It's not "working" if more people get killed in the night.
[He's still mad about that DON'T FORCE HIM TO STAY ASLEEP FUCKERS
But, also:]
You'll know if it's me. So it's fine.
[Lavi knows exactly what it looks like when he fights with Mugen, and he knows that Kanda would want him to take him out without hesitation or mercy. That's enough, as far as he's concerned.]
[at that, the careful, perfected neutrality of his expression breaks, giving way to irritation instead, which is silly because he should have expected this from Kanda, and why would be annoyed if he predicted this -- doesn't that make it all easier in the end? Isn't Kanda being his usual self something he'd even wanted?
His fingers start curling to form fists, but he aborts the movement halfway. pressing the flat against his knees instead.]
It's not fine.
[putting aside the undeniable fact that Lavi would know (NO HE WOULDN'T), and also trying to ignore how just imagining this scenario playing out is making him MADDER --]
I'm not talking about what will happen if it is you or me. I'm talking about what might happen if your hand or footprint or hair matches the culprit, and there's ten minutes left and people need to pick between you or whoever else, and pick you.
[It's not the first time he's seen Lavi angry, and--maybe this isn't that surprising after all. They're up against losing odds all the time, but it's never been anything like this. They've never been quite this powerless from all sides, out of their element and penned in. If he's unhappy with their circumstances, then of course Lavi would be stressed out of his mind, especially when he's probably still off-kilter from learning how long he was missing.
(And Lavi isn't tired like he is, after all. Kanda chose life--both times, actually--and he has things to do. Debts to rep--no. T̷h̸e̷ ̶O̸r̶d̷e̸r̶ ̴t̷o̶ ̴s̷e̷r̷v̸e̵.̷ But even then, he's lived so long. It's hard to think of death as anything but unattainable peace.)
And beyond that--when was the last time Lavi had to fight on his own? Has he ever? Kanda can't remember. But he does know that Lavi doesn't do well without people to anchor himself to.
He looks at him for a minute, unreadable.]
Do you think I'd die in there?
[If he got voted for, and was dragged past the veil--does he think there's a chance Kanda wouldn't be the one to come back out?]
[well, that's not a fair question to ask? because people die. exorcists more so. nothing is guaranteed, life has a way of bottoming out whenever you take a single moment to relax, sometimes you go to bed and get up the next day to find out that several Exorcists and hundreds of Finders are dead. sometimes you get home from a mission with a boy you think you could call a friend, only to have to kill him the next day because he was foolish enough to trust in their greatest enemy.
...But is Kanda the same as the rest? He's seen him walk away from worse, take lethal blows during missions and literally get up without a scratch (he should have died so many times over by now). he's the only one among them who's killed a Noah. he's the second person to become a crystal-type. he's... Yuu.
but that was before. what does he know now? four months, allen is gone, the american branch was destroyed, johnny of all people left the science division. common sense means he should say 'yes. i think you could die because everyone dies and just because you don't doesn't mean the Innocence won't keep on using you until you do. you are the same as everyone else, the same, completely and undoubtedly the same'
instead, he looks away. because he doesn't want to say that at all. even though it's never bothered Lavi before (much). and it shouldn't bother him now (at all). he knows that.]
I think it'd be a pain in the ass to see you get dragged in for shit you didn't do, just because a bunch of people got annoyed with you.
[Kanda holds his gaze until Lavi looks away; when he does, he averts his gaze too, back to the barrier. Who's visiting Boothill... I ALMOST WROTE CLOUD I GOT MY SHIPS MIXED UP]
Then tell them ahead of time to leave me alone unless there's a damn good reason.
[It's not suspicious if they know walking in that he won't cooperate! It makes sense! Depending on how obnoxious the whole ordeal is, he might even be reasonable on occasion. Maybe.]
Lavi thinks deeply about kicking Kanda, the spirit of Lenalee has possessed him -- it's definitely her and Allen's influence that's got him all wrought, and definitely not because of himself or his feelings... why would that MATTER!!!!! maybe if he were either of them, then he'd have better success with Kanda. as it is, he is just himself, unfortunately.]
Fine.
[he knows "damn good reason" is a bigger bone than Kanda would throw in any situation, so he should accept this. oh god. he's getting a headache.]
Just don't threaten anyone at sword point. I can handle the rest.
[Would he have more success or would it just be easier for him to beat Kanda up and drag him around
Kanda isn't smart, but it's not like he can't tell Lavi's displeased. And, well--people are constantly displeased with his attitude, that's the whole argument Lavi's making right now? It's not enough to make him go back on his principles, but it is enough to make his gaze slide back to Lavi, assessing.
He thinks of the words getting attached stamped across Lavi's neck, and wonders, not for the first time, what things would be like if it was all different.]
I won't hesitate if someone changes. [Ritual be damned. If he sees an active threat, he isn't going to sit back and wait for them to kill again. Especially not if he's right there, perfectly within range to stop it. ...But that's his only addendum, which is the closest thing to acquiescence he can provide.
It would be easier, maybe, if it was only Lavi asking things of him--someone he already trusts, someone who pushes his luck far too much, but who knows him as well as Kanda permits for almost anyone. Lavi isn't Marie, who stood by him as Kanda clawed his way back to solid ground after Alma; he isn't Lenalee, who remembers so little of the life she was dragged away from; he isn't even Allen, who Kanda has always understood better than he'd ever cared to admit.
And that's good, really. It means Lavi is close enough to trust the way he does his unit, but distant enough to escape Kanda's grudge against the Order. He wasn't there in those early, unstable years, but he's stuck around long enough--lived long enough--that it would be strange to lose him. And it means that Kanda learned to recognize the significance of Lavi letting his guard drop, long enough ago that he knows for sure he prefers it. He can't reciprocate, not when he's unapologetically himself at all times, but whatever it is that prompts Lavi to choose him for these moments isn't so great a cost. It's a space in Kanda's life that no one else occupies, even amongst those Kanda shares his time with.
But in the end, it's not just Lavi. So this is the most he's willing to bend, at least for now.]
[at this point, Lavi hasn't talked about the ritual with their Horsemen buddies -- and they both haven't seen how it all will pan out later, how it'll leave a bitter taste in Lavi's mouth and prompt him to pull up his usual persona (with a few tweaks, sympathetic and kind this time, with only the slightest emphasis on grieving. 'it's for the best, let's move on').
for now, he only has the past nine hours and tonight. of boothill who clearly isn't him the same way an Akuma wearing the skin of their beloved isn't. so he can't fault for Kanda's demand now. This is what they (we) do. Destroy (protect).
The problem is how everyone else will react. Because they will, maybe fast enough so that Kanda won't have to intervene, so that whoever's blood is next ends up on someone else's hands, so that neither Kanda or Lavi can reap those consequences. He's cold enough to prefer this,]
We were all caught off-guard. [it'll be different next time (WILL IT?)] Hopefully, no one will hesitate next time.
[or maybe they should stagger those nine hours and wait precisely 5 minutes before they corner the next person, so that the veil comes up and it becomes someone else's problem (or theirs in a way that everyone will have no choice but to accept).]
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[He's still mad about that DON'T FORCE HIM TO STAY ASLEEP FUCKERS
But, also:]
You'll know if it's me. So it's fine.
[Lavi knows exactly what it looks like when he fights with Mugen, and he knows that Kanda would want him to take him out without hesitation or mercy. That's enough, as far as he's concerned.]
no subject
His fingers start curling to form fists, but he aborts the movement halfway. pressing the flat against his knees instead.]
It's not fine.
[putting aside the undeniable fact that Lavi would know (NO HE WOULDN'T), and also trying to ignore how just imagining this scenario playing out is making him MADDER --]
I'm not talking about what will happen if it is you or me. I'm talking about what might happen if your hand or footprint or hair matches the culprit, and there's ten minutes left and people need to pick between you or whoever else, and pick you.
no subject
(And Lavi isn't tired like he is, after all. Kanda chose life--both times, actually--and he has things to do. Debts to rep--no. T̷h̸e̷ ̶O̸r̶d̷e̸r̶ ̴t̷o̶ ̴s̷e̷r̷v̸e̵.̷ But even then, he's lived so long. It's hard to think of death as anything but unattainable peace.)
And beyond that--when was the last time Lavi had to fight on his own? Has he ever? Kanda can't remember. But he does know that Lavi doesn't do well without people to anchor himself to.
He looks at him for a minute, unreadable.]
Do you think I'd die in there?
[If he got voted for, and was dragged past the veil--does he think there's a chance Kanda wouldn't be the one to come back out?]
no subject
...But is Kanda the same as the rest? He's seen him walk away from worse, take lethal blows during missions and literally get up without a scratch (he should have died so many times over by now). he's the only one among them who's killed a Noah. he's the second person to become a crystal-type. he's... Yuu.
but that was before. what does he know now? four months, allen is gone, the american branch was destroyed, johnny of all people left the science division. common sense means he should say 'yes. i think you could die because everyone dies and just because you don't doesn't mean the Innocence won't keep on using you until you do. you are the same as everyone else, the same, completely and undoubtedly the same'
instead, he looks away. because he doesn't want to say that at all. even though it's never bothered Lavi before (much). and it shouldn't bother him now (at all). he knows that.]
I think it'd be a pain in the ass to see you get dragged in for shit you didn't do, just because a bunch of people got annoyed with you.
no subject
Then tell them ahead of time to leave me alone unless there's a damn good reason.
[It's not suspicious if they know walking in that he won't cooperate! It makes sense! Depending on how obnoxious the whole ordeal is, he might even be reasonable on occasion. Maybe.]
no subject
Lavi thinks deeply about kicking Kanda, the spirit of Lenalee has possessed him -- it's definitely her and Allen's influence that's got him all wrought, and definitely not because of himself or his feelings... why would that MATTER!!!!! maybe if he were either of them, then he'd have better success with Kanda. as it is, he is just himself, unfortunately.]
Fine.
[he knows "damn good reason" is a bigger bone than Kanda would throw in any situation, so he should accept this. oh god. he's getting a headache.]
Just don't threaten anyone at sword point. I can handle the rest.
[will he................?]
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Kanda isn't smart, but it's not like he can't tell Lavi's displeased. And, well--people are constantly displeased with his attitude, that's the whole argument Lavi's making right now? It's not enough to make him go back on his principles, but it is enough to make his gaze slide back to Lavi, assessing.
He thinks of the words getting attached stamped across Lavi's neck, and wonders, not for the first time, what things would be like if it was all different.]
I won't hesitate if someone changes. [Ritual be damned. If he sees an active threat, he isn't going to sit back and wait for them to kill again. Especially not if he's right there, perfectly within range to stop it. ...But that's his only addendum, which is the closest thing to acquiescence he can provide.
It would be easier, maybe, if it was only Lavi asking things of him--someone he already trusts, someone who pushes his luck far too much, but who knows him as well as Kanda permits for almost anyone. Lavi isn't Marie, who stood by him as Kanda clawed his way back to solid ground after Alma; he isn't Lenalee, who remembers so little of the life she was dragged away from; he isn't even Allen, who Kanda has always understood better than he'd ever cared to admit.
And that's good, really. It means Lavi is close enough to trust the way he does his unit, but distant enough to escape Kanda's grudge against the Order. He wasn't there in those early, unstable years, but he's stuck around long enough--lived long enough--that it would be strange to lose him. And it means that Kanda learned to recognize the significance of Lavi letting his guard drop, long enough ago that he knows for sure he prefers it. He can't reciprocate, not when he's unapologetically himself at all times, but whatever it is that prompts Lavi to choose him for these moments isn't so great a cost. It's a space in Kanda's life that no one else occupies, even amongst those Kanda shares his time with.
But in the end, it's not just Lavi. So this is the most he's willing to bend, at least for now.]
no subject
for now, he only has the past nine hours and tonight. of boothill who clearly isn't him the same way an Akuma wearing the skin of their beloved isn't. so he can't fault for Kanda's demand now. This is what they (we) do. Destroy (protect).
The problem is how everyone else will react. Because they will, maybe fast enough so that Kanda won't have to intervene, so that whoever's blood is next ends up on someone else's hands, so that neither Kanda or Lavi can reap those consequences. He's cold enough to prefer this,]
We were all caught off-guard. [it'll be different next time (WILL IT?)] Hopefully, no one will hesitate next time.
[or maybe they should stagger those nine hours and wait precisely 5 minutes before they corner the next person, so that the veil comes up and it becomes someone else's problem (or theirs in a way that everyone will have no choice but to accept).]