Whatever. [The way a normal person would say "it's fine, it wasn't your fault and you were actually pretty cute" but here we are.
But--despite all the pushing away Kanda does, he pays attention. His life would be easier, in fact, if he truly hated or dismissed every single person, even the ones that persevere and stick around him anyway. And yet, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how genuine he is in his attempts at solitude, Kanda simply cannot stop himself from forming attachments. He is, unfortunately, too human for true isolation.
Between that, and the curiosity that he feels far more of than he shows, it's no wonder that his thoughts are leaking out. Why was he so sure Bookman left him...?]
[if kanda said that it was fine and that he was cute then lavi would get so scared which would be so funny
instead, he remains pressed close to Kanda's side, sharing this blanket while still holding Kanda's hand between his, determined to look anywhere but at Kanda -- except he hears his thoughts, which makes him look over -- it only takes a second for him to realize that it was a thought and not an actual question, but he's so surprised by it that he answers anyway?]
...When I was a kid, I got involved between a bunch of soldiers and civilians. Gramps said not to, but I did anyway -- and I got shot. Gramps got me out, but everyone else there died.
If I waited, then maybe we could have helped whoever survived. But instead I lost control. He was seriously pissed off then... First time I saw him get so mad.
[God I wish Kanda was cursed with a "be nice" curse instead of a "be happy curse" THAT WOULD'VE BEEN EVEN SCARIER
Likewise, he isn't expecting a response to his thoughts; he's still wondering if it's worth the effort to shove Lavi off of him, even though the longer they sit like this, the warmer and more comfortable he feels. It's partly the effect of the pyre, he knows, but it's enough to balance out his constant desire for space, at least for a little longer.
So the answer is a surprise, but what Lavi actually says... he thinks about Lavi saying I could be lying, you know, but--]
[He's not sure what to expect from Kanda -- maybe nothing at all, just his usual quiet silence as they both look into the pyre, shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand.]
I guess I do still keep making mistakes.
[the mopeyness is real when Lavi assumes that what Kanda means, damn]
[turns so that they're both lying on the ground this time, but Kanda's closer to the pyre. and then he pulls off his scarf to drape over Kanda's head. there, the ic reason why Kanda STOLE IT from Lavi]
[For a second I thought Lavi was holding him in his arms with the scarf over both their heads to hide them but I've realized Lavi just scarf'd him like when you put a blanket over a birdcage. Less romantic than initially envisioned
HOW TIGHTLY IS HE BEING HELD AT LEAST GET IT OFF HIS FACE SO HE CAN TALK AND BREATHE but yes he'll borrow this for a while thank you]
Tch. You kept thinking you could fight off strangers even though you didn't have any weapons. [Granted he knows Bookman and Lavi can fight hand-to-hand very well BUT STILL. U DUMB BABY CARROT
[STOP he's not holding him too tightly because he knows it'll trigger Kanda's rage response, and he moves to shift the blanket so that it's not on Kanda's face, but on the side of his head instead.... a little scarf tent,]
It's easy to fight an adult when they put you on their shoulders.
[all their soft fleshy bits are so close to shove a thumb in....]
Except you tucked me under your arm like I was a suitcase! I should have been scared, but for some reason I didn't mind it... I felt like I could trust you.
Meanwhile Kanda is contemplating murdering him for this but he's shivering too much to be able to whack him with Mugen effectively]
I should've dropped you.
[HE'S JUST BEING GROUCHY NOW
I wish he realized how insane and concerning it is for a baby to think these things but he obviously fucking doesn't. The only thing really lingering in his mind is Lavi's perception of Bookman, honestly--and maybe he'll bring it up again in a bit, but for now he's just suffering the indignity of being cocooned]
[A well-adjusted normal person would say something like, I wouldn't have let you get hurt, but. It's Kanda.
If he wasn't (checks notes) unbearably cold, he would've stopped tolerating this ages ago. But he's also sick of being uncomfortable even if it's temporary, so--he grumbles, and is stiff about it, but he doesn't shove him off just yet. He just reaches up to take his hairtie out, hoping that it'll help with the warmth.
...After a while:]
You thought he was going to abandon you.
[It's so rare for Kanda to make personal inquiries. With Lavi, he rarely even has to--Lavi volunteers so much on his own, the same way Lenalee does. But he has a feeling this isn't something Lavi would bring up on his own.
(And it's not his business--but he keeps thinking of the look on Lavi's face, the quiet certainty in his tone when he'd said I broke the rules.)]
[Lavi follows the movement of Kanda's hand, half-expecting Kanda to push him back for distance, surprised when instead he pulls the cord in his hair loose. his eyes track the way his hair fans out around him, how it doesn't fall as smoothly as it always does -- soap and would it feel rough now -- and yet, still look as elegant as ever.
he feels even warmer now, like that small gesture meant for Kanda has somehow affected Lavi -- even though he's too far away to even feel it. it distracts him so much that it takes a beat before he realizes what Kanda even said -- but he catches it in time, burying his hopefully not red face in the collar of his coat,]
...I thought he'd pick another apprentice. Someone better.
[But I can't escape it that easily.]
If you keep telling a kid that a job's more important than any one person, then they'll start to think that includes them too.
[If not for thoughtshare, he'd be oblivious to this little crisis--as it is, there's just a flash of annoyance on his face because DON'T TOUCH HIS HAIR HE'S PERMITTING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. He gazes up at the sky instead--dark now, or at least dreary enough that it doesn't remind him of terrible things. It means he can focus on what Lavi's saying, even though he's silent about it.
I didn't know he hated it that much.
Not that it matters, in the end. They aren't the sorts of people who get choices.
(...Then again--Kanda is, now. Isn't he? He's back at the Order, but... he chose that. He's free in his own way.
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Whatever. [The way a normal person would say "it's fine, it wasn't your fault and you were actually pretty cute" but here we are.
But--despite all the pushing away Kanda does, he pays attention. His life would be easier, in fact, if he truly hated or dismissed every single person, even the ones that persevere and stick around him anyway. And yet, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how genuine he is in his attempts at solitude, Kanda simply cannot stop himself from forming attachments. He is, unfortunately, too human for true isolation.
Between that, and the curiosity that he feels far more of than he shows, it's no wonder that his thoughts are leaking out. Why was he so sure Bookman left him...?]
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instead, he remains pressed close to Kanda's side, sharing this blanket while still holding Kanda's hand between his, determined to look anywhere but at Kanda -- except he hears his thoughts, which makes him look over -- it only takes a second for him to realize that it was a thought and not an actual question, but he's so surprised by it that he answers anyway?]
...When I was a kid, I got involved between a bunch of soldiers and civilians. Gramps said not to, but I did anyway -- and I got shot. Gramps got me out, but everyone else there died.
If I waited, then maybe we could have helped whoever survived. But instead I lost control. He was seriously pissed off then... First time I saw him get so mad.
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Likewise, he isn't expecting a response to his thoughts; he's still wondering if it's worth the effort to shove Lavi off of him, even though the longer they sit like this, the warmer and more comfortable he feels. It's partly the effect of the pyre, he knows, but it's enough to balance out his constant desire for space, at least for a little longer.
So the answer is a surprise, but what Lavi actually says... he thinks about Lavi saying I could be lying, you know, but--]
...Sounds like you.
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I guess I do still keep making mistakes.
[the mopeyness is real when Lavi assumes that what Kanda means, damn]
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Shut up.
[That's not what I meant, stupid.]
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[Huh?]
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[That I always get involved?]
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-- Ack!!
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Except Kanda's not :flushed: he just falls on Lavi like an idiot since he didn't think this through]
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except that's only after Lavi lets out another OOF when Kanda lands on him......]
You're super cold!
[HUGS HIM, UWAH]
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Stupid Rabbit--!!!
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I'm warming you up! It's the least I can do for ya, after you took care of me all day.
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[YOU COCOON KANDA?? YOU TRAP HIM LIKE FUSSY CAT??? OH!! OH!!! JAIL FOR LAVI!!! JAIL FOR LAVI FOR 1000 YEARS!!!!]
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[STOP SHOUTING YOU'LL FCK UP YOUR TB LUNGS]
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[turns so that they're both lying on the ground this time, but Kanda's closer to the pyre. and then he pulls off his scarf to drape over Kanda's head. there, the ic reason why Kanda STOLE IT from Lavi]
I really dragged you around the whole day.
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HOW TIGHTLY IS HE BEING HELD AT LEAST GET IT OFF HIS FACE SO HE CAN TALK AND BREATHE but yes he'll borrow this for a while thank you]
Tch. You kept thinking you could fight off strangers even though you didn't have any weapons. [Granted he knows Bookman and Lavi can fight hand-to-hand very well BUT STILL. U DUMB BABY CARROT
He was less annoying than Ball Head Brat.]
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It's easy to fight an adult when they put you on their shoulders.
[all their soft fleshy bits are so close to shove a thumb in....]
Except you tucked me under your arm like I was a suitcase! I should have been scared, but for some reason I didn't mind it... I felt like I could trust you.
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Meanwhile Kanda is contemplating murdering him for this but he's shivering too much to be able to whack him with Mugen effectively]
I should've dropped you.
[HE'S JUST BEING GROUCHY NOW
I wish he realized how insane and concerning it is for a baby to think these things but he obviously fucking doesn't. The only thing really lingering in his mind is Lavi's perception of Bookman, honestly--and maybe he'll bring it up again in a bit, but for now he's just suffering the indignity of being cocooned]
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But you didn't.
[Thanks.]
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[A well-adjusted normal person would say something like, I wouldn't have let you get hurt, but. It's Kanda.
If he wasn't (checks notes) unbearably cold, he would've stopped tolerating this ages ago. But he's also sick of being uncomfortable even if it's temporary, so--he grumbles, and is stiff about it, but he doesn't shove him off just yet. He just reaches up to take his hairtie out, hoping that it'll help with the warmth.
...After a while:]
You thought he was going to abandon you.
[It's so rare for Kanda to make personal inquiries. With Lavi, he rarely even has to--Lavi volunteers so much on his own, the same way Lenalee does. But he has a feeling this isn't something Lavi would bring up on his own.
(And it's not his business--but he keeps thinking of the look on Lavi's face, the quiet certainty in his tone when he'd said I broke the rules.)]
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he feels even warmer now, like that small gesture meant for Kanda has somehow affected Lavi -- even though he's too far away to even feel it. it distracts him so much that it takes a beat before he realizes what Kanda even said -- but he catches it in time, burying his hopefully not red face in the collar of his coat,]
...I thought he'd pick another apprentice. Someone better.
[But I can't escape it that easily.]
If you keep telling a kid that a job's more important than any one person, then they'll start to think that includes them too.
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I didn't know he hated it that much.
Not that it matters, in the end. They aren't the sorts of people who get choices.
(...Then again--Kanda is, now. Isn't he? He's back at the Order, but... he chose that. He's free in his own way.
But what about Lavi?)]
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