[Normally he'd shove Lavi out of his space, but right now, his grip is solid, grounding. He bites his lip hard, enough to draw a little blood, even though his pain tolerance is too high for that to snap him out of it.
It wasn't real. It's just like what Road did to Lavi--Kanda saw that. And he saw Lavi come back weeks ago, too, talking about how he'd seen Kanda. Lavi is right. He has to be. Lenalee's tears, her cloudy eyes, her desperate attempts to stop herself from hurting people--none of it truly happened. Her mind is still her own, and she's safe at home. It wasn't real.]
...Alma's there too?
[That's the other name Lavi said, but--sorting through his memories brings up nothing, not even the strangely tenuous grasp he has on Lavi, and now Lenalee. But he does remember the Order. If he's recognized everyone in Scawwy except Lavi, then it stands to reason Alma is another exorcist, or something like it. So--surely, he's safe, too?]
[at the question, Lavi's grip goes slack -- his eye widening, and then he turns his head a little to master his expression. but a little stormy cloud of rain and thunder pops up over his head anyway,]
...He was there once, but not anymore.
[then he turns back to look at Kanda, trusting that he'll remember -- because he can't not, after remembering him and Lenalee.]
You've known him the longest -- more than Lenalee and Marie and General Tiedoll. He was your... friend.
[You're the only person who remembers. ...So don't forget.]
[He frowns, because--that doesn't sound right? He's not--he doesn't make friends. Already, he can feel those other three names flickering in his mind, unstable, but he still remembers them for now. And yes, they're all close to him, but... are they friends? That feels like the wrong word, though Kanda doesn't have the right one.
He fixes his gaze on the floor, looking at nothing, and his brow furrows slightly. Lotus...? Why now?
Well. Whatever. More importantly: "Not anymore," Lavi says, but that only means one thing in the Order.]
[Lavi follows Kanda's gaze to the floor, seeing nothing -- no explanation for why Kanda thinks of a flower, and why he's confused about it -- he tugs his gaze away and back to Kanda,]
I don't know.
[He hadn't seen that part in the few memories he got to see from Kanda, but]
...The Order created him from the body of a past Exorcist, and then they experimented on him for decades. They put Akuma cells in him -- and put his cells in CROW members. That's how the Thirds were made.
[He's sure Kanda remembers them, and all the rest of this -- the artificial creation, because that's Kanda's story too -- the one thing he shares with one other person in the world,]
They called him Alma Karma. But Alma was his name.
It sounds--similar to his own story, but not quite. It stirs something in chest, but Kanda can't tell if it's remembrance, or sympathy, or something else. He tries to picture the face of the man he fought just hours ago, to pair it to the things Lavi's telling him, but the pieces slip past each other instead of clicking into place.
With a touch of bitterness:]
Sounds like something they'd do.
[God he hates the Order. He wishes he hated it enough to abandon it.]
[Lavi looks back at him, trying not to look stricken -- trying not to look like anything, especially with eyes that seem like they know more than what Kanda knows -- because how annoying would it be to be looked at like that?
He dips his head instead, breathing in. what he can be right now -- is a bystander, a historian. If you can't remember, then I'll remember it for you. his tone grows a little steadier, softer]
You knew him from your past life. He was someone else then, but -- he still cared about you the same way. He was the person you were searching for.
[Lavi's close enough that it's impossible to miss these reactions--the forced steadiness of his voice, the tightening and loosening of his grip. Kanda's not so stupid that he doesn't realize Lavi's withholding things, but he's being honest enough that it's not making his frustration worse. For now, anyway, as he tries again, and again, to forcefully dig up lost memories.]
The... person...? What are you--
[talking about he wants to ask, but he tenses, suddenly. Abruptly, he grabs at his own chest, his breathing going shallow as he looks down at himself.
[okay well that makes lavi stop completely in his tracks?]
-- Yuu!
[the name spills from him, full of panic, his gaze darting down to Kanda's chest and his unsteady breathing --
his hands fall away from Kanda's shoulders, letting him go -- only to curl back around his back and pull him close -- half an embrace and half an attempt to hold him up, to give him something he can hold onto.]
[That's exactly what he does, too caught up in his panic to shove him away like he might have otherwise. He keeps one hand on his own chest, but the other reaches out, blindly grasping Lavi's shirt and clutching it like a lifeline.
Fortunately, it's clear when it passes; his breathing shifts to a harsh, angry exhale, and his shoulders drop.]
I hate that fucking--
[
He doesn't even know what this is from at this point actually??? He can guess if he stops to think about it, but so much has happened so quickly. There's no guarantee of what's caused by the swamp and what's a result of his trip, so he just cuts himself off with a curse and lets go of Lavi to rub a hand over his face. At this point he can't even react to the scarring he feels, too distracted by the hot mess that is his brain, apparently.]
[it is clear when it passes, but the fear thrums through Lavi all the same. This is more than injuries and a loss of balance, this is sabotage -- an active threat to Kanda's chances of surviving the night.
Don't think about it. But I have to.
he loosens his grip, but he keeps one hand on Kanda's back, even as he steps back to give Kanda some space, trying very hard not to think his panic and fear out loud -- but what else can he do or say? what other solution is there besides hope for the best?
but he does so badly with hope. he was willing to sacrifice it.]
[Ordinarily he'd prefer the space he's being given, but he can't help the brief flutter of panic in his chest as Lavi moves away. It's just--Lavi is an easy thing to count on, something even more reliable than the bed he's sitting on or the ground beneath his feet. Lavi's been with him on so many missions, in so many different places, sitting beside him or fighting at his back. Even with the effect fading and Kanda's awareness of his own body returning, it's jarring to lose the stability of Lavi's closeness.
(And that's a whole other problem, but he can't even begin to think about it right now.)
But Kanda would never ask him to stay close, even if he was completely sure he wanted it. He blows out a frustrated sigh.]
Yeah.
[And he will, actually!! He'll try to grab a short nap before curfew, exhausted from the ordeal and the effects of the swamp. He wants to do it now, while he still has control over something, even if it's just the ability to take off his exorcist coat while Lavi's around and conscious, secure in the knowledge that he'll be woken up if anything happens before the inevitable deaths occur. It won't even be a comfortable sleep, not with the pain in his back returning full force, but he's slept through worse, so. Whatever.
But at some point, he'll snap awake, sitting bolt upright in his bed with his eyes wide and panicked.]
[Lavi stays in the room as Kanda sleeps, watchful and vigilant. This part at least isn't any different from their previous curfews, taking turns resting before they inevitably get knocked out. He's sitting on his bed at an angle where he can watch the door, but every so often he turns to look at Kanda, the thread of worry pulling him towards the other man. He has to remember to look away and at their surroundings like he's supposed to, to turn his focus and attention on the rest of the house outside their room.
He's already up on his feet the moment Kanda's eyes snap open, crossing the scant distance between them as Kanda gasps out a familiar name -- ]
Yuu.
[a beat, before he closes the rest of the distance, sitting on the edge of Kanda's bed, body turned towards him and the back to the door -- to the rest of the world.]
[This time, he doesn't reach out for Lavi--he doesn't grab anything but the blanket beneath him, his hands fisted tight. It's like he doesn't see Lavi at all, caught up in his memories, the ones from long before they set foo in this town all the way to the feeling of Alma's tail wrapped around his neck, Alma's Innocence spearing through his back as crowds of demons watched and cheered on the carnage. He doesn't even notice the tears that slip out and down his face, too lost in his own head to wipe them away.
Could've saved him-- didn't save him-- why did I choose-- is that why I forgot-- Alma-- Alma--]
this is familiar. it's not the first time Lavi's seen someone he cares for spiral like this, locked in their memories and consumed by their regrets. but back then, Lavi had only lashed out from fear and helplessness, knowing that he couldn't do anything for Lenalee's suffering, and turned that panic into red-hot anger. last time, Bookman had grabbed him by the collar and told him to cut it out == that all that rage and anger wasn't supposed to be him.
And now? He sees the tears fall down Kanda's face, and while Lenalee's had snapped him out of it -- wrong-footed in his shock -- Kanda's dig deep -- like a shard of glass pushed in deep, or the blade of the knife forcibly stabbed into a heart that should be nonexistent.
But the pain, at least, lends him some strength -- just enough to raise a hand to Kanda's face, pressing a thumb against a tear.]
I'm sorry.
[he has no idea if kanda can hear him, but he says it anyway]
[It's a very strange sensation--to see someone reach out, and to feel nothing at all when they touch you. It's almost, almost bizarre enough to shock him out of the haze of blood and heartbreak he's caught up in, though it doesn't immediately draw him back to the present. It does help him recognize that Lavi is here with him, though--something to latch onto, an anomaly amongst the memories he's reliving. Lavi, awake and whole, unlike how he'd been in the demons' hands. Present, and not a child, too jarring to slot into his childhood horrors.
He's not fully here, but Lavi is safe enough, familiar enough, that Kanda lets him reach out. For now, at least, though it won't stay that way all night.
Eventually, he pulls back, swiping the heel of his palm over his face. He lowers his hand, but he keeps his eyes closed for a minute. A bit hoarsely:]
...Why am I upset?
[Already, his memories have fractured again, dissolving like soap bubbles on water. He's grasping at the face he sees when he closes his eyes, but the name, the connection to him--they're slipping away again so quickly, and he doesn't know what to do to hold onto them.]
looks at my laying about heat and stares directly into your eyes
[Lavi lowers his hand, curling his fingers into a fist, pressing his thumb against his pointer finger -- against the tear still on his skin. Maybe it's just instinct, using touch to commit things to memory -- or maybe it's just the desire to let it linger for just a second longer.
either way, only the smallest of his attention is on his hand -- the rest of it is on Kanda, at his question, at the stone dropping in the pit of his stomach,
you remembered someone important to you.
you remembered what you did to him, and you regret it.]
You woke up shouting Alma's name -- someone important to you, whose memory you don't have right now. Either a trip effect or because of the swamp.
Whichever it is doesn't matter, because you'll remember him again.
[said lavi not knowing kanda will DIE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
["Alma"--there's the faintest tug in his heart at the word, a glimmer of something, something sharp and soft and old and new all at once, but just as he reaches for it, it slips out of his reach. He grits his teeth, frustrated, hating how brittle and exposed he feels, hating that he doesn't understand why. What in the world could've been so bad that it would make him, of all people, cry?
It's tempting to storm out, to take refuge in the woods instead, even though the fog will be rolling in very soon. But... Lavi says he'll remember. He speaks with certainty, and maybe it's a little forced, the same way they force themselves to believe a lot of things in awful moments--but Kanda doesn't think he's lying. He wouldn't. Not on purpose. Not about something like this.
He draws in a shaky breath and opens his eyes again.]
...Let's go downstairs.
[He can't try to rest anymore--all he's going to do is lay awake and spiral over this, wasting time and energy on trying. His body is going numb again, and it's just all... there's too much. Being alone with his thoughts isn't helping anything. He needs the distraction of other people, for once. He can rest once they all pass out.
He wants to say no, he wants to shoot down the idea and tell Kanda to go back to bed and rest, especially with the whole group over at the house. But his lips flatten into a line instead, and he exhales, moving to stand up from the bed.]
...Okay.
[He debates letting Kanda somehow make the trip downstairs on his own, but his worry wins out, and he'll reach out to help support his balance as they walk down the stairs.
from there, he'll let the others fuss and talk to Kanda, and watch as Kanda remembers everyone there except for him.
but it's fine, because this won't last -- it won't last any further than Saturday, the forgetting and the way Kanda can't feel his own body, everything dragging him down and exposing him to danger. they'll make it through tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
the next time he sees Kanda, he'll see that look of recognition -- marking the end of every nightmare.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It wasn't real. It's just like what Road did to Lavi--Kanda saw that. And he saw Lavi come back weeks ago, too, talking about how he'd seen Kanda. Lavi is right. He has to be. Lenalee's tears, her cloudy eyes, her desperate attempts to stop herself from hurting people--none of it truly happened. Her mind is still her own, and she's safe at home. It wasn't real.]
...Alma's there too?
[That's the other name Lavi said, but--sorting through his memories brings up nothing, not even the strangely tenuous grasp he has on Lavi, and now Lenalee. But he does remember the Order. If he's recognized everyone in Scawwy except Lavi, then it stands to reason Alma is another exorcist, or something like it. So--surely, he's safe, too?]
no subject
...He was there once, but not anymore.
[then he turns back to look at Kanda, trusting that he'll remember -- because he can't not, after remembering him and Lenalee.]
You've known him the longest -- more than Lenalee and Marie and General Tiedoll. He was your... friend.
[You're the only person who remembers. ...So don't forget.]
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[He frowns, because--that doesn't sound right? He's not--he doesn't make friends. Already, he can feel those other three names flickering in his mind, unstable, but he still remembers them for now. And yes, they're all close to him, but... are they friends? That feels like the wrong word, though Kanda doesn't have the right one.
He fixes his gaze on the floor, looking at nothing, and his brow furrows slightly. Lotus...? Why now?
Well. Whatever. More importantly: "Not anymore," Lavi says, but that only means one thing in the Order.]
How did he die?
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I don't know.
[He hadn't seen that part in the few memories he got to see from Kanda, but]
...The Order created him from the body of a past Exorcist, and then they experimented on him for decades. They put Akuma cells in him -- and put his cells in CROW members. That's how the Thirds were made.
[He's sure Kanda remembers them, and all the rest of this -- the artificial creation, because that's Kanda's story too -- the one thing he shares with one other person in the world,]
They called him Alma Karma. But Alma was his name.
no subject
It sounds--similar to his own story, but not quite. It stirs something in chest, but Kanda can't tell if it's remembrance, or sympathy, or something else. He tries to picture the face of the man he fought just hours ago, to pair it to the things Lavi's telling him, but the pieces slip past each other instead of clicking into place.
With a touch of bitterness:]
Sounds like something they'd do.
[God he hates the Order. He wishes he hated it enough to abandon it.]
no subject
He dips his head instead, breathing in. what he can be right now -- is a bystander, a historian. If you can't remember, then I'll remember it for you. his tone grows a little steadier, softer]
You knew him from your past life. He was someone else then, but -- he still cared about you the same way. He was the person you were searching for.
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The... person...? What are you--
[talking about he wants to ask, but he tenses, suddenly. Abruptly, he grabs at his own chest, his breathing going shallow as he looks down at himself.
Am I still here-- can't feel--]
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-- Yuu!
[the name spills from him, full of panic, his gaze darting down to Kanda's chest and his unsteady breathing --
his hands fall away from Kanda's shoulders, letting him go -- only to curl back around his back and pull him close -- half an embrace and half an attempt to hold him up, to give him something he can hold onto.]
no subject
Fortunately, it's clear when it passes; his breathing shifts to a harsh, angry exhale, and his shoulders drop.]
I hate that fucking--
[
He doesn't even know what this is from at this point actually??? He can guess if he stops to think about it, but so much has happened so quickly. There's no guarantee of what's caused by the swamp and what's a result of his trip, so he just cuts himself off with a curse and lets go of Lavi to rub a hand over his face. At this point he can't even react to the scarring he feels, too distracted by the hot mess that is his brain, apparently.]
no subject
Don't think about it. But I have to.
he loosens his grip, but he keeps one hand on Kanda's back, even as he steps back to give Kanda some space, trying very hard not to think his panic and fear out loud -- but what else can he do or say? what other solution is there besides hope for the best?
but he does so badly with hope. he was willing to sacrifice it.]
You gotta rest.
[I shouldn't keep pushing.]
no subject
(And that's a whole other problem, but he can't even begin to think about it right now.)
But Kanda would never ask him to stay close, even if he was completely sure he wanted it. He blows out a frustrated sigh.]
Yeah.
[And he will, actually!! He'll try to grab a short nap before curfew, exhausted from the ordeal and the effects of the swamp. He wants to do it now, while he still has control over something, even if it's just the ability to take off his exorcist coat while Lavi's around and conscious, secure in the knowledge that he'll be woken up if anything happens before the inevitable deaths occur. It won't even be a comfortable sleep, not with the pain in his back returning full force, but he's slept through worse, so. Whatever.
But at some point, he'll snap awake, sitting bolt upright in his bed with his eyes wide and panicked.]
Alma--
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He's already up on his feet the moment Kanda's eyes snap open, crossing the scant distance between them as Kanda gasps out a familiar name -- ]
Yuu.
[a beat, before he closes the rest of the distance, sitting on the edge of Kanda's bed, body turned towards him and the back to the door -- to the rest of the world.]
It's okay. [is this true?] I'm here.
[but at least this is]
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Could've saved him-- didn't save him-- why did I choose-- is that why I forgot-- Alma-- Alma--]
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this is familiar. it's not the first time Lavi's seen someone he cares for spiral like this, locked in their memories and consumed by their regrets. but back then, Lavi had only lashed out from fear and helplessness, knowing that he couldn't do anything for Lenalee's suffering, and turned that panic into red-hot anger. last time, Bookman had grabbed him by the collar and told him to cut it out == that all that rage and anger wasn't supposed to be him.
And now? He sees the tears fall down Kanda's face, and while Lenalee's had snapped him out of it -- wrong-footed in his shock -- Kanda's dig deep -- like a shard of glass pushed in deep, or the blade of the knife forcibly stabbed into a heart that should be nonexistent.
But the pain, at least, lends him some strength -- just enough to raise a hand to Kanda's face, pressing a thumb against a tear.]
I'm sorry.
[he has no idea if kanda can hear him, but he says it anyway]
NOT MY SET FOO I need to stop phone tagging
He's not fully here, but Lavi is safe enough, familiar enough, that Kanda lets him reach out. For now, at least, though it won't stay that way all night.
Eventually, he pulls back, swiping the heel of his palm over his face. He lowers his hand, but he keeps his eyes closed for a minute. A bit hoarsely:]
...Why am I upset?
[Already, his memories have fractured again, dissolving like soap bubbles on water. He's grasping at the face he sees when he closes his eyes, but the name, the connection to him--they're slipping away again so quickly, and he doesn't know what to do to hold onto them.]
looks at my laying about heat and stares directly into your eyes
either way, only the smallest of his attention is on his hand -- the rest of it is on Kanda, at his question, at the stone dropping in the pit of his stomach,
you remembered someone important to you.
you remembered what you did to him, and you regret it.]
You woke up shouting Alma's name -- someone important to you, whose memory you don't have right now. Either a trip effect or because of the swamp.
Whichever it is doesn't matter, because you'll remember him again.
[said lavi not knowing kanda will DIE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
no subject
It's tempting to storm out, to take refuge in the woods instead, even though the fog will be rolling in very soon. But... Lavi says he'll remember. He speaks with certainty, and maybe it's a little forced, the same way they force themselves to believe a lot of things in awful moments--but Kanda doesn't think he's lying. He wouldn't. Not on purpose. Not about something like this.
He draws in a shaky breath and opens his eyes again.]
...Let's go downstairs.
[He can't try to rest anymore--all he's going to do is lay awake and spiral over this, wasting time and energy on trying. His body is going numb again, and it's just all... there's too much. Being alone with his thoughts isn't helping anything. He needs the distraction of other people, for once. He can rest once they all pass out.
Except he doesn't do that oops]
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He wants to say no, he wants to shoot down the idea and tell Kanda to go back to bed and rest, especially with the whole group over at the house. But his lips flatten into a line instead, and he exhales, moving to stand up from the bed.]
...Okay.
[He debates letting Kanda somehow make the trip downstairs on his own, but his worry wins out, and he'll reach out to help support his balance as they walk down the stairs.
from there, he'll let the others fuss and talk to Kanda, and watch as Kanda remembers everyone there except for him.
but it's fine, because this won't last -- it won't last any further than Saturday, the forgetting and the way Kanda can't feel his own body, everything dragging him down and exposing him to danger. they'll make it through tonight and tomorrow, and the next day and the next.
the next time he sees Kanda, he'll see that look of recognition -- marking the end of every nightmare.]