jk, he is more than happy to sit like this and take in Kanda framed by the sunrise. his memory is always more of a curse than not -- useful in some ways, sure. for remembering dates and facts and details. it's saved his life on missions more than once. it's vital to who he is as a member of the bookman clan.
but it's the reason for all his nightmares, why all the toils of humanity remain burned in him. so many bodies, back home and here. when he closes his eye he can only see faces of people dead and gone. people who rely on him to remember that they existed. he feels the weight of all that ink and paper on him at all times.
and yet, as Lavi sits next to Kanda as the wheel slowly turns, as he watches the light break upon his face, Kanda's neutral expression like he's not even interested or having fun, and yet just the fact he's not spitting mad or exasperated means so much -- he can only be grateful for that punishing memory of his, because it'll let him remember every stroke and detail of this moment. his absurdly long eyelashes, dark against his pale cheek. the shadow cast by his hand cut by the angle of his cheekbones. it'll let him carry Kanda with him, on this day and the next, forever and ever.
[Meanwhile, Kanda is oblivious to all of these thoughts.
(Or is he? There is a lot that flies over his head. But there's a lot he notices, too. Lavi's all-seeing gaze on him so, so often, to the point where Kanda's grown to rely on him to provide the answers that Kanda won't, because he's sure Lavi's gleaned them somehow. The slips of the mask, the ones that prompted him to say I'd know if it was you. Lavi holding the full truth of him, from "birth" to "death," and breaking his own oath to protect it. Everything that's built up to this: Lavi being allowed in his space in ways no one else is, trusted in full, even though Kanda should be as suspicious of him as anyone else.
...But does it matter, if it's not something he'll ever address?)
[He immediately flushes red -- or maybe that's the light of the sun? Either way, Kanda isn't looking at him, so -- he's safe. It's not that he's surprised Kanda noticed -- he's long since suspected him of having a third eye in the back of his head -- but he's surprised that he's bothered to mention it out loud.
He's always thought of their relationship in silences - ironic considering how often lavi talks away at kanda, constantly filling up the spaces with his words and his noise. but all that chatter is his own, whereas Kanda is always quiet in return. Kanda never falls into the trap of conversation, has never folded against the brunt of Lavi's false friendliness, has never expected anything, demanded, or asked Lavi to be anything. He's simply existed. this is someone who'll never see me, lavi had thought once, long ago, and he'd been relieved to meet someone so easy to get along with.
but now? he feels the itch beneath his skin, the trail leading deeper -- somewhere in that nonexistent heart that's slowly, quietly grown in all those silences. without being noticed or remarked upon, until now.]
I like looking at you.
[the words tumble out a little awkwardly, instead of his usual cheer. and he turns a little redder in response, feeling like an IDIOT, and thanking the god every exorcists hates that Kanda is still looking away... this is the only time he can be a bottom
[I keep coming back to this thread and then leaving again because nothing I can write is a good match for Lavi being a cute flustered bottom
Since Kanda is AN IDIOT!!! And he even ruins the thing Lavi's grateful for by turning to look at him, probably to say something rude and stupid, only for his face to turn slightly confused,,,]
Why's your face all red?
[Even if he did notice romance he wouldn't know what the fuck he's looking at because he's used to Lavi yelling STRIKE and being a ham around pretty girls]
[now it's his turn to think about pushing Kanda off???? but instead he HUFFS and pointedly looks past Kanda at the window, at this sun that has been rising for a while damn.
[ALSO STOP FERRIS WHEELS ARE SLOW THEY'RE HERE FOR AT LEAST TWENTY MINUTES though they're probably being lowered down by now.
The thing is--there's a lot about people that Kanda doesn't see. Mostly, it's because he doesn't look. The vast majority of the time, there are other things on his mind: his missions, the war, the countless horrific memories he has to work on shutting out every single day. In part, it's because of inexperience. He'd talked to Edgar and Tui in the lab, sure, but even after nine years out in the world, there's still so much he doesn't know.
But more than anything, it's because of his own heart. Anything less than such endless, binding, obsessive love, the kind of thing that would drag a person back from death itself, the soul-deep longing that pushed him forward, that broke through when none of his other memories did--if it isn't that, then it's not worth his attention. Not when he has other priorities.
This... isn't that. At least, he doesn't think so. It can't be, not when Lavi disappeared before Kanda found resolution. Not when they're both bound to duties greater than themselves.
But Kanda isn't totally oblivious to everything. He's not so stupid that he doesn't realize this is something. He just--doesn't know what, or what to do with it.]
[STOP THEY CAN'T BE LOWERED DOWN YET THEY HAVE TO AT LEAST REACH THE TIPPY TOP
At that, Lavi shoots Kanda another look, searching his expression for the usual confusion or disinterest or annoyance, and finds none. Instead, the absence of all three makes his chest feel a little funny, and he tucks his chin on his hand, pressing the fingers over his mouth to not quite successfully hide a stupid grin --]
I said it first.
[pointedly. even though that's not right, kanda has definitely called him stupid first since they've been here? but Lavi says it anyway, because he wants to be a little childish in this moment, and feels safe enough to be. He leans over, knocking his elbow into Kanda's side and gesturing with his chin at the view again.]
Anyway, quit looking at me. We're almost at the top!
[it's a picture perfect moment as the timing falls neatly into place, and the sun rises brightly as if in answer]
[YOU SAID IT WAS TOO SLOW THIS IS A TURBO FERRIS WHEEL NOW!!!!]
You did not.
[Tch!!! He's usually not childishly pedantic, but SOME PEOPLE have a way of bringing out his immaturity... wonder why.
It's very briefly tempting to not look, but that's more Allen's brand of spite than his, so he elbows Lavi back--less gently, of course--and turns back to the window. He keeps his gaze fixed low, down on the horizon to combat any stray, complicated feelings about the broad open sky. Kanda would still prefer this view from a mountain or something, he thinks, but... it is nice, and he can pretend, just for a minute or two, that they're on a normal mission, not stuck in this hateful town.]
Kanda's CHILDISH reply almost makes Lavi laugh, but he saves himself by turning it into a big stupid grin instead, choosing instead to respond with silence so as not to RUIN this moment with his annoying ass voice -- it's really just a sunrise like any other, how many times has he seen them while traveling with Gramps, and then while on missions at the Order?
It's different this time.
Because he'd gotten out of bed for this, because he'd dragged Kanda all the way to sketchy carnival in a sketchier town. It's a sunrise with purpose, framed in peace.
His hand is still on his face, which he uses to cover his mouth again, trying to silence the instinctive yawn. He feels content and warm.... which means he feels.... sneepy.... He shifts to the side, leaning his weight on Kanda,]
No just kidding. Ordinarily, he probably would move away--he lets Lavi into his space more often than most would think he'd allow, but he still prefers to guard his bubble.
But Lavi let him do this weeks ago, and... it really is so rare for them to find moments of peace. To feel safe enough to let their guards down, especially in the middle of somewhere dangerous like this.
Kanda doesn't know they have barely over a day left together--if he did, maybe even he would make better use of their time. But even so, he's quiet, and he lets Lavi lean on him without complaint.]
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jk, he is more than happy to sit like this and take in Kanda framed by the sunrise. his memory is always more of a curse than not -- useful in some ways, sure. for remembering dates and facts and details. it's saved his life on missions more than once. it's vital to who he is as a member of the bookman clan.
but it's the reason for all his nightmares, why all the toils of humanity remain burned in him. so many bodies, back home and here. when he closes his eye he can only see faces of people dead and gone. people who rely on him to remember that they existed. he feels the weight of all that ink and paper on him at all times.
and yet, as Lavi sits next to Kanda as the wheel slowly turns, as he watches the light break upon his face, Kanda's neutral expression like he's not even interested or having fun, and yet just the fact he's not spitting mad or exasperated means so much -- he can only be grateful for that punishing memory of his, because it'll let him remember every stroke and detail of this moment. his absurdly long eyelashes, dark against his pale cheek. the shadow cast by his hand cut by the angle of his cheekbones. it'll let him carry Kanda with him, on this day and the next, forever and ever.
This is real nice. I like it a lot.]
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(Or is he? There is a lot that flies over his head. But there's a lot he notices, too. Lavi's all-seeing gaze on him so, so often, to the point where Kanda's grown to rely on him to provide the answers that Kanda won't, because he's sure Lavi's gleaned them somehow. The slips of the mask, the ones that prompted him to say I'd know if it was you. Lavi holding the full truth of him, from "birth" to "death," and breaking his own oath to protect it. Everything that's built up to this: Lavi being allowed in his space in ways no one else is, trusted in full, even though Kanda should be as suspicious of him as anyone else.
...But does it matter, if it's not something he'll ever address?)
Eventually, without turning his head to look:]
You're staring.
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He's always thought of their relationship in silences - ironic considering how often lavi talks away at kanda, constantly filling up the spaces with his words and his noise. but all that chatter is his own, whereas Kanda is always quiet in return. Kanda never falls into the trap of conversation, has never folded against the brunt of Lavi's false friendliness, has never expected anything, demanded, or asked Lavi to be anything. He's simply existed. this is someone who'll never see me, lavi had thought once, long ago, and he'd been relieved to meet someone so easy to get along with.
but now? he feels the itch beneath his skin, the trail leading deeper -- somewhere in that nonexistent heart that's slowly, quietly grown in all those silences. without being noticed or remarked upon, until now.]
I like looking at you.
[the words tumble out a little awkwardly, instead of his usual cheer. and he turns a little redder in response, feeling like an IDIOT, and thanking the god every exorcists hates that Kanda is still looking away... this is the only time he can be a bottom
I want to remember you like this.]
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Since Kanda is AN IDIOT!!! And he even ruins the thing Lavi's grateful for by turning to look at him, probably to say something rude and stupid, only for his face to turn slightly confused,,,]
Why's your face all red?
[Even if he did notice romance he wouldn't know what the fuck he's looking at because he's used to Lavi yelling STRIKE and being a ham around pretty girls]
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Lavi just turns redder at the question -- no!!!! You weren't supposed to turn around!!]
Um. [he tugs his scarf loose? flapping a hand at his face] Woah, it's warm in here! Aren't you hot?
[the temperature....... is very comfy since it's early morning hours]
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ALSO HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING SO NOW HE'S JUST GETTING ANNOYED
What the hell's up with him.]
No? What's wrong with you. [DON'T JUST SAY IT OUT LOUD]
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I'm just hot!! [GRABS KANDA'S HAND AND STICKS IT ON HIS OWN FACE] See?
[FEEL THE TEMPERATURE]
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He didn't think past this though. What's he gonna do. They're in the air.]
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wait no, nothing's happening? stares at Kanda, wide-eyed.... sorry his face feels even hotter now]
Uhhh.... Yuu?
[THE FACT THAT NOTHING'S HAPPENING IS SCARING HIM]
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LAVI DOESN'T HAVE HIS HAMMER HE'D DIE IF HE HIT THE WATER FROM UP HERE]
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Quit it. I'll seriously die if you shove me off...
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You were being weird! You're still all red!
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Okay, fine -- I was laying about the heat. It's cause I'm embarrassed!!
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Because you were staring. [Now he's just being a butthead on purpose]
LAYING ABOUT THE HEAT??????????
Because I said I like looking at you, stupid.]
IT'S FINE IT'S FINE
The thing is--there's a lot about people that Kanda doesn't see. Mostly, it's because he doesn't look. The vast majority of the time, there are other things on his mind: his missions, the war, the countless horrific memories he has to work on shutting out every single day. In part, it's because of inexperience. He'd talked to Edgar and Tui in the lab, sure, but even after nine years out in the world, there's still so much he doesn't know.
But more than anything, it's because of his own heart. Anything less than such endless, binding, obsessive love, the kind of thing that would drag a person back from death itself, the soul-deep longing that pushed him forward, that broke through when none of his other memories did--if it isn't that, then it's not worth his attention. Not when he has other priorities.
This... isn't that. At least, he doesn't think so. It can't be, not when Lavi disappeared before Kanda found resolution. Not when they're both bound to duties greater than themselves.
But Kanda isn't totally oblivious to everything. He's not so stupid that he doesn't realize this is something. He just--doesn't know what, or what to do with it.]
...Idiot.
[Absolutely useless response thank you Kanda]
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At that, Lavi shoots Kanda another look, searching his expression for the usual confusion or disinterest or annoyance, and finds none. Instead, the absence of all three makes his chest feel a little funny, and he tucks his chin on his hand, pressing the fingers over his mouth to not quite successfully hide a stupid grin --]
I said it first.
[pointedly. even though that's not right, kanda has definitely called him stupid first since they've been here? but Lavi says it anyway, because he wants to be a little childish in this moment, and feels safe enough to be. He leans over, knocking his elbow into Kanda's side and gesturing with his chin at the view again.]
Anyway, quit looking at me. We're almost at the top!
[it's a picture perfect moment as the timing falls neatly into place, and the sun rises brightly as if in answer]
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You did not.
[Tch!!! He's usually not childishly pedantic, but SOME PEOPLE have a way of bringing out his immaturity... wonder why.
It's very briefly tempting to not look, but that's more Allen's brand of spite than his, so he elbows Lavi back--less gently, of course--and turns back to the window. He keeps his gaze fixed low, down on the horizon to combat any stray, complicated feelings about the broad open sky. Kanda would still prefer this view from a mountain or something, he thinks, but... it is nice, and he can pretend, just for a minute or two, that they're on a normal mission, not stuck in this hateful town.]
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Kanda's CHILDISH reply almost makes Lavi laugh, but he saves himself by turning it into a big stupid grin instead, choosing instead to respond with silence so as not to RUIN this moment with his annoying ass voice -- it's really just a sunrise like any other, how many times has he seen them while traveling with Gramps, and then while on missions at the Order?
It's different this time.
Because he'd gotten out of bed for this, because he'd dragged Kanda all the way to sketchy carnival in a sketchier town. It's a sunrise with purpose, framed in peace.
His hand is still on his face, which he uses to cover his mouth again, trying to silence the instinctive yawn. He feels content and warm.... which means he feels.... sneepy.... He shifts to the side, leaning his weight on Kanda,]
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No just kidding. Ordinarily, he probably would move away--he lets Lavi into his space more often than most would think he'd allow, but he still prefers to guard his bubble.
But Lavi let him do this weeks ago, and... it really is so rare for them to find moments of peace. To feel safe enough to let their guards down, especially in the middle of somewhere dangerous like this.
Kanda doesn't know they have barely over a day left together--if he did, maybe even he would make better use of their time. But even so, he's quiet, and he lets Lavi lean on him without complaint.]