[...It's ultimately Lavi's choice, of course. Kanda doesn't say that, because he's sure he doesn't need to; Lavi will do what he wants if he doesn't like Kanda's opinions.
He opens his mouth, then pauses, and closes it again. He's quiet for a long time--not quite hesitant, but something like it.]
Use it to get the old man back to the Order. [.......] I'll cover for you, if you don't want to go straight back.
[It's not like him to be optimstic--but he is stubborn when he wants to be. It's not naivete to reject the idea of Lavi failing to make it out of here and back home. It's simply Kanda doing what he wants, spitting on fate the way he always has. If Kanda can beat the odds time and time and time again, then Lavi can too, just this once. He's more human than Kanda will ever be, but he deserves this, even if it's in defiance of God.
And he deserves... freedom, if he wants it. Kanda doesn't even know if Lavi could stay away for very long, if his Innocence would threaten him right back into piety after a week or two--but it would be something. A breather. A chance to see the world and its people without thinking too hard about how much he's not allowed to love them.
Kanda did what he could for Allen. That debt is repaid. (I̴s̷n̴'̸t̷ ̵i̶t̴?̷) And this is hardly the same thing. Lavi helped avenge him, kind of, but--it was peace for Kate more than anything else. Kanda hadn't had any idea Lavi was tearing himself apart over the case like that; if he'd known, he would've written and told him to knock it off.
Maybe it's a little bit of regret, even so. It's the number 49 and they should all just die and sometimes I think there's no going back--but more than anything, it's knowing what freedom feels like. Wanting someone else to know it. Someone as chained to duty as he once was, who has granted him moments of respite and feelings of safety when there were none to be found otherwise--someone who trusted him with honesty long before this place pried greater truths out of them.
He doubts Lavi would vanish forever. They're too alike in that way, though Kanda thinks Bookman cares for Lavi far more than the Order has ever cared for him. Maybe that's better, or worse. He doesn't know. But that's part of the reason he's saying this in the first place. Kanda does what he can for the people he cares about, but he's not selfless enough to let them go if he doesn't have to.
Maybe Lavi will brush the whole thing off entirely. Kanda probably should've waited to mention this, even though it's been turning in his head for a while. But Kanda, despite all the demands he's made, has no way of knowing if they'll ever speak face to face again. He can't even begin to ask. But he doesn't want to put it in a letter that anyone could read, so he puts the offer on the table now.]
[...It's Lavi's turn to be surprised. No, surprise isn't the right word for it -- shock? It falls across his face, a mirror of Kanda's own just earlier, except this time it's all his.
He thought he knew everything about Kanda. He'd been afraid at first, when he realized that he hadn't, and then somewhere along the way that fear turned into curiosity, and then joy -- the gladness Lavi always feels when he meets someone new for the first time or gets to know them better. Every person is part of a record, and Kanda is no exception -- but he's gone further. more than an imprint on a page, but a journey all unto himself. a process that Lavi gets to see and experience, a path that with every new twist comes another revelation. only this time instead of all the ugliness of war, it's the simple beauty of getting to know a single life.
Of knowing that this is Kanda's answer. Of knowing its depth, what Kanda is offering. Of knowing what freedom means to the man standing before him.
A lot of people have expressed similar sentiments -- a desire for Lavi to break free -- but not understanding that these are duties he picked for himself. But Kanda's answer is different. It's not telling him to do anything or be anyone he isn't ready to be. It's... a choice. And Lavi knows too well how little choices Kanda has for himself, how rare it is for anyone from their world and the war to have this.
his heart hammers in his chest, that soft beating thing he never should have but has thrived with every intent and purpose. he's honestly so overwhelmed by this moment that it takes him a bit to imagine what it would even be like if he said 'okay'. where would he go? what would he be? it's a frightening possibility to consider, but he's not afraid.
he thinks he knows his answer.]
I want to go back with you.
[his voice is soft, but not tentative or hesitant this time. there are so many reasons why -- and one of them is that he remembers the hold on Kanda's mind that's convincing him to return to the Order, and that he promised to remember that for him, and he could really say it right now to make it clear, but the words that tumble out of him instead are]
Or at least -- I just... want to be with you.
[it's what he wants but it's not a no. maybe he will use it for bookman, if he can fight the guilt from not using it to -- stop the war? (like more wouldn't spring forth) change the past? (as if he could take that decision again out of kanda's hands)]
[It's not a no, but to Kanda's altered brain, it kind of sounds like one. The only place he's going is straight back to the Order, after all. But at least he can tell it's the kind of "no" that isn't wholly convincing. It's Lavi's version of looking at a broad blue sky after hundreds of days underground, unsure of what to do or where to go. But in his case, Kanda thinks, he probably just needs a push. The unknown is awful and terrifying; Lavi's probably just hesitating from uncertainty.
...At least, that's partially what he thinks. But even Kanda isn't that oblivious. Not when Lavi's tone is so soft, when his expression is more open than Kanda's ever seen it, even when Lavi had been wracked with fury or grief. Kanda thinks of the last person who spoke to him so tenderly, with words like I just... wanted to be with Yuu and Just stay with me. Of a bright smile in the darkest places and at the worst times. (The lab. Edo. HQ. North America.) A relentless presence behind him, beside him. Laying beside him, watching the ripples in cold pools. (Leaning against him, morning sunbeams breaking across the water far below.)
Still--he wants Lavi to think selfishly. With his perspective skewed by altered memories, it's impossible to see this answer clearly. And Kanda knows so much of him now, but even he only has pieces of Lavi whole self to hold onto. He can't really know just how big of a step Lavi's taking in admitting to wanting anything at all.
His eyes linger on Lavi's face for a minute before he huffs and looks away.]
Don't answer now, stupid. [Grumbles, though there's no heat to his voice.] Wait until we know if we're all dead for real.
[If they do survive this, and Lavi's answer is the same after he thinks it over, then... well, then they're headed back to the Order, as Kanda had assumed they would be from the start. Back to normal on paper, if not in truth. As for the rest, anything to do with hearts or attachments or those other things they're not supposed to have--they can cross that bridge on the way home, if they choose to do so at all.
He's not capable of giving a proper response with his mind the way it is right now. He probably wouldn't even if his head wasn't affected, not when he's already been haunted by a broken promise to a lov--to someone important, once before. But it's not a no from him either. That's the best he can do.]
[This response from Kanda is familiar, and it's enough to pull a smile from him, part gallows humor, part fond appreciation. It's not a brutal reminder of their reality because he hasn't forgotten where they are now, and how they got here. It's a little like fighting through an ark set for self-destruction, leaving first Kanda and then Krory behind. He hadn't let the despair take him then, so there's no reason to let it take him now.
It's not over yet. It's not even the final hour. They still have time. ...It's not the end. That comes later.]
Hey, it's not like we know what's gonna happen! [because they could survive this or they could not, but they're so used to walking the line between the two.
when have they ever had a day that was promised?]
So I should get to say whatever I want, just in case.
LAVI JUST LAUGHS. which is nice, because he has not laughed in forever. he didn't even laugh during the omegaverse booth, even though it was funny..... a sign of how BAD the VIBES HAVE BEEN]
If he doesn't move around though he's going to just work himself up and get pissed off again about not being able to say the things he really wants to, so he just starts walking off, assuming Lavi will follow him... what is at this market]
[RUNS AFTER BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES!!!!! the way this market looks more familiar to the both of them because they're probably seen a dozen of these open air markets with stalls for random goods and food. literally ANYTHING can BE HERE!!!
it really doesn't take long for Lavi to catch up because he has longer legs anyway, so he'll just walk around with Kanda.]
I was here just the other day to find something for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He opens his mouth, then pauses, and closes it again. He's quiet for a long time--not quite hesitant, but something like it.]
Use it to get the old man back to the Order. [.......] I'll cover for you, if you don't want to go straight back.
[It's not like him to be optimstic--but he is stubborn when he wants to be. It's not naivete to reject the idea of Lavi failing to make it out of here and back home. It's simply Kanda doing what he wants, spitting on fate the way he always has. If Kanda can beat the odds time and time and time again, then Lavi can too, just this once. He's more human than Kanda will ever be, but he deserves this, even if it's in defiance of God.
And he deserves... freedom, if he wants it. Kanda doesn't even know if Lavi could stay away for very long, if his Innocence would threaten him right back into piety after a week or two--but it would be something. A breather. A chance to see the world and its people without thinking too hard about how much he's not allowed to love them.
Kanda did what he could for Allen. That debt is repaid. (I̴s̷n̴'̸t̷ ̵i̶t̴?̷) And this is hardly the same thing. Lavi helped avenge him, kind of, but--it was peace for Kate more than anything else. Kanda hadn't had any idea Lavi was tearing himself apart over the case like that; if he'd known, he would've written and told him to knock it off.
Maybe it's a little bit of regret, even so. It's the number 49 and they should all just die and sometimes I think there's no going back--but more than anything, it's knowing what freedom feels like. Wanting someone else to know it. Someone as chained to duty as he once was, who has granted him moments of respite and feelings of safety when there were none to be found otherwise--someone who trusted him with honesty long before this place pried greater truths out of them.
He doubts Lavi would vanish forever. They're too alike in that way, though Kanda thinks Bookman cares for Lavi far more than the Order has ever cared for him. Maybe that's better, or worse. He doesn't know. But that's part of the reason he's saying this in the first place. Kanda does what he can for the people he cares about, but he's not selfless enough to let them go if he doesn't have to.
Maybe Lavi will brush the whole thing off entirely. Kanda probably should've waited to mention this, even though it's been turning in his head for a while. But Kanda, despite all the demands he's made, has no way of knowing if they'll ever speak face to face again. He can't even begin to ask. But he doesn't want to put it in a letter that anyone could read, so he puts the offer on the table now.]
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He thought he knew everything about Kanda. He'd been afraid at first, when he realized that he hadn't, and then somewhere along the way that fear turned into curiosity, and then joy -- the gladness Lavi always feels when he meets someone new for the first time or gets to know them better. Every person is part of a record, and Kanda is no exception -- but he's gone further. more than an imprint on a page, but a journey all unto himself. a process that Lavi gets to see and experience, a path that with every new twist comes another revelation. only this time instead of all the ugliness of war, it's the simple beauty of getting to know a single life.
Of knowing that this is Kanda's answer. Of knowing its depth, what Kanda is offering. Of knowing what freedom means to the man standing before him.
A lot of people have expressed similar sentiments -- a desire for Lavi to break free -- but not understanding that these are duties he picked for himself. But Kanda's answer is different. It's not telling him to do anything or be anyone he isn't ready to be. It's... a choice. And Lavi knows too well how little choices Kanda has for himself, how rare it is for anyone from their world and the war to have this.
his heart hammers in his chest, that soft beating thing he never should have but has thrived with every intent and purpose. he's honestly so overwhelmed by this moment that it takes him a bit to imagine what it would even be like if he said 'okay'. where would he go? what would he be? it's a frightening possibility to consider, but he's not afraid.
he thinks he knows his answer.]
I want to go back with you.
[his voice is soft, but not tentative or hesitant this time. there are so many reasons why -- and one of them is that he remembers the hold on Kanda's mind that's convincing him to return to the Order, and that he promised to remember that for him, and he could really say it right now to make it clear, but the words that tumble out of him instead are]
Or at least -- I just... want to be with you.
[it's what he wants but it's not a no. maybe he will use it for bookman, if he can fight the guilt from not using it to -- stop the war? (like more wouldn't spring forth) change the past? (as if he could take that decision again out of kanda's hands)]
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...At least, that's partially what he thinks. But even Kanda isn't that oblivious. Not when Lavi's tone is so soft, when his expression is more open than Kanda's ever seen it, even when Lavi had been wracked with fury or grief. Kanda thinks of the last person who spoke to him so tenderly, with words like I just... wanted to be with Yuu and Just stay with me. Of a bright smile in the darkest places and at the worst times. (The lab. Edo. HQ. North America.) A relentless presence behind him, beside him. Laying beside him, watching the ripples in cold pools. (Leaning against him, morning sunbeams breaking across the water far below.)
Still--he wants Lavi to think selfishly. With his perspective skewed by altered memories, it's impossible to see this answer clearly. And Kanda knows so much of him now, but even he only has pieces of Lavi whole self to hold onto. He can't really know just how big of a step Lavi's taking in admitting to wanting anything at all.
His eyes linger on Lavi's face for a minute before he huffs and looks away.]
Don't answer now, stupid. [Grumbles, though there's no heat to his voice.] Wait until we know if we're all dead for real.
[If they do survive this, and Lavi's answer is the same after he thinks it over, then... well, then they're headed back to the Order, as Kanda had assumed they would be from the start. Back to normal on paper, if not in truth. As for the rest, anything to do with hearts or attachments or those other things they're not supposed to have--they can cross that bridge on the way home, if they choose to do so at all.
He's not capable of giving a proper response with his mind the way it is right now. He probably wouldn't even if his head wasn't affected, not when he's already been haunted by a broken promise to a lov--to someone important, once before. But it's not a no from him either. That's the best he can do.]
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It's not over yet. It's not even the final hour. They still have time. ...It's not the end. That comes later.]
Hey, it's not like we know what's gonna happen! [because they could survive this or they could not, but they're so used to walking the line between the two.
when have they ever had a day that was promised?]
So I should get to say whatever I want, just in case.
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[
DON'T JUST SAY "TCH" AFTER THIS DEEP HEARTFELT MOMENT]
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LAVI JUST LAUGHS. which is nice, because he has not laughed in forever. he didn't even laugh during the omegaverse booth, even though it was funny..... a sign of how BAD the VIBES HAVE BEEN]
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If he doesn't move around though he's going to just work himself up and get pissed off again about not being able to say the things he really wants to, so he just starts walking off, assuming Lavi will follow him... what is at this market]
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[RUNS AFTER BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES!!!!! the way this market looks more familiar to the both of them because they're probably seen a dozen of these open air markets with stalls for random goods and food. literally ANYTHING can BE HERE!!!
it really doesn't take long for Lavi to catch up because he has longer legs anyway, so he'll just walk around with Kanda.]
I was here just the other day to find something for you.
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I don't want it. [STOP]
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We got a lot of stuff at the house. Like this!
[takes the little kanda planchette keychain from his chest pocket and dangles it in front of kanda]
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Looks over and MAKES THIS ICON FACE]
Throw that away! [TRIES TO SWIPE IT BUT I ROLLED A 9]
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Lavi rescues the planchette keychain just in time. HE ALSO TAKES OUT ANOTHEr ONE... THIS TIME OF LAVI. and holds it out....]
Here, take this!
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But he only gets to hold it for a second before it slips through his hand. Tch]
They really couldn't figure out a better way than this?!
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It's not so bad.
[partly because kanda and aventurine can't beat him up]
At least we can talk to each other! ...Kinda.
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Grudgingly:]
...I guess.
[This is the closest he will ever get to even HINTING that he misses Lavi]
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I missed you too, Yuu! Soooo much!
[UWAAAAH!!!]
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You're so damn loud!
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[clutches his stomach.... ueueue]
I missed this too...!
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[I need to know if anyone has talked to Lavi about his masochistic tendencies]
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I miss everything!
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Blips out of existence on purpose just to be rude]
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-- Yuu? Yuu!?!
[NO............................. stands here so sadly............]
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Get those for Lena.
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Lavi runs over to catch up with him again, except instead of trying to tackle him, he turns to peer down at the shoes,]
Oh -- she'd look real cute in 'em! Nice pick, Yuu.
[he'll pick these shoes up!!!]
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[LIKE HE DIDN'T JUST DO SOMETHING NICE,]
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