[turns so that they're both lying on the ground this time, but Kanda's closer to the pyre. and then he pulls off his scarf to drape over Kanda's head. there, the ic reason why Kanda STOLE IT from Lavi]
[For a second I thought Lavi was holding him in his arms with the scarf over both their heads to hide them but I've realized Lavi just scarf'd him like when you put a blanket over a birdcage. Less romantic than initially envisioned
HOW TIGHTLY IS HE BEING HELD AT LEAST GET IT OFF HIS FACE SO HE CAN TALK AND BREATHE but yes he'll borrow this for a while thank you]
Tch. You kept thinking you could fight off strangers even though you didn't have any weapons. [Granted he knows Bookman and Lavi can fight hand-to-hand very well BUT STILL. U DUMB BABY CARROT
[STOP he's not holding him too tightly because he knows it'll trigger Kanda's rage response, and he moves to shift the blanket so that it's not on Kanda's face, but on the side of his head instead.... a little scarf tent,]
It's easy to fight an adult when they put you on their shoulders.
[all their soft fleshy bits are so close to shove a thumb in....]
Except you tucked me under your arm like I was a suitcase! I should have been scared, but for some reason I didn't mind it... I felt like I could trust you.
Meanwhile Kanda is contemplating murdering him for this but he's shivering too much to be able to whack him with Mugen effectively]
I should've dropped you.
[HE'S JUST BEING GROUCHY NOW
I wish he realized how insane and concerning it is for a baby to think these things but he obviously fucking doesn't. The only thing really lingering in his mind is Lavi's perception of Bookman, honestly--and maybe he'll bring it up again in a bit, but for now he's just suffering the indignity of being cocooned]
[A well-adjusted normal person would say something like, I wouldn't have let you get hurt, but. It's Kanda.
If he wasn't (checks notes) unbearably cold, he would've stopped tolerating this ages ago. But he's also sick of being uncomfortable even if it's temporary, so--he grumbles, and is stiff about it, but he doesn't shove him off just yet. He just reaches up to take his hairtie out, hoping that it'll help with the warmth.
...After a while:]
You thought he was going to abandon you.
[It's so rare for Kanda to make personal inquiries. With Lavi, he rarely even has to--Lavi volunteers so much on his own, the same way Lenalee does. But he has a feeling this isn't something Lavi would bring up on his own.
(And it's not his business--but he keeps thinking of the look on Lavi's face, the quiet certainty in his tone when he'd said I broke the rules.)]
[Lavi follows the movement of Kanda's hand, half-expecting Kanda to push him back for distance, surprised when instead he pulls the cord in his hair loose. his eyes track the way his hair fans out around him, how it doesn't fall as smoothly as it always does -- soap and would it feel rough now -- and yet, still look as elegant as ever.
he feels even warmer now, like that small gesture meant for Kanda has somehow affected Lavi -- even though he's too far away to even feel it. it distracts him so much that it takes a beat before he realizes what Kanda even said -- but he catches it in time, burying his hopefully not red face in the collar of his coat,]
...I thought he'd pick another apprentice. Someone better.
[But I can't escape it that easily.]
If you keep telling a kid that a job's more important than any one person, then they'll start to think that includes them too.
[If not for thoughtshare, he'd be oblivious to this little crisis--as it is, there's just a flash of annoyance on his face because DON'T TOUCH HIS HAIR HE'S PERMITTING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. He gazes up at the sky instead--dark now, or at least dreary enough that it doesn't remind him of terrible things. It means he can focus on what Lavi's saying, even though he's silent about it.
I didn't know he hated it that much.
Not that it matters, in the end. They aren't the sorts of people who get choices.
(...Then again--Kanda is, now. Isn't he? He's back at the Order, but... he chose that. He's free in his own way.
[LISTEN HE WON'T BUT THINKING ABOUT OT IS FREE REAL ESTATE..... or not when it's thought share week? but instead of thinking Forbidden thoughts, Lavi looks at Kanda and marvels at how much conversation he can have with this effect in place, so maybe it's a good thing after all.]
There's a lot about it that I like. I like discovering new places and meeting new people, and knowing things no one else in the world knows.
[I bet that sounds childish... Well, I was a kid back then.
he turns his gaze up to look at the dreary sky too, remembering all the skies he's seen -- the beautiful ones, and the bloody ones.]
...But so many of those things are ugly. Like all the wars.
[Truly thoughtshare is the reveal that Kanda does actually listen to and care about the things people say to him. Damn. HIS SECRETS... REVEALED.
But even his thoughts are quiet for a little while, turning that over in his head. It does sound kind of childish to Kanda, but childish in a way that reminds him of books laid out next to cold pools and cheerful conversations overheard through thick safety doors.
Eventually, he admits--]
...I'm not sure if it's worse to see them all, or to be stuck in one.
[Lavi's seen so many atrocities, but how does that compare to the people who've been caught up in them? The ones who don't have Bookman to spirit them away if it gets too dangerous? Not every war has Exorcists to step in and mitigate the threat. Sometimes people are just people, and innocents get caught in the middle. Humans killed by human hands, out of greed or prejudice or a thousand other stupid things.
...In Lavi's case, though, he thinks the latter's worse. Sounds like you, he'd said, because he can't fathom a Lavi who wouldn't step in between Lenalee and Lvellie, who wouldn't drag a panicked Finder out of the path of an Akuma attack. He's so much more open with his caring than Kanda's ever been. And sure, maybe it was supposed to be part of the facade--but Kanda, personally, doesn't think it ever really was.]
[at that, Lavi turns his head again so he can look at Kanda, because it's rare to get to hear Kanda's thoughts sure, but even rarer to hear him admit something -- anything.
it's rare, but at the same time, makes sense. for kanda, whose life has been shaped entirely by one war -- spanning thousands and thousands of years -- a war that will remain long after Kanda and everyone he knows passes. a war that's dug its roots so deeply into Kanda that the holy fight is indistinguishable from flesh and bone.]
If you asked the 'me' before I met you, then I'd say it's worse having to watch.
[the jaded, numb 'him'. the one before 'Lavi'. the one constantly hammering home the lesson that humanity is ugly and stupid and its own worst enemy.]
But I didn't really understand until I joined the Order.
[So I can't regret it. Even though it's harder than anything I've done. He keeps looking up at the sky, and maybe it's because it's been a long day -- maybe it's because Kanda is still here with him, and maybe it's having to adjust from how simple everything seemed as a child to how difficult it all is now that makes him keep going -- ]
I've seen so much in this one that sometimes, I think there's no going back.
[Kanda is good at so little when it comes to dealing with other people. He isn't gentle or comforting. But he is good at listening. And he listens now, as Lavi talks about the person he used to be, the one Kanda saw as he cycled through identity after identity, as he shares more about his past than he'd ever shared before even without any real details.
(Granted, Kanda hadn't ever asked. But here and now, witnesses to each other's deepest memories, still in danger but removed from the war and everything they know... it's different, just a little. Just enough.)]
...How long are you supposed to stay? [Until someone (Allen, presumably) dies? Until the war ends (hah)? Does Lavi even know?]
[his heart flip-flops at the question, accompanied by that familiar surge of nerves and fear and guilt for not knowing how to answer it, and for being afraid of what that answer is.]
If Gramps knows, then he hasn't told me.
[Like all the rest he hasn't mentioned.]
But he's still interested in Allen, so we might leave in order to track him down. Or maybe one of us will go, and the other will stay at the Order.
Especially because Kanda... doesn't know what to say to that. What can he say? He has no control over what Bookmen do. And it's not like he isn't g̵o̸i̵n̶g̵ ̶b̸a̴c̸k̵ ̸t̵o̵ ̴t̴h̶e̸ ̷O̷r̷d̶e̸r̴ too, once they're out of there.
...It's just weird, is all. Thinking about how long they've spent together here, completely cut off from everyone else they know. Thinking about how it'll feel to go back to the way things were. It wasn't unusual to go months without seeing each other before. But so much has changed, now. He can't help wondering what that will mean, if or when they get back to their own war.
It's impossible not to notice that tinge of resentment in those thoughts, as well--but he doesn't comment, and his own thoughts don't drift through the connection. What Kanda thinks about Lavi and Bookman's relationship is something Lavi will have to ask, apparently, if he wants to know.]
...You can figure it out once you find him.
[Because if nothing else, Kanda thinks Lavi will try. He's just as bound by his heart as Kanda is, even if his ties are different.]
Lavi smiles -- he can't help it -- at Kanda's answer. Because it makes sense and it's so logical and very much like Kanda -- to put all his millions of thoughts away until it's important to take them out again,]
also KANDA.... Lavi, fortunately, remembers this bit of brainwashing that's still clinging onto Kanda's mind, and he wonders for a moment if it's worth forcing Kanda to fight through it, when he's this ice cold and can still barely breathe,]
You don't have to go right away! Might as well stick around so we can get Gramps and go back together.
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-- Ack!!
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Except Kanda's not :flushed: he just falls on Lavi like an idiot since he didn't think this through]
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except that's only after Lavi lets out another OOF when Kanda lands on him......]
You're super cold!
[HUGS HIM, UWAH]
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Stupid Rabbit--!!!
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I'm warming you up! It's the least I can do for ya, after you took care of me all day.
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[YOU COCOON KANDA?? YOU TRAP HIM LIKE FUSSY CAT??? OH!! OH!!! JAIL FOR LAVI!!! JAIL FOR LAVI FOR 1000 YEARS!!!!]
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[STOP SHOUTING YOU'LL FCK UP YOUR TB LUNGS]
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[turns so that they're both lying on the ground this time, but Kanda's closer to the pyre. and then he pulls off his scarf to drape over Kanda's head. there, the ic reason why Kanda STOLE IT from Lavi]
I really dragged you around the whole day.
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HOW TIGHTLY IS HE BEING HELD AT LEAST GET IT OFF HIS FACE SO HE CAN TALK AND BREATHE but yes he'll borrow this for a while thank you]
Tch. You kept thinking you could fight off strangers even though you didn't have any weapons. [Granted he knows Bookman and Lavi can fight hand-to-hand very well BUT STILL. U DUMB BABY CARROT
He was less annoying than Ball Head Brat.]
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It's easy to fight an adult when they put you on their shoulders.
[all their soft fleshy bits are so close to shove a thumb in....]
Except you tucked me under your arm like I was a suitcase! I should have been scared, but for some reason I didn't mind it... I felt like I could trust you.
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Meanwhile Kanda is contemplating murdering him for this but he's shivering too much to be able to whack him with Mugen effectively]
I should've dropped you.
[HE'S JUST BEING GROUCHY NOW
I wish he realized how insane and concerning it is for a baby to think these things but he obviously fucking doesn't. The only thing really lingering in his mind is Lavi's perception of Bookman, honestly--and maybe he'll bring it up again in a bit, but for now he's just suffering the indignity of being cocooned]
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But you didn't.
[Thanks.]
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[A well-adjusted normal person would say something like, I wouldn't have let you get hurt, but. It's Kanda.
If he wasn't (checks notes) unbearably cold, he would've stopped tolerating this ages ago. But he's also sick of being uncomfortable even if it's temporary, so--he grumbles, and is stiff about it, but he doesn't shove him off just yet. He just reaches up to take his hairtie out, hoping that it'll help with the warmth.
...After a while:]
You thought he was going to abandon you.
[It's so rare for Kanda to make personal inquiries. With Lavi, he rarely even has to--Lavi volunteers so much on his own, the same way Lenalee does. But he has a feeling this isn't something Lavi would bring up on his own.
(And it's not his business--but he keeps thinking of the look on Lavi's face, the quiet certainty in his tone when he'd said I broke the rules.)]
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he feels even warmer now, like that small gesture meant for Kanda has somehow affected Lavi -- even though he's too far away to even feel it. it distracts him so much that it takes a beat before he realizes what Kanda even said -- but he catches it in time, burying his hopefully not red face in the collar of his coat,]
...I thought he'd pick another apprentice. Someone better.
[But I can't escape it that easily.]
If you keep telling a kid that a job's more important than any one person, then they'll start to think that includes them too.
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I didn't know he hated it that much.
Not that it matters, in the end. They aren't the sorts of people who get choices.
(...Then again--Kanda is, now. Isn't he? He's back at the Order, but... he chose that. He's free in his own way.
But what about Lavi?)]
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There's a lot about it that I like. I like discovering new places and meeting new people, and knowing things no one else in the world knows.
[I bet that sounds childish... Well, I was a kid back then.
he turns his gaze up to look at the dreary sky too, remembering all the skies he's seen -- the beautiful ones, and the bloody ones.]
...But so many of those things are ugly. Like all the wars.
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But even his thoughts are quiet for a little while, turning that over in his head. It does sound kind of childish to Kanda, but childish in a way that reminds him of books laid out next to cold pools and cheerful conversations overheard through thick safety doors.
Eventually, he admits--]
...I'm not sure if it's worse to see them all, or to be stuck in one.
[Lavi's seen so many atrocities, but how does that compare to the people who've been caught up in them? The ones who don't have Bookman to spirit them away if it gets too dangerous? Not every war has Exorcists to step in and mitigate the threat. Sometimes people are just people, and innocents get caught in the middle. Humans killed by human hands, out of greed or prejudice or a thousand other stupid things.
...In Lavi's case, though, he thinks the latter's worse. Sounds like you, he'd said, because he can't fathom a Lavi who wouldn't step in between Lenalee and Lvellie, who wouldn't drag a panicked Finder out of the path of an Akuma attack. He's so much more open with his caring than Kanda's ever been. And sure, maybe it was supposed to be part of the facade--but Kanda, personally, doesn't think it ever really was.]
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it's rare, but at the same time, makes sense. for kanda, whose life has been shaped entirely by one war -- spanning thousands and thousands of years -- a war that will remain long after Kanda and everyone he knows passes. a war that's dug its roots so deeply into Kanda that the holy fight is indistinguishable from flesh and bone.]
If you asked the 'me' before I met you, then I'd say it's worse having to watch.
[the jaded, numb 'him'. the one before 'Lavi'. the one constantly hammering home the lesson that humanity is ugly and stupid and its own worst enemy.]
But I didn't really understand until I joined the Order.
[So I can't regret it. Even though it's harder than anything I've done. He keeps looking up at the sky, and maybe it's because it's been a long day -- maybe it's because Kanda is still here with him, and maybe it's having to adjust from how simple everything seemed as a child to how difficult it all is now that makes him keep going -- ]
I've seen so much in this one that sometimes, I think there's no going back.
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(Granted, Kanda hadn't ever asked. But here and now, witnesses to each other's deepest memories, still in danger but removed from the war and everything they know... it's different, just a little. Just enough.)]
...How long are you supposed to stay? [Until someone (Allen, presumably) dies? Until the war ends (hah)? Does Lavi even know?]
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If Gramps knows, then he hasn't told me.
[Like all the rest he hasn't mentioned.]
But he's still interested in Allen, so we might leave in order to track him down. Or maybe one of us will go, and the other will stay at the Order.
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Especially because Kanda... doesn't know what to say to that. What can he say? He has no control over what Bookmen do. And it's not like he isn't g̵o̸i̵n̶g̵ ̶b̸a̴c̸k̵ ̸t̵o̵ ̴t̴h̶e̸ ̷O̷r̷d̶e̸r̴ too, once they're out of there.
...It's just weird, is all. Thinking about how long they've spent together here, completely cut off from everyone else they know. Thinking about how it'll feel to go back to the way things were. It wasn't unusual to go months without seeing each other before. But so much has changed, now. He can't help wondering what that will mean, if or when they get back to their own war.
It's impossible not to notice that tinge of resentment in those thoughts, as well--but he doesn't comment, and his own thoughts don't drift through the connection. What Kanda thinks about Lavi and Bookman's relationship is something Lavi will have to ask, apparently, if he wants to know.]
...You can figure it out once you find him.
[Because if nothing else, Kanda thinks Lavi will try. He's just as bound by his heart as Kanda is, even if his ties are different.]
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Lavi smiles -- he can't help it -- at Kanda's answer. Because it makes sense and it's so logical and very much like Kanda -- to put all his millions of thoughts away until it's important to take them out again,]
Will you come with me?
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But he does TCH and look away]
Do your own work. [BE NICE] I have to go back to the Order, remember? [No Kanda it is you who doesn't remember]
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also KANDA.... Lavi, fortunately, remembers this bit of brainwashing that's still clinging onto Kanda's mind, and he wonders for a moment if it's worth forcing Kanda to fight through it, when he's this ice cold and can still barely breathe,]
You don't have to go right away! Might as well stick around so we can get Gramps and go back together.
[that's not gonna happen but okay lavi]
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