[THEY CAN'T DO THAT WHERE STSG MIGHT WALK BY AND START TAKING BETS
But even though Kanda guards his space so viciously, and for all that he's shown zero interest in anyone until now, it's not because he has a blanket aversion to touch. Like an imperious cat, he decides who is allowed near him, and what they're permitted to do, and for precisely how long. Even Lavi, who gleefully toes the line so often, gets away with warning swipes; if Kanda had ever truly wanted him to stop for good, Lavi would have known it.
The same holds true now--Kanda is very sure that Lavi knows Kanda will end this when he wants to, that every passing moment is a conscious choice to keep kissing Lavi and bask in his affection. Lavi's desire spills through, a lesson in its own right for a man like Kanda. And maybe Kanda should be flattered that Lavi's want is unwaveringly strong even in the face of Kanda's inexperience, but he has no idea he should care about that... besides, Lavi knew what he was getting into. He gets no mercy points!!
But he can at least have Kanda's lips parting to let him in, even if it's mostly out of reflex. And he can have Kanda's fingers curling lightly into his shirt as Kanda relaxes just a little, coaxed into letting go of some of his ever-present tension. Lavi may be teasing and testing the waters with every hint of teeth and tongue, but he's also giving Kanda unspoken direction to do the same to him, and Kanda has no reason not to follow his lead. AT LEAST HE KNOWS NOT TO BITE TOO HARD he's not feral... mostly... but all bets are off once he gets used to this, so Lavi had better make sure he doesn't lose that scarf.
Unfortunately for Lavi, Kanda is not so easily swept up yet--not after a long day of god-killing, and especially not so soon after they'd decided to try... whatever this is. Kanda doesn't know the word for it. So while he's fine with making out for a little while, eventually he reaches up to grab Lavi's face and jerk him backward. SMUSHES HIS CHEEKS RUDELY]
Lavi looks back at him with his face in Kanda's loving grip, the hazy look in his eye fading away with every confused blink. The advantage(?) of emotion share is that Kanda can feel Lavi's horniness recede in real time... DOES IT DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY? NO.... but it does go down at a more manageable level -- giving precedence to his other emotions, which is just his bass boosted AFFECTION AND FONDNESS. Those aren't going away, unfortunately...
He curls his hand around Kanda's wrist to tug it down just a little,]
Sorry. [HE'S NOT SORRY AT ALL!!!!!
some of his stupidly mischievous energy fades, and he tilts his head to rest his face against Kanda's hand instead,]
...And thanks.
[for hearing him out, for staying with him, for surviving, for being here, for maybe every unsaid thing still beating away within his heart]
[HE CAN FEEL THAT YOU'RE NOT SORRY AND ALSO THAT YOU'RE STILL HORNY!!! But it's fine... from anyone else, such an onslaught of feelings would be overwhelming, something he knows from experience after being sensory-tied to Caelus in the middle of rejecting him. (Not that Caelus was projecting horniness back then, of course.) But he's long since grown desensitized to Lavi's over-the-top behavior, and this is close enough to familiar that it doesn't bother him. If anything, it's better than all of Lavi's cheesy shouts and energetic hugs, because Kanda can feel for himself that it's wholly genuine. And isn't that what he's always preferred?
He lets Lavi lean into his hand for a minute, simply sitting with how it feels to be able to touch him again. Kanda certainly isn't going to become clingy overnight--but they've been apart for so long, and they have no guarantee that they'll make it past tomorrow. This isn't the same as their separate missions, no matter how much Kanda has claimed otherwise.
Like before, his own feelings of affection and contentment are more mellow than Lavi's--but they're undeniably there, and he doesn't try to pretend otherwise. Surely he will take this moment to say something sweet and caring...]
Whatever. [KANDA.] Didn't you say you wanted to go somewhere?
[THIS "WHATEVER" IS SO FUNNY!!!!!! It's very Kanda and therefore endears Lavi even more to him, wow. the M is real... That and he's more interested in all the other ways Kanda is letting him in,]
I did? [DID HE????? so much for that bookman memory....
....he continues to sit with Kanda while holding his hand.]
[STOP HE'S NO LONGER HORNY HE'S JUST AFFECTIONATE!!! it's really this energy right now as Lavi cuddles closer.... uwah]
Let's take a quick nap...
[they really just did endgame for 9 hours straight my god. what he really wants to do is SLEEP but apparently everyone is GOING HOME TOMORROW so now he has to nap really quickly and then see everyone off for one last time.... but nap first.... nap? nap?? nap??]
[With his seal restored, even broken as it is, Kanda's not nearly as tired as he could be--but it occurs to him now that he doesn't know what Lavi was doing before they reunited. For all he knows, Lavi was battling monsters nonstop. (Or worse. Kanda knows very well how much this place can fuck with your head.)
He nudges Lavi off of him and gets to his feet, and though he lets go of Lavi's hand, he doesn't pull away.]
Come on.
[He might as well let Lavi take advantage of quiet and security for the few hours they've got it. They can go to his apartment, which just looks like his room at the Order, broken window and lotus in the corner and all. The only difference is the screen that reflects the living side. It is perhaps very mean of him to make Lavi sleep with him literally right after forcing him to calm down but Kanda would not care about that even if he knew,,,]
[THIS WOULD BE SO MEAN IF LAVI DIDN'T KNOW KANDA!!! Maybe it is still a little mean, but Lavi's curiosity wins over -- LIKE ALWAYS -- as he uses a couple of precious minutes scoping out Kanda's room, feeling nostalgic.
He tugs off his scarf and coat and boots and whatever the fck those leg warmers he's wearing are and then sits on the edge of Kanda's bed, eye flicking to the only objecet in this room that's not from the Order.]
So that's how you've been watching us.
[DOES EVERYONE GET A TV IN THEIR ROOM OR DID KANDA SPECIFICALLY REQUEST ONE]
[NOT HIS LEG WARMERS HELP!! I guess Kanda will take his coat off finally and just dump it on the floor in the corner until they're ready to go wash their clothes. Thankfully he keeps it buttoned up so everything underneath is clean and he's not getting zombie guts on the bed.]
Mm. There are screens all over.
[HE DIDN'T REQUEST IT the rooms reflect the residents and sensed his desire to watch the living... luckily the Order has flatscreen technology so his manifested with a screen, but he would've just taken one from Costco for himself even if it hadn't. Not that he would ever admit that.]
[so he did request it..... Lavi internally debates taking off his pants for like half a second, but maybe he is very aware of how they're finally alone in a place that has a LOCK on it and decides that maybe he should just keep them on.......... it's fine IT'S FINE he can fall asleep in his uniform he's done it 5000 times before,
ANYWAY!!! he scoots over and pats the space on the bed next to him,]
The way there's nowhere else to sit in here so Kanda would have to be on the bed even if he didn't want to. Fortunately he does... he will sit on the bed and stretch his legs out, leaning back against the wall.]
How much time do you want? [So he knows when to wake Lavi up]
Lavi takes this as his cue to also get comfy, lying down and stretching out to his ridiculous height. He feels the exhaustion hit the moment he's horizontal. Good thing horny isn't happening tonight what if Lavi just FELL ASLEEP DURING IT....]
Just half an hour... [mumbling, but also he blinks up at Kanda] You're not gonna sleep?
[As if Lavi's not going to wake up and immediately want to make out some more
Blinks down at him. Is that what he wanted?]
We're not that safe yet. [Well. No. Technically they are the most safe they have ever been because there are no enemies here that only exorcists can deal with... but he got used to sleeping in shifts so that didn't occur to him until just now]
He's quiet for a minute, reluctant with paranoia--but the combination of effects, exhaustion, and his own desire to be close wins out. He sighs, but he scoots down until he's lying down beside Lavi. Whether he'll actually doze off or not is up in the air, but at least he gave in.]
Lavi lies back down at the same time, shifting so that he's on his side and facing Kanda. Both his expression and emotions are pleased, touched that Kanda is once again going along with what Lavi wants. It makes him want to stay awake just to soak up this moment, being with Kanda again after all those weeks of separation. He doesn't have to wonder about what Kanda is doing or thinking, or whether he's thinking of Lavi at all. If he's upset that they're still separated or if he's grimly accepted that distance.
Now the only distance remaining is the slim space between them on the bed, and Lavi shifts closer as if to make up for it. He doesn't reach out to touch Kanda, as tempted as he is. He just moves a little closer, so that the line of their bodies are pressed next to each other, marveling again at being able to touch and feel heat instead of a chill.
I missed this.
The touching, the tangibility. The quiet moment of shared intimacy, and the space for vulnerability... and the chance to just let go. To shed some of the weight accumulated from this past week -- months, to stop trying to shoulder everything on his own. It's not so much that he thinks Kanda will pick up those burdens for him -- but that he knows that the other won't judge him for wanting to let them go.
He thinks of falling and curls closer as if to ward off the sensation, distracting himself by looking at Kanda instead. At his newly formed ear, the strands of his now silky and smooth hair, the cord pulling it all up from his face. At how his chest rises and and falls with every breath -- that's important, very important. If only he could burn this image of Kanda over all the rest, but memories never work that way. But maybe he could still try?]
Yuu.
[he says the name half because he wants to, and half because he wants Kanda to look at him directly,]
[YOU SAY GAY AND THEN WRITE THIS GAY-ASS TAG HELLO
Once he's lying down, Kanda closes his eyes, intending to meditate instead of sleeping. It's the best of both worlds, he reasons; this way, he can rest his mind without sacrificing any alertness. Even if he can't sink into a full meditative trance, it won't matter, since this wasn't planned anyway.
Normally, he doesn't like to do this with other people around. Lavi has always been a complicated sort of exception. There are times when he's absorbed in his books, or his records, or even just his moodier thoughts, when he's quiet and still and Kanda's awareness flows around him, like a stream parting around a steady rock. Other times, he is impossible to ignore. On purpose, yes, when Lavi's in the mood for mischief--but even when he's quiet, there are days where his presence is simply impossible to ignore.
(Kanda has never told him this, and has no intention of ever doing so. Lavi doesn't need more turmoil over the space he takes up in the world.)
This, right now, is somewhere between the two. Even with his eyes closed, Kanda finds himself very much aware of Lavi beside him--he feels Lavi shift and turn, and he senses the way Lavi's gaze lingers on him. Kanda can't pretend he's not there even before he moves close enough to touch. But this time, it's comforting, not distracting. It's a reminder that their efforts worked, that they are both alive and whole for now--that one way or another, this nightmare is almost over. No more monsters that they don't know how to handle. No more torturous trips rife with faces from their memories. Finally, finally, no more distance.
They might meet their end tomorrow, but at least they'll be able to face it together.
Lavi thinks I missed this, and Kanda's thoughts don't respond--but they don't have to. This closeness is proof enough that he did, too.
He's still until Lavi says his name; at the sound of it, he opens his eyes again, turning his head to meet Lavi's gaze. Whether he knew Lavi wanted that, or simply wanted the same thing--his thoughts don't betray that either.
Lavi waits patiently, but it turns out he doesn't have to wait at all, because Kanda is already looking back at him. Kanda is looking at him with his usual serious, dark-eyed gaze, and it turns out hearts can flutter and jump and do all those things the books say they can just by meeting someone's eyes? Woah.
If asked, Lavi would say he's many things, but he's not a romantic. He can pretend to be a romantic, yes, and he can see the romance in other people's lives, but he's never been very interested in the subject. Curious, yes -- because what is Lavi not curious about -- but it's never possessed him the way love is supposed to, apparently. It was never a great sacrifice to be made, a wondrous thing to give up. And now?
Kanda tells him to 'go to sleep', and maybe the great poets forgot to mention how insane love can be, because this simple sentence makes his cheeks flush and his chest thump and his stomach twist itself into a braid. Is this love or a stomachache? Lavi can only wonder, and then immediately pray that his thought goes unheard. He's not a romantic, but he doesn't want to be the complete opposite either. (He can be detached. He can be logical. Rational. But he doesn't want to be those things right now.)
What he should want is to sleep, so Lavi shuts his eye and tries to surrender himself to the darkness and quiet, tries not to think too much about how Kanda is right here next to him, and how apparently he doesn't hate Lavi as much as anyone should hate him. Or worse, think of him with the indifference that Lavi used to crave.
His thoughts tumble along, but eventually -- eventually -- they slow down at the same time Lavi's breathing does, emotions ebbing away as the tide of sleep claims him.]
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But even though Kanda guards his space so viciously, and for all that he's shown zero interest in anyone until now, it's not because he has a blanket aversion to touch. Like an imperious cat, he decides who is allowed near him, and what they're permitted to do, and for precisely how long. Even Lavi, who gleefully toes the line so often, gets away with warning swipes; if Kanda had ever truly wanted him to stop for good, Lavi would have known it.
The same holds true now--Kanda is very sure that Lavi knows Kanda will end this when he wants to, that every passing moment is a conscious choice to keep kissing Lavi and bask in his affection. Lavi's desire spills through, a lesson in its own right for a man like Kanda. And maybe Kanda should be flattered that Lavi's want is unwaveringly strong even in the face of Kanda's inexperience, but he has no idea he should care about that... besides, Lavi knew what he was getting into. He gets no mercy points!!
But he can at least have Kanda's lips parting to let him in, even if it's mostly out of reflex. And he can have Kanda's fingers curling lightly into his shirt as Kanda relaxes just a little, coaxed into letting go of some of his ever-present tension. Lavi may be teasing and testing the waters with every hint of teeth and tongue, but he's also giving Kanda unspoken direction to do the same to him, and Kanda has no reason not to follow his lead. AT LEAST HE KNOWS NOT TO BITE TOO HARD he's not feral... mostly... but all bets are off once he gets used to this, so Lavi had better make sure he doesn't lose that scarf.
Unfortunately for Lavi, Kanda is not so easily swept up yet--not after a long day of god-killing, and especially not so soon after they'd decided to try... whatever this is. Kanda doesn't know the word for it. So while he's fine with making out for a little while, eventually he reaches up to grab Lavi's face and jerk him backward. SMUSHES HIS CHEEKS RUDELY]
Don't get ahead of yourself, Stupid Rabbit.
[CALM THY HORNY SELF]
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Lavi looks back at him with his face in Kanda's loving grip, the hazy look in his eye fading away with every confused blink. The advantage(?) of emotion share is that Kanda can feel Lavi's horniness recede in real time... DOES IT DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY? NO.... but it does go down at a more manageable level -- giving precedence to his other emotions, which is just his bass boosted AFFECTION AND FONDNESS. Those aren't going away, unfortunately...
He curls his hand around Kanda's wrist to tug it down just a little,]
Sorry. [HE'S NOT SORRY AT ALL!!!!!
some of his stupidly mischievous energy fades, and he tilts his head to rest his face against Kanda's hand instead,]
...And thanks.
[for hearing him out, for staying with him, for surviving, for being here, for maybe every unsaid thing still beating away within his heart]
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He lets Lavi lean into his hand for a minute, simply sitting with how it feels to be able to touch him again. Kanda certainly isn't going to become clingy overnight--but they've been apart for so long, and they have no guarantee that they'll make it past tomorrow. This isn't the same as their separate missions, no matter how much Kanda has claimed otherwise.
Like before, his own feelings of affection and contentment are more mellow than Lavi's--but they're undeniably there, and he doesn't try to pretend otherwise. Surely he will take this moment to say something sweet and caring...]
Whatever. [KANDA.] Didn't you say you wanted to go somewhere?
[LISTEN... he'll get there eventually.]
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I did? [DID HE????? so much for that bookman memory....
....he continues to sit with Kanda while holding his hand.]
We can go later.
[THEY CAN HANG OUT WITH THE JJKS LATER.........]
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Sits here trying to decide if he wants to stay or not]
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Let's take a quick nap...
[they really just did endgame for 9 hours straight my god. what he really wants to do is SLEEP but apparently everyone is GOING HOME TOMORROW so now he has to nap really quickly and then see everyone off for one last time.... but nap first.... nap? nap?? nap??]
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He nudges Lavi off of him and gets to his feet, and though he lets go of Lavi's hand, he doesn't pull away.]
Come on.
[He might as well let Lavi take advantage of quiet and security for the few hours they've got it. They can go to his apartment, which just looks like his room at the Order, broken window and lotus in the corner and all. The only difference is the screen that reflects the living side. It is perhaps very mean of him to make Lavi sleep with him literally right after forcing him to calm down but Kanda would not care about that even if he knew,,,]
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He tugs off his scarf and coat and boots and whatever the fck those leg warmers he's wearing are and then sits on the edge of Kanda's bed, eye flicking to the only objecet in this room that's not from the Order.]
So that's how you've been watching us.
[DOES EVERYONE GET A TV IN THEIR ROOM OR DID KANDA SPECIFICALLY REQUEST ONE]
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Mm. There are screens all over.
[HE DIDN'T REQUEST IT the rooms reflect the residents and sensed his desire to watch the living... luckily the Order has flatscreen technology so his manifested with a screen, but he would've just taken one from Costco for himself even if it hadn't. Not that he would ever admit that.]
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[so he did request it..... Lavi internally debates taking off his pants for like half a second, but maybe he is very aware of how they're finally alone in a place that has a LOCK on it and decides that maybe he should just keep them on.......... it's fine IT'S FINE he can fall asleep in his uniform he's done it 5000 times before,
ANYWAY!!! he scoots over and pats the space on the bed next to him,]
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[HE DID NOT!!!
The way there's nowhere else to sit in here so Kanda would have to be on the bed even if he didn't want to. Fortunately he does... he will sit on the bed and stretch his legs out, leaning back against the wall.]
How much time do you want? [So he knows when to wake Lavi up]
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Lavi takes this as his cue to also get comfy, lying down and stretching out to his ridiculous height. He feels the exhaustion hit the moment he's horizontal. Good thing horny isn't happening tonight what if Lavi just FELL ASLEEP DURING IT....]
Just half an hour... [mumbling, but also he blinks up at Kanda] You're not gonna sleep?
[:( THEIR NAP TIME.... TOGETHER]
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Blinks down at him. Is that what he wanted?]
We're not that safe yet. [Well. No. Technically they are the most safe they have ever been because there are no enemies here that only exorcists can deal with... but he got used to sleeping in shifts so that didn't occur to him until just now]
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Lavi props himself up on his elbows, still looking up at Kanda. He understands his caution of course, but also? consider that it's endgame?]
We are. [FIRMLY] We're the safest we've been since we got here.
[HE DIDN'T RUN THROUGH THAT RITUAL FOR NOTHING!!! he tugs off his headband, letting his swoopy hair flop into his eyes]
Just lie down.
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He's quiet for a minute, reluctant with paranoia--but the combination of effects, exhaustion, and his own desire to be close wins out. He sighs, but he scoots down until he's lying down beside Lavi. Whether he'll actually doze off or not is up in the air, but at least he gave in.]
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Lavi lies back down at the same time, shifting so that he's on his side and facing Kanda. Both his expression and emotions are pleased, touched that Kanda is once again going along with what Lavi wants. It makes him want to stay awake just to soak up this moment, being with Kanda again after all those weeks of separation. He doesn't have to wonder about what Kanda is doing or thinking, or whether he's thinking of Lavi at all. If he's upset that they're still separated or if he's grimly accepted that distance.
Now the only distance remaining is the slim space between them on the bed, and Lavi shifts closer as if to make up for it. He doesn't reach out to touch Kanda, as tempted as he is. He just moves a little closer, so that the line of their bodies are pressed next to each other, marveling again at being able to touch and feel heat instead of a chill.
I missed this.
The touching, the tangibility. The quiet moment of shared intimacy, and the space for vulnerability... and the chance to just let go. To shed some of the weight accumulated from this past week -- months, to stop trying to shoulder everything on his own. It's not so much that he thinks Kanda will pick up those burdens for him -- but that he knows that the other won't judge him for wanting to let them go.
He thinks of falling and curls closer as if to ward off the sensation, distracting himself by looking at Kanda instead. At his newly formed ear, the strands of his now silky and smooth hair, the cord pulling it all up from his face. At how his chest rises and and falls with every breath -- that's important, very important. If only he could burn this image of Kanda over all the rest, but memories never work that way. But maybe he could still try?]
Yuu.
[he says the name half because he wants to, and half because he wants Kanda to look at him directly,]
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Once he's lying down, Kanda closes his eyes, intending to meditate instead of sleeping. It's the best of both worlds, he reasons; this way, he can rest his mind without sacrificing any alertness. Even if he can't sink into a full meditative trance, it won't matter, since this wasn't planned anyway.
Normally, he doesn't like to do this with other people around. Lavi has always been a complicated sort of exception. There are times when he's absorbed in his books, or his records, or even just his moodier thoughts, when he's quiet and still and Kanda's awareness flows around him, like a stream parting around a steady rock. Other times, he is impossible to ignore. On purpose, yes, when Lavi's in the mood for mischief--but even when he's quiet, there are days where his presence is simply impossible to ignore.
(Kanda has never told him this, and has no intention of ever doing so. Lavi doesn't need more turmoil over the space he takes up in the world.)
This, right now, is somewhere between the two. Even with his eyes closed, Kanda finds himself very much aware of Lavi beside him--he feels Lavi shift and turn, and he senses the way Lavi's gaze lingers on him. Kanda can't pretend he's not there even before he moves close enough to touch. But this time, it's comforting, not distracting. It's a reminder that their efforts worked, that they are both alive and whole for now--that one way or another, this nightmare is almost over. No more monsters that they don't know how to handle. No more torturous trips rife with faces from their memories. Finally, finally, no more distance.
They might meet their end tomorrow, but at least they'll be able to face it together.
Lavi thinks I missed this, and Kanda's thoughts don't respond--but they don't have to. This closeness is proof enough that he did, too.
He's still until Lavi says his name; at the sound of it, he opens his eyes again, turning his head to meet Lavi's gaze. Whether he knew Lavi wanted that, or simply wanted the same thing--his thoughts don't betray that either.
Quietly:]
Go to sleep.
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Lavi waits patiently, but it turns out he doesn't have to wait at all, because Kanda is already looking back at him. Kanda is looking at him with his usual serious, dark-eyed gaze, and it turns out hearts can flutter and jump and do all those things the books say they can just by meeting someone's eyes? Woah.
If asked, Lavi would say he's many things, but he's not a romantic. He can pretend to be a romantic, yes, and he can see the romance in other people's lives, but he's never been very interested in the subject. Curious, yes -- because what is Lavi not curious about -- but it's never possessed him the way love is supposed to, apparently. It was never a great sacrifice to be made, a wondrous thing to give up. And now?
Kanda tells him to 'go to sleep', and maybe the great poets forgot to mention how insane love can be, because this simple sentence makes his cheeks flush and his chest thump and his stomach twist itself into a braid. Is this love or a stomachache? Lavi can only wonder, and then immediately pray that his thought goes unheard. He's not a romantic, but he doesn't want to be the complete opposite either. (He can be detached. He can be logical. Rational. But he doesn't want to be those things right now.)
What he should want is to sleep, so Lavi shuts his eye and tries to surrender himself to the darkness and quiet, tries not to think too much about how Kanda is right here next to him, and how apparently he doesn't hate Lavi as much as anyone should hate him. Or worse, think of him with the indifference that Lavi used to crave.
His thoughts tumble along, but eventually -- eventually -- they slow down at the same time Lavi's breathing does, emotions ebbing away as the tide of sleep claims him.]