they'd wanted to say about it, and didn't push for more. Back then, with his heart still set on finding that person, he'd put even less effort into companionship.
Granted, it's not far off of what he'd do today, what he has done for most of these memories, or whenever people stumble back from the fog just in time for murder night. He doesn't know any other way to be, even with the people he tolerates. Even with Lavi. But...
It ends, and he's quiet, at first--but then he makes a soft, irritated sound.]
That woman's annoying.
[Road, he means; he'd been so caught up in his own memories at the time that he'd barely registered her and Allen in his head, but he hasn't forgotten that she was in there. And here, too--Kanda trusts that Lavi's judgment was right, that everything shown to him was Road's doing, even if she was dredging up real memories or real fears. (Getting attached.)]
Lavi understands the importance of a Record, and of writing down the details -- for everyone besides him. It's why he simply wrote that he had fought with Road, explained her abilities in detail but nothing about what he personally went through. And with Bookman... he hadn't been willing to tell him -- hadn't told him any of it all, just that he'd been weak and taken advantage of by the Noah whose abilities he's sure Gramps already knew about. What would have been the point? Bookman knows his failings, he doesn't need to know the extent of it -- of how far it goes.
How Lavi was willing to die at that moment, to give up his position in order to save his friends.]
I managed to get her in the end. She was pretending to be Allen, so I stabbed his body. Not that it actually killed her.
[especially since TYKI didn't die so Lavi is assuming that Road survived too. he doesn't know kanda met road again and stole her ribbon like a pervert,]
[I think again about how Skinn is the only fucking dead Noah ALSO WHY AREN'T WE IN CURFEW TOGETHER I'M SO AFRAID YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD AAAAAAAAAAA
...
There's a lot he could say, a lot of other things to focus on here, but...]
Lena didn't mention seeing you.
[Kanda can't tell exactly when that moment was, that Lavi spotted her crying over those coffins--but he can guess, based on when he and Lavi met. Granted, Kanda had been even more violently standoffish back then, and even Lenalee wouldn't have sought him out in that state, so maybe it's not surprising.
Still--a part of him wonders if their first meeting might've been different, had they known of each other equally. The rest of him knows it probably wouldn't have been; Lavi still calls him "Yuu" even now, after all, and he's always courting danger at Kanda's hands. He has a hard time imagining that changing.]
[ME?????? YOU ARE THE ONE IM AFRAID OF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...]
She probably forgot. Had to move on pretty quickly, since Komui was giving us the tour.
[he merely looked down to watch the proceedings, unattached from all the grief and mourning, unattached and unaffected except for that split second where he'd been seen -- by a perfect stranger, as if she'd sensed he was there.
he hadn't been used to being noticed then. no one ever really noticed him -- not until he made himself be noticed. but someone had. lenalee had, even if she didn't remember after. he'd been sixteen years old -- still impressionable, cold-hearted but easily shaken, and maybe that's where the root of his crush started, just from a glimpse. his thoughts trail off, remembering the events as if they just happened yesterday --]
I ran into you right outside the medical ward she was in. Remember?
[if lenalee had been a glimpse, then meeting kanda had been a typhoon -- a whirl of terrible first impressions on both sides, not that it had daunted Lavi any. he'd only almost gotten killed and then bounced back, adamant on getting along with a fellow "comrade".]
[He gives him a Look at that, like "what do you think dumbass"]
I remember you being just as annoying as you are now.
[That's not strictly true, but--while Lavi's changed with time and age just like all of them have, it never escaped Kanda's notice that the war didn't seem to shock and hurt him the way it did other newbies. He was never as bright-eyed and naive as some of their eager, pious Finders, though Kanda never gave it much thought back then.]
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It doesn't make it hurt any less to see it again, though. It's only his wound and his exhaustion that stops him from flinching to hear it said aloud, and he digs his nails into his palm.]
Not anymore. [And never again--he made sure of that.
(Kanda has no grace to extend for this awful town, but if nothing else, at least he got to keep one thing for himself.)]
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The answer is definitive enough for Lavi, and maybe that's a small mercy itself, to know that the Order no longer has a claim to Kanda through Alma and to Alma himself. Lavi shifts, the void making it impossible to get comfortable, but he feels so tired, exhausted from recent tragedies and ones that span decades, and yet his heart persists, insisting on feeling for every one.
How much more tired would Kanda be? Even worse.]
Why did you come back to the Order?
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He'd mentioned it in their first conversation, after all. Allen being hunted--because Kanda woke up the Noah in him. (Because Allen got in the way, because Kanda had known no other way but to shut down if he'd wanted to put Alma to rest, and on, and on, until there's nothing but the real truth: that all of them are just pieces on God's terrible little chessboard.)
Kanda has no desire to change who he is. He has no intention of pretending to be some nice, friendly person who wants to let people in, like there's any spot left in his heart that hasn't already been battered or broken. But... very rarely is he ever trying to be cruel for cruelty's sake. And he is not a man who forgets the kindnesses that have been shown to him, nor does he let them go unreturned. By now, he thinks, Lavi knows him well enough that he doesn't have to answer in words; he doubts it'll even take long for Lavi to figure it out.]
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...They've come a long way, Lavi thinks. In just a year. He's always been interested in the trajectory of their relationship -- two people who couldn't seem more different than the other, but very similar in so many ways. Both so incredibly stubborn, who'd never give each other an inch or a mile. He wonders how that conversation must have panned out, but he can pretty much imagine how it did. Because he knows them so well -- Allen, and Kanda too.
He knows the coldness is not a front, but he also knows that it's not all that Kanda is. He knows Kanda fights not to save his world like Lenalee does, or to save humanity and Akuma like Allen does, but to destroy the enemy. He knows Kanda fights to destroy and inevitably saves, because that is who he is -- that he will throw himself into danger for this town of complete strangers, even if he doesn't like a single person -- that he'll hobble back out to the pyre even heavily injured without needing to be asked, and won't resent the rest for needing to be saved. That as angry and violent Kanda can be, he doesn't hold petty grudges and he's not interested in revenge. That as silent and stubborn he is, he'll never go out of his way to deceive or purposefully lie.]
...Wish I could've seen his face.
[he thinks allen's reaction at seeing kanda would have been very funny, even if he can imagine it]
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Predictably, Kanda's expression turns disgruntled, because he's busy remembering Allen BOOKING IT like a little SHITHEAD. He should've stabbed that clown when he had the chance...]
You'll see his stupid face plenty when we get back.
[And Kanda is never one for blind optimism, he can't pretend like they'll definitely both survive this--but if they do, then he has no doubt they're both going right back home.
Granted--He assumes, of course, that Lavi will want to find Bookman first, if it's even possible to track him down. For all they know, they won't see each other again for months even if they make it out. And Kanda doesn't even necessarily plan on dragging Allen back to the Order, though he can't quite remember what he does plan to do about him, or why. But still: Kanda will do what he can to save the people here, but if he could only pick one person to drag out of this hellscape, it would be Lavi without question. How much of that is practicality, and how much of it is sentiment--that's not something he has the energy to pick apart.]
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Lavi makes a soft noise of agreement, because he knows that he doesn't have to add on 'if we survive this' because it's already understood. instead, his thoughts drift a little to that future.
it would be nice to see everyone again. it won't happen soon, he knows, because he has to find Bookman, but maybe he'll stay with Kanda first just to make sure his memory's back to normal, and then leave to find him. Or maybe he should stay with Allen, because that's part of the history they have to record and they shouldn't prioritize each other over it -- but without Bookman, then the whole clan...
he blinks into the still shadowy void, just in time for memory. i can't write this so you'll have to re-read lavi's stupid ark arc]
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He'd never asked for the details of what happened on the Ark while he'd been fighting, and then nearly dead. Anything important, he figured, and he'd hear about it eventually--Komui's a disaster, but he takes his duty very seriously, and he wouldn't leave Kanda in the dark. And the rest, the unofficial details, like the torture the rest of them went through, Road and Tyki... he'd listened to anything they'd wanted to say about it, and didn't push for more. Back then, with his heart still set on finding that person, he'd put even less effort into companionship.
Granted, it's not far off of what he'd do today, what he has done for most of these memories, or whenever people stumble back from the fog just in time for murder night. He doesn't know any other way to be, even with the people he tolerates. Even with Lavi. But...
It ends, and he's quiet, at first--but then he makes a soft, irritated sound.]
That woman's annoying.
[Road, he means; he'd been so caught up in his own memories at the time that he'd barely registered her and Allen in his head, but he hasn't forgotten that she was in there. And here, too--Kanda trusts that Lavi's judgment was right, that everything shown to him was Road's doing, even if she was dredging up real memories or real fears. (Getting attached.)]
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Lavi understands the importance of a Record, and of writing down the details -- for everyone besides him. It's why he simply wrote that he had fought with Road, explained her abilities in detail but nothing about what he personally went through. And with Bookman... he hadn't been willing to tell him -- hadn't told him any of it all, just that he'd been weak and taken advantage of by the Noah whose abilities he's sure Gramps already knew about. What would have been the point? Bookman knows his failings, he doesn't need to know the extent of it -- of how far it goes.
How Lavi was willing to die at that moment, to give up his position in order to save his friends.]
I managed to get her in the end. She was pretending to be Allen, so I stabbed his body. Not that it actually killed her.
[especially since TYKI didn't die so Lavi is assuming that Road survived too. he doesn't know kanda met road again and stole her ribbon like a pervert,]
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[I think again about how Skinn is the only fucking dead Noah ALSO WHY AREN'T WE IN CURFEW TOGETHER I'M SO AFRAID YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD AAAAAAAAAAA
...
There's a lot he could say, a lot of other things to focus on here, but...]
Lena didn't mention seeing you.
[Kanda can't tell exactly when that moment was, that Lavi spotted her crying over those coffins--but he can guess, based on when he and Lavi met. Granted, Kanda had been even more violently standoffish back then, and even Lenalee wouldn't have sought him out in that state, so maybe it's not surprising.
Still--a part of him wonders if their first meeting might've been different, had they known of each other equally. The rest of him knows it probably wouldn't have been; Lavi still calls him "Yuu" even now, after all, and he's always courting danger at Kanda's hands. He has a hard time imagining that changing.]
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...]
She probably forgot. Had to move on pretty quickly, since Komui was giving us the tour.
[he merely looked down to watch the proceedings, unattached from all the grief and mourning, unattached and unaffected except for that split second where he'd been seen -- by a perfect stranger, as if she'd sensed he was there.
he hadn't been used to being noticed then. no one ever really noticed him -- not until he made himself be noticed. but someone had. lenalee had, even if she didn't remember after. he'd been sixteen years old -- still impressionable, cold-hearted but easily shaken, and maybe that's where the root of his crush started, just from a glimpse. his thoughts trail off, remembering the events as if they just happened yesterday --]
I ran into you right outside the medical ward she was in. Remember?
[if lenalee had been a glimpse, then meeting kanda had been a typhoon -- a whirl of terrible first impressions on both sides, not that it had daunted Lavi any. he'd only almost gotten killed and then bounced back, adamant on getting along with a fellow "comrade".]
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I remember you being just as annoying as you are now.
[That's not strictly true, but--while Lavi's changed with time and age just like all of them have, it never escaped Kanda's notice that the war didn't seem to shock and hurt him the way it did other newbies. He was never as bright-eyed and naive as some of their eager, pious Finders, though Kanda never gave it much thought back then.]
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You know, you and Lenalee were my first friends around my age! And I feel the closest to you two even now.
[he says it brightly, fondly -- like growing like a fungus on kanda obviously counts as friendship -- which he WILL count, thank you very much.]
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Who's friends with you?!
[smashcut to Lavi cleaning his wounds and fixing his bandages]
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You used to say that and try to stab me. We've really come a long way...
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Stop -- you're injured!?
[STUPID?]
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[WE CAN FREE OURSELVES FROM THIS THREAD IF YOU WANT]
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I know you can! You don't have to prove it to me!!
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