The last one I went on... It just felt like I was going through someone else's experience. So any time it felt personal, I knew it was just coincidence.
[and also me being evil and flurry giving me what i want. lavi's voice, usually matter-of-fact, curls into itself. it's like he's feeling twice the emotional weight than usual, wow.]
This one knew everything about me. My past -- everything I've ever felt and known. It knew my comrades back when I was alive. Gramps... [...] Like someone peeled back my heart and was looking straight in.
Childe's quiet as he listens--and for a little while after Lavi finishes talking, too, a thoughtful distance in his lightless eyes. He's... not sure how he feels about that either, honestly. It's an odd middle ground; he doesn't particularly want anyone rooting around in his head and his past, but he's not so sadistic that he's glad Lavi had to deal with personal trauma, either. He sighs...
.......And then takes the opportunity to very suddenly and abruptly set Lavi's broken arm. Ow.]
Sorry. [He doesn't sound all that sorry, mostly because he thinks pain is an effective distraction. But he adds--] It hurts less when you're not expecting it.
[He holds Lavi's arm in one hand, then, reaching up to unfasten his scarf with the other; it'll work as a temporary sling until they can pop into a store and get a proper one.]
You don't have to tell me any more if you don't want to. I won't pry. [It's his world, his... memories, in a way, and beyond that, Childe simply prefers to know as much as he can about most things. But he isn't going to force Lavi to relive whatever he went through just to sate his own curiosity--not when it was enough to put that fear on his face and this misery in his voice.]
[Lavi bites down so that his shout doesn't escape, gritting his teeth instead as the pain blossoms -- and then immediately dulls. it takes him a few seconds to collect himself, voice shaky as he attempts some of his old levity, ]
Still hurts though.
[but the pain's starting to ebb away, at least. he goes quiet again, staring at Childe's bright red scarf on his arm.]
It can't possibly be worse than what Scaramouche does to you all the time. [Meeting his attempt at levity with his own--he gets it. At least he's good at this, efficient; it's clearly not the first time he's done something similar.
It's not the best sling, of course, but it'll do for the time being. It's also touch week, so after that's done, he ruffles Lavi's hair a little before he pulls back.]
[the way this hair ruffle makes lavi so sad, he is truly just that sad milkbilk.gif. he doesn't shy away from it though, he leans in a little on instinct... touch week....
it makes him too sad to reply with a 'he'd just kill me instead and then say he did me a favor that binch'. instead, he's quiet again, then]
[STOP NOOOO DON'T LOOK SO SAD he doesn't know what to do with this WHY ARE ALL HIS REDHEAD SIBLINGS SO SAD AT HIM THESE DAYS AAAAA
Well he already pulled his hand back but if he looks like a sopping wet kitten then Childe will shift a little so that Lavi can lean on him, if he wants to.
But easily, immediately:] Family. They come before everything.
[Even duty, even the self. Though after a moment, he continues--] I serve Her Majesty because I believe in her cause, and because serving her allows me to do what's best for myself. I'm devoted to her, but it's a choice I make every day. I'd always thought I'd die in her service, and that was alright to me... but things would've been different, if she'd ever asked something of me that I wouldn't give.
[There's more to it than that, of course. There's the fact that he can never be the person his family wants him to be--that he wonders, sometimes, if there was ever any chance he could've been. That there's an itch under his skin that can never be sated so long as he's still and quiet, and that he would never want his most beloved people to follow in his path. But he wouldn't even begin to know how to say any of those things, even if he wanted to. Even if right now was about him at all, and not whatever's clearly on Lavi's mind.]
[JUST TWO SAD SKRUNKLY KITTENS CRYING AT CHILDE WHILE IN THE RAIN,
lavi WILL lean on him, thanks. he is buoyed by the need to Touch. but he's a little tentative about it, like he's not sure this is what he deserves, as he listens to Childe answer.
...He's not sure what he expected. Childe to say 'duty'? To say that he loves family, but it's not the most important thing in the world to him? For him to somehow validate Lavi's choices? For him to live his life tortured with every step he takes?]
...Must be nice.
[there's a thread of longing in his voice. he feels more vulnerable than he's ever been since he died. is nineteen too soon to have a mide-life crisis....]
[He is truly so unused to this with people who aren't like. Kids or young Fatui recruits, to whom things like "suck it up buttercup" and "yeah you definitely did a good job murdering that guy" are genuinely reassuring,,
But Lavi's words draw a laugh out of him, unintentional. Not a mean one--more like surprised, because that's not at all what he'd expected Lavi to say.]
Don't give me too much credit. I had a lot of help. [Because he can't say I don't. That's something he won't admit even to himself.] But... well, you saw Teucer. I don't want him to become like me, so... [He shrugs with the shoulder Lavi isn't leaning on.] I do what I can to protect his dreams until they shatter.
[Which... probably would have been his fault, if he'd lived long enough. Maybe it's a good thing he died overseas; there are so few things he fears these days, but seeing fear and horror in Teucer's eyes was always one of the biggest.]
Lavi thinks of Teucer -- of the version he got to see, perhaps not a true version at all? Maybe one just manipulated by hell for whatever reasons, but... he remembers the expression on the young boy's face, the hope he placed in his older brother the toy seller, the disappointment at not getting to spend every second with him.
He meant what he said to Childe about his family, that he doesn't have any siblings. No one who looks up to him in that way. But he understands expectations, and he understands them more when they come from someone you love. Mostly, he understands it from Teucer's side. Having someone you look up to, who's your entire world.]
He does seem to like toys a lot. Dunno if your real career can compare.
[joking at first, then he's quiet]
...My Gramps kept secrets from me, secrets I didn't even know he had until I died for them. [...] I'm angry that he never said anything, and I think I'll always be angry.
...But I understand why. He was trying to protect me, like he's been taking care of me my whole life.
[so maybe if childe wasn't here and was still living in that world Lavi got to see so very briefly, then he'd have reached an understanding with Teucer. (looks at childe's delusion and frowns)]
The joke does its job--Childe smiles briefly, though it fades again as Lavi talks.
I think I'll always be angry, Lavi says. It's not something Childe can relate to himself--he simply isn't that sort of person. It's not that he's incapable of the rage that Lavi and Scaramouche seem to feel, it's just... there is so little that draws it out in him. But then again, if he thinks of the last time he'd been truly angry--wasn't that rooted in hurt? In betrayal, over being lied to?
(Yes, but it was more complicated than that--but Lavi doesn't need to hear about Childe's bad decisions right now.)
I think you've earned the right to be a little self-centered, he'd told Lavi weeks ago. He still feels that way now.
He tips his head back, looking up at the slowly darkening sky.]
I think it's fine to be angry. I don't know him, but if it were me, I'd expect you to be. [He does--well. Did expect it. Isn't sure if he's grateful or not, that he died away from home before Teucer learned the truth.] A well-intentioned lie is still a lie. Even if you understand it, you don't have to be grateful. Especially if you died for it--you had the right to know. [...] It doesn't mean you don't still care about each other.
[He's too controlled to let any wistfulness slip into his voice--too resigned to the worst-case scenario, one he's run through a thousand times in his head since the first time he lied to Teucer. But maybe he's a little quieter; maybe there's a little more distance to his gaze.]
But if you know them now, then you can make your own choices, can't you? You can do what you want.
"When that time comes, what will you choose to do? And where is your final destination?"
Childe looks up, and Lavi looks down. At his hands, his good one -- and the one pale against the scarlet of Childe's scarf. He remembers his first scarf. It had been a pale white, knotted clumsily around his neck by an older man, who scowled and harrumphed and kept him close. He tugged on that scarf as often as Lavi had pulled on his hair.]
...I want to see him again.
[...How much of his anger is love? How much should it be?
He thinks that, if it was anyone else but Childe, they'd ask him why, or scorn him for that desire. And then Lavi would have to put his mask up, and say something like 'I want to see him again to learn the truth', when in reality he just wants to see him again... to see.
'Is that stupid of me to want'? He almost asks, but he keeps the question on his tongue instead.]
[Like it's simple. Easy. This, at least, Childe knows how to do: speak with confidence about impossibilities, as if achieving them is a matter of time and willpower, nothing more. Escape the abyss? He managed that, albeit with help. Complete the Liyue mission? He did, technically, accomplish that. Get out of hell, despite losing access to the party? He'll figure it out. This is just the same.
Lavi's right--Childe isn't going to ask him "why." Especially not when it seems obvious, to him, that they're family, which is more than reason enough as far as Childe's concerned.]
[The corners of Lavi's mouth quirk up at that. He wonders what it's like to look at something impossible and see opportunity instead -- something he attributed to foolish optimism or to divine beings like Zagreus and Uriel.
But Childe's only human, and here he is, saying the exact same thing. And the last word Lavi would use to describe Childe would be foolish.]
...I think I get why you got promoted so early.
[and why, while gregory sounded frightened of both childe and scaramouche, he hadn't written childe off in the same way.]
It wasn't really that hard, but I'll take the compliment.
[He's downplaying, a little--partly to lighten Lavi's mood, and partly because... well. He can't talk about how easy it was for him to climb the ranks without talking about why, and that's not something he wants to get into. Not ever, preferably, but especially not right now.
He nudges him slightly; not enough to dislodge him, just enough to get his attention.]
Should I go grab you a real sling now?
[It's an open door--if Lavi has anything else to tell him, anything to ask or request to make, he'll listen. But he won't push for more, at least not right now.]
[Lavi hears the intention behind the question, and something fond curls in him in response. imagine i jumpscared you and said it was gay feelings.
but no, it's the softness Lavi feels every time he looks at another human being -- that is, when they're not reminding him of the worst parts of humanity. that they can be kind as well as cruel, sometimes even when they don't have to be.]
I feel like I put you through enough trouble already.
[the pain is still there, but manageable. both the physical and the emotional, all thanks to childe.]
I'll drop by the hospital, you should get back to the trial. I need someone to tell me everything that I'll miss.
[All of Lavi's feelings are gay feelings imo. Even when they are het.
But even though Childe's a caretaker type--and is definitely capable of fussing when he needs to--he trusts Lavi in this. Or, at the very least, he trusts Lavi to spend some time alone and pull himself together. Childe won't begrudge him for wanting that. So he nods, getting to his feet.]
Alright. Don't take too long or Kon will probably come looking for you.
But Childe just nods again. He's pretty sure that he didn't do all that much, actually, but he's not going to sit here and argue with Lavi about it; Lavi feels better, which was the goal, so it doesn't matter.]
Sure.
[OFF HE WILL GO back in to watch trial... Lavi can give him back his scarf later]
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The last one I went on... It just felt like I was going through someone else's experience. So any time it felt personal, I knew it was just coincidence.
[and also me being evil and flurry giving me what i want. lavi's voice, usually matter-of-fact, curls into itself. it's like he's feeling twice the emotional weight than usual, wow.]
This one knew everything about me. My past -- everything I've ever felt and known. It knew my comrades back when I was alive. Gramps... [...] Like someone peeled back my heart and was looking straight in.
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Childe's quiet as he listens--and for a little while after Lavi finishes talking, too, a thoughtful distance in his lightless eyes. He's... not sure how he feels about that either, honestly. It's an odd middle ground; he doesn't particularly want anyone rooting around in his head and his past, but he's not so sadistic that he's glad Lavi had to deal with personal trauma, either. He sighs...
.......And then takes the opportunity to very suddenly and abruptly set Lavi's broken arm. Ow.]
Sorry. [He doesn't sound all that sorry, mostly because he thinks pain is an effective distraction. But he adds--] It hurts less when you're not expecting it.
[He holds Lavi's arm in one hand, then, reaching up to unfasten his scarf with the other; it'll work as a temporary sling until they can pop into a store and get a proper one.]
You don't have to tell me any more if you don't want to. I won't pry. [It's his world, his... memories, in a way, and beyond that, Childe simply prefers to know as much as he can about most things. But he isn't going to force Lavi to relive whatever he went through just to sate his own curiosity--not when it was enough to put that fear on his face and this misery in his voice.]
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[Lavi bites down so that his shout doesn't escape, gritting his teeth instead as the pain blossoms -- and then immediately dulls. it takes him a few seconds to collect himself, voice shaky as he attempts some of his old levity, ]
Still hurts though.
[but the pain's starting to ebb away, at least. he goes quiet again, staring at Childe's bright red scarf on his arm.]
...Can I ask you a question?
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It can't possibly be worse than what Scaramouche does to you all the time. [Meeting his attempt at levity with his own--he gets it. At least he's good at this, efficient; it's clearly not the first time he's done something similar.
It's not the best sling, of course, but it'll do for the time being. It's also touch week, so after that's done, he ruffles Lavi's hair a little before he pulls back.]
Sure, of course.
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it makes him too sad to reply with a 'he'd just kill me instead and then say he did me a favor that binch'. instead, he's quiet again, then]
...What's more important to you? Family or duty?
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Well he already pulled his hand back but if he looks like a sopping wet kitten then Childe will shift a little so that Lavi can lean on him, if he wants to.
But easily, immediately:] Family. They come before everything.
[Even duty, even the self. Though after a moment, he continues--] I serve Her Majesty because I believe in her cause, and because serving her allows me to do what's best for myself. I'm devoted to her, but it's a choice I make every day. I'd always thought I'd die in her service, and that was alright to me... but things would've been different, if she'd ever asked something of me that I wouldn't give.
[There's more to it than that, of course. There's the fact that he can never be the person his family wants him to be--that he wonders, sometimes, if there was ever any chance he could've been. That there's an itch under his skin that can never be sated so long as he's still and quiet, and that he would never want his most beloved people to follow in his path. But he wouldn't even begin to know how to say any of those things, even if he wanted to. Even if right now was about him at all, and not whatever's clearly on Lavi's mind.]
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lavi WILL lean on him, thanks. he is buoyed by the need to Touch. but he's a little tentative about it, like he's not sure this is what he deserves, as he listens to Childe answer.
...He's not sure what he expected. Childe to say 'duty'? To say that he loves family, but it's not the most important thing in the world to him? For him to somehow validate Lavi's choices? For him to live his life tortured with every step he takes?]
...Must be nice.
[there's a thread of longing in his voice. he feels more vulnerable than he's ever been since he died. is nineteen too soon to have a mide-life crisis....]
Knowing who you are.
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But Lavi's words draw a laugh out of him, unintentional. Not a mean one--more like surprised, because that's not at all what he'd expected Lavi to say.]
Don't give me too much credit. I had a lot of help. [Because he can't say I don't. That's something he won't admit even to himself.] But... well, you saw Teucer. I don't want him to become like me, so... [He shrugs with the shoulder Lavi isn't leaning on.] I do what I can to protect his dreams until they shatter.
[Which... probably would have been his fault, if he'd lived long enough. Maybe it's a good thing he died overseas; there are so few things he fears these days, but seeing fear and horror in Teucer's eyes was always one of the biggest.]
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Lavi thinks of Teucer -- of the version he got to see, perhaps not a true version at all? Maybe one just manipulated by hell for whatever reasons, but... he remembers the expression on the young boy's face, the hope he placed in his older brother the toy seller, the disappointment at not getting to spend every second with him.
He meant what he said to Childe about his family, that he doesn't have any siblings. No one who looks up to him in that way. But he understands expectations, and he understands them more when they come from someone you love. Mostly, he understands it from Teucer's side. Having someone you look up to, who's your entire world.]
He does seem to like toys a lot. Dunno if your real career can compare.
[joking at first, then he's quiet]
...My Gramps kept secrets from me, secrets I didn't even know he had until I died for them. [...] I'm angry that he never said anything, and I think I'll always be angry.
...But I understand why. He was trying to protect me, like he's been taking care of me my whole life.
[so maybe if childe wasn't here and was still living in that world Lavi got to see so very briefly, then he'd have reached an understanding with Teucer. (looks at childe's delusion and frowns)]
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The joke does its job--Childe smiles briefly, though it fades again as Lavi talks.
I think I'll always be angry, Lavi says. It's not something Childe can relate to himself--he simply isn't that sort of person. It's not that he's incapable of the rage that Lavi and Scaramouche seem to feel, it's just... there is so little that draws it out in him. But then again, if he thinks of the last time he'd been truly angry--wasn't that rooted in hurt? In betrayal, over being lied to?
(Yes, but it was more complicated than that--but Lavi doesn't need to hear about Childe's bad decisions right now.)
I think you've earned the right to be a little self-centered, he'd told Lavi weeks ago. He still feels that way now.
He tips his head back, looking up at the slowly darkening sky.]
I think it's fine to be angry. I don't know him, but if it were me, I'd expect you to be. [He does--well. Did expect it. Isn't sure if he's grateful or not, that he died away from home before Teucer learned the truth.] A well-intentioned lie is still a lie. Even if you understand it, you don't have to be grateful. Especially if you died for it--you had the right to know. [...] It doesn't mean you don't still care about each other.
[He's too controlled to let any wistfulness slip into his voice--too resigned to the worst-case scenario, one he's run through a thousand times in his head since the first time he lied to Teucer. But maybe he's a little quieter; maybe there's a little more distance to his gaze.]
But if you know them now, then you can make your own choices, can't you? You can do what you want.
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"When that time comes, what will you choose to do? And where is your final destination?"
Childe looks up, and Lavi looks down. At his hands, his good one -- and the one pale against the scarlet of Childe's scarf. He remembers his first scarf. It had been a pale white, knotted clumsily around his neck by an older man, who scowled and harrumphed and kept him close. He tugged on that scarf as often as Lavi had pulled on his hair.]
...I want to see him again.
[...How much of his anger is love? How much should it be?
He thinks that, if it was anyone else but Childe, they'd ask him why, or scorn him for that desire. And then Lavi would have to put his mask up, and say something like 'I want to see him again to learn the truth', when in reality he just wants to see him again... to see.
'Is that stupid of me to want'? He almost asks, but he keeps the question on his tongue instead.]
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[Like it's simple. Easy. This, at least, Childe knows how to do: speak with confidence about impossibilities, as if achieving them is a matter of time and willpower, nothing more. Escape the abyss? He managed that, albeit with help. Complete the Liyue mission? He did, technically, accomplish that. Get out of hell, despite losing access to the party? He'll figure it out. This is just the same.
Lavi's right--Childe isn't going to ask him "why." Especially not when it seems obvious, to him, that they're family, which is more than reason enough as far as Childe's concerned.]
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But Childe's only human, and here he is, saying the exact same thing. And the last word Lavi would use to describe Childe would be foolish.]
...I think I get why you got promoted so early.
[and why, while gregory sounded frightened of both childe and scaramouche, he hadn't written childe off in the same way.]
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[Childe.]
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-- I think that also takes a lot of dedication to do?
[IT'S NOT LIKE FLIPPING A COIN AND JUST KILLING SOMEONE, at least he doesn't think it is, maybe genshin world is different]
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[He's downplaying, a little--partly to lighten Lavi's mood, and partly because... well. He can't talk about how easy it was for him to climb the ranks without talking about why, and that's not something he wants to get into. Not ever, preferably, but especially not right now.
He nudges him slightly; not enough to dislodge him, just enough to get his attention.]
Should I go grab you a real sling now?
[It's an open door--if Lavi has anything else to tell him, anything to ask or request to make, he'll listen. But he won't push for more, at least not right now.]
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but no, it's the softness Lavi feels every time he looks at another human being -- that is, when they're not reminding him of the worst parts of humanity. that they can be kind as well as cruel, sometimes even when they don't have to be.]
I feel like I put you through enough trouble already.
[the pain is still there, but manageable. both the physical and the emotional, all thanks to childe.]
I'll drop by the hospital, you should get back to the trial. I need someone to tell me everything that I'll miss.
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But even though Childe's a caretaker type--and is definitely capable of fussing when he needs to--he trusts Lavi in this. Or, at the very least, he trusts Lavi to spend some time alone and pull himself together. Childe won't begrudge him for wanting that. So he nods, getting to his feet.]
Alright. Don't take too long or Kon will probably come looking for you.
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also stop not this reminder..... lavi will text kon later though like a good het(?)... thank you sweet childe, but just as he goes,]
Oh, and -- [...] Thanks.
[(,,>﹏<,,) shy]
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But Childe just nods again. He's pretty sure that he didn't do all that much, actually, but he's not going to sit here and argue with Lavi about it; Lavi feels better, which was the goal, so it doesn't matter.]
Sure.
[OFF HE WILL GO back in to watch trial... Lavi can give him back his scarf later]