Well, he obviously didn't fall asleep in three seconds, so he opens his eyes and turns his head to stare at him intently.
I don't want to is so childish. He can't say that, even if it's the first inclination he has. It strays too close to I don't want to think about it being you and I don't know what I'd do without you here, the sorts of ridiculous naïveté he hates the most. Just last week, he'd been offended by Daan implying Kanda would've covered for Lavi on purpose. He's the first to talk about how you can't let attachments get in the way of salvation. If he wouldn't do that for Alma, he certainly won't for Lavi.
But... it's also I don't want to leave you suffering any longer than I'd have to, which is harder to shove aside. Up until North America, he'd never been able to understand Allen's compassion towards the souls of Akuma; but now, and especially here, it's all too easy to imagine Lavi's eye clouded with darkness, lost to violence and madness, and the pain that would break across his face in moments of clarity.
He presses his lips together, then looks away again, out towards the rest of the room.]
...I don't trust anyone else with you.
[It's the closest compromise he can get between the curse and his genuine sentiments. There are a few people, he knows, who would strike Lavi down--even some who would do it calmly and steadily, like Vin, which Kanda values more than the sort of kindness someone sweet like Karlach might show. But if he must confront the idea of Lavi losing control of himself (and he must), it's too hard to imagine it happening at anyone's hands but his own.
It's not necessarily a disagreement, because he knows they need someone for the ritual, but. If he listens to Lavi, there's no guarantee he'll be the one to face off against him later.]
[...He didn't think Kanda would say yes, or even respond at all -- maybe kick him one more time and roll over to go to sleep, so he's not prepared when Kanda turns and looks directly at him instead, even though he should be -- for bringing that subject up now after their ridiculous night. Lavi looks back and wonders what Kanda's thinking, for as easy as it is to read him at times, there are still moments where he has to guess.
Was it too much to ask for? He thinks of Lucas in the church, asking if he'd really be fine with putting his life in Kanda's hands. Of forcing him to hold that burden. And his answer -- that he wouldn't be fine at all, but at the end of the day -- if it has to happen...
He keeps watching even as Kanda looks away again and gives him his answer. And this one -- Lavi can understand, all too well.]
...
[too many people like him. he trusts that they'd all get the job done if they have to, but... he thinks of Robin trying to reach for Aqua, and Aqua pushing her head underwater. ...He has no delusions about what he's capable of -- and the monster inside of him, the succubus or whatever -- it won't be kind. He won't be kind. Maybe the others will kill him, but they'll hesitate. They'll think he's trying to reach out to them. They'll cry and mourn for someone who they don't really know, and he hates that as much as he hates imagining Kanda having to watch it all on the sidelines.
If it's not you, then I don't want anyone else.]
Then I better be the first person you find.
[lightly, his expression forcing itself into a smile even though Kanda's not even looking at him, and maybe it's better that he's not -- so he won't get irritated by Lavi's smile,]
[He's not looking, but he can hear that smile anyway, in the lightness of his tone--and that prompts him to scowl and kick Lavi's leg again, as Lavi initially expected. This is exactly why Lavi drives him crazy--every time they slip into sincerity, he backpedals right into "frivolous and friendly."
Several different retorts pile up on his tongue all at once--but he's afraid of what they'd be twisted into if he gave voice to them now, so he stays silent until the urge has passed.
He can't say "shut up and go to sleep" normally either, but he can try and get close enough--]
Lavi turns on his side, trying to free up a little more space for the both of them, but not minding the cramped quarters either way. Kanda's presence is solid and warm, and comforting in this town where people disappear the moment you open your eyes.]
M'glad you're here.
[he can be alone if he has to, but that doesn't mean he wants to be. as hateful as their circumstances are right now, he wants to see them through with Kanda -- straight to the end. he doesn't want the scenarios they both discussed to ever come to pass, he just wants to stay suspended in this moment where they're both alive and themselves.
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[IT'S PROBABLY AFTER TEN BY NOW... shifts over so he can look at the ceiling while sharing this bed not five feet apart this time]
You're taller than Gramps.
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HE'S FIGHTING THIS CURSE WITH SILENCE]
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I've been thinking about it, but...
[...]
If I get possessed and the others are killed during trial, then you should keep me alive so we have someone to vote for.
[is he saying this because kanda is choosing to respond with silence and hopefully will not tell him that he's stupid, yes]
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Well, he obviously didn't fall asleep in three seconds, so he opens his eyes and turns his head to stare at him intently.
I don't want to is so childish. He can't say that, even if it's the first inclination he has. It strays too close to I don't want to think about it being you and I don't know what I'd do without you here, the sorts of ridiculous naïveté he hates the most. Just last week, he'd been offended by Daan implying Kanda would've covered for Lavi on purpose. He's the first to talk about how you can't let attachments get in the way of salvation. If he wouldn't do that for Alma, he certainly won't for Lavi.
But... it's also I don't want to leave you suffering any longer than I'd have to, which is harder to shove aside. Up until North America, he'd never been able to understand Allen's compassion towards the souls of Akuma; but now, and especially here, it's all too easy to imagine Lavi's eye clouded with darkness, lost to violence and madness, and the pain that would break across his face in moments of clarity.
He presses his lips together, then looks away again, out towards the rest of the room.]
...I don't trust anyone else with you.
[It's the closest compromise he can get between the curse and his genuine sentiments. There are a few people, he knows, who would strike Lavi down--even some who would do it calmly and steadily, like Vin, which Kanda values more than the sort of kindness someone sweet like Karlach might show. But if he must confront the idea of Lavi losing control of himself (and he must), it's too hard to imagine it happening at anyone's hands but his own.
It's not necessarily a disagreement, because he knows they need someone for the ritual, but. If he listens to Lavi, there's no guarantee he'll be the one to face off against him later.]
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Was it too much to ask for? He thinks of Lucas in the church, asking if he'd really be fine with putting his life in Kanda's hands. Of forcing him to hold that burden. And his answer -- that he wouldn't be fine at all, but at the end of the day -- if it has to happen...
He keeps watching even as Kanda looks away again and gives him his answer. And this one -- Lavi can understand, all too well.]
...
[too many people like him. he trusts that they'd all get the job done if they have to, but... he thinks of Robin trying to reach for Aqua, and Aqua pushing her head underwater. ...He has no delusions about what he's capable of -- and the monster inside of him, the succubus or whatever -- it won't be kind. He won't be kind. Maybe the others will kill him, but they'll hesitate. They'll think he's trying to reach out to them. They'll cry and mourn for someone who they don't really know, and he hates that as much as he hates imagining Kanda having to watch it all on the sidelines.
If it's not you, then I don't want anyone else.]
Then I better be the first person you find.
[lightly, his expression forcing itself into a smile even though Kanda's not even looking at him, and maybe it's better that he's not -- so he won't get irritated by Lavi's smile,]
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Several different retorts pile up on his tongue all at once--but he's afraid of what they'd be twisted into if he gave voice to them now, so he stays silent until the urge has passed.
He can't say "shut up and go to sleep" normally either, but he can try and get close enough--]
Close your eyes.
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Lavi turns on his side, trying to free up a little more space for the both of them, but not minding the cramped quarters either way. Kanda's presence is solid and warm, and comforting in this town where people disappear the moment you open your eyes.]
M'glad you're here.
[he can be alone if he has to, but that doesn't mean he wants to be. as hateful as their circumstances are right now, he wants to see them through with Kanda -- straight to the end. he doesn't want the scenarios they both discussed to ever come to pass, he just wants to stay suspended in this moment where they're both alive and themselves.
he obediently closes his eye.]
...Night, Yuu.