Tell that fussy doctor or whoever that you'll check me next time. If anything's weird, we'll catch it early.
[And maybe it'll give Lavi time to find the strength to do what needs to be done. Even after last week, even knowing what a burden it is to place on Lavi's shoulders--Kanda still trusts Lavi the most with this.]
[Now it's Lavi's turn to descend into petulant silence.... which is unfair because this isn't an insensible request. It makes sense to check Kanda next time, and to do it himself, because he doesn't know if he can trust anyone else -- which is unfair, because Mathis did a fine job. But the problem lies in it being someone else in the first place. also
Wasn't he there with you? ...I guess he did say he didn't really notice what was going on.]
Alright.
[You better make it through tomorrow.
and insert SMASHCUT HERE after yuffie and kanda talk because now Lavi is insanely worried for a different reason. he is looking at Kanda now they're alone in their room. he keeps on looking at him which must be so annoying,]
But yes, smashcut to post-Yuffie chat and probably post-a few other things too; every now and then he looks at Lavi blankly, brief stutters of memory before recognition returns. He goes to sit by the pyre for a little while so that other people can come interrogate him like nosy Nancys, but he comes back to the house early, tired and in pain whenever the numbness fades.
He hates everything about what Kanda went through in the last twenty four hours, but he wasn't there for it in the same way he is now, reminded every time he lifts his eyes to look over at Kanda and wonders if he'll see recognition or -- nothing.
At least this time it feels like recognition,]
Do you still not remember who those people were? The boy with the tail and the markings, and the girl you fought after.
[...He doesn't understand how this works -- would Kanda only remember if they were in front of him, like Lavi is now?
He had to have recognized them while fighting -- how else would Kanda have lost? Did he forget them because he died? Surely, this is one of the effects from the trip -- and when trial comes around, Kanda will remember again.
Right?]
The girl's name is Lenalee. And the other person... is Alma. They're both people who are important to you.
[That Kanda's struggling to remember them. Because he's a Bookman? Because he's afraid it'll happen to him? Or because this effect might, somehow, become permanent, right when he's in the middle of blanking on Lavi's identity?
It bothers Kanda too, but more because he doesn't like having his head messed with. It got so lonely in that lab, after all; with no one to keep him sane, Kanda had no way of maintaining a grip on reality. Not until he escaped the lab, a price paid in blood--so many bodies felled by his sword.
A part of him, prickly and defensive and driven to distraction by the way his body doesn't seem quite tethered to reality, wants to snap that it's not Lavi's business what goes on his head or his heart. It's just--he doesn't like seeing Lavi like this. It bothers him that Lavi seems so pained by something Kanda's going through. Lavi cares more than he should, but he's not that softhearted. If Lavi's this unsettled by the whole thing, then it has to be important. (Right?)
And--he'd... asked Lavi, hadn't he? To help him remember... something. He can't put his finger on what, right now, but--it was a big show of trust. He knows that much.
For Lenalee, anyway. He starts with that name--and at first, there are... faces. Multiple ones. Ashlyn's, Yuffie's, Asa's. His mind tries to slot them in, and they fit--but only askance. If he thinks on it too hard, the memories catch around the edges, small imperfections that clue him in. Asa's missing arm, Ashlyn's own memory, Yuffie's love for Aerith and Cloud, who definitely don't belong to the Order. The numbness fades away again, and the pain in his back starts to drag his attention away, but he ignores it, searching his heart. He meditates so often that it isn't hard to keep focused.
And, after a short while, his eyes snap open again.]
--Lena.
[She asked for help-- did she fight it off-- did she make it--]
[What did he expect when he said their names? That Kanda would remember and then everything would go back to normal? Why did I make him -- Why did he make him remember, when all signs point to Kanda having fought both of them? When Kanda's already fought Alma once -- another retread of a nightmare that he has to realize now that Lavi's pushed him.
Like he always has -- every time he pushes, all he sees is Kanda in more pain -- he immediately reaches for him, both hands falling on top of his shoulders so he can look him in the eyes,]
Yuu -- Lenalee wasn't there. That place you were in -- it took her and Alma from your memories. The same way it did with Gramps and you when it was my turn.
[Lavi grasps his shoulders, but Kanda's too caught up in his own head to shake him off, or even to really listen to what he's saying.]
They had her--but she was fighting it off, the control. She was trying--
[She threw herself into the blast--
Because of course, of course Lenalee would rather die than turn against her friends. They both know that. He digs his nails into his palms, drawing in a ragged breath.]
...I didn't see what happened to her.
[Not after his wounds from the first fight, nor the other chaos of the second. A mortal body can only withstand so much.]
[He can't blame Kanda for his reaction -- not when the specters of Lenalee and Allen had been used so effectively against Lavi that first time around, back in the ark.
But at least he's had some experience against this -- of seeing friends and familiar faces twisted to inflict as much pain as possible, for the sole sake of breaking him down. He keeps his hands on Kanda, voice rising]
Nothing happened because it wasn't real.
[and Lavi doesn't even know the extent of Kanda's hallucinations,
all he knows is that he'd be spiraling this same exact way if he'd seen Lenalee too,]
She's still back at the Order, with Komui and everyone.
[Normally he'd shove Lavi out of his space, but right now, his grip is solid, grounding. He bites his lip hard, enough to draw a little blood, even though his pain tolerance is too high for that to snap him out of it.
It wasn't real. It's just like what Road did to Lavi--Kanda saw that. And he saw Lavi come back weeks ago, too, talking about how he'd seen Kanda. Lavi is right. He has to be. Lenalee's tears, her cloudy eyes, her desperate attempts to stop herself from hurting people--none of it truly happened. Her mind is still her own, and she's safe at home. It wasn't real.]
...Alma's there too?
[That's the other name Lavi said, but--sorting through his memories brings up nothing, not even the strangely tenuous grasp he has on Lavi, and now Lenalee. But he does remember the Order. If he's recognized everyone in Scawwy except Lavi, then it stands to reason Alma is another exorcist, or something like it. So--surely, he's safe, too?]
[at the question, Lavi's grip goes slack -- his eye widening, and then he turns his head a little to master his expression. but a little stormy cloud of rain and thunder pops up over his head anyway,]
...He was there once, but not anymore.
[then he turns back to look at Kanda, trusting that he'll remember -- because he can't not, after remembering him and Lenalee.]
You've known him the longest -- more than Lenalee and Marie and General Tiedoll. He was your... friend.
[You're the only person who remembers. ...So don't forget.]
[He frowns, because--that doesn't sound right? He's not--he doesn't make friends. Already, he can feel those other three names flickering in his mind, unstable, but he still remembers them for now. And yes, they're all close to him, but... are they friends? That feels like the wrong word, though Kanda doesn't have the right one.
He fixes his gaze on the floor, looking at nothing, and his brow furrows slightly. Lotus...? Why now?
Well. Whatever. More importantly: "Not anymore," Lavi says, but that only means one thing in the Order.]
[Lavi follows Kanda's gaze to the floor, seeing nothing -- no explanation for why Kanda thinks of a flower, and why he's confused about it -- he tugs his gaze away and back to Kanda,]
I don't know.
[He hadn't seen that part in the few memories he got to see from Kanda, but]
...The Order created him from the body of a past Exorcist, and then they experimented on him for decades. They put Akuma cells in him -- and put his cells in CROW members. That's how the Thirds were made.
[He's sure Kanda remembers them, and all the rest of this -- the artificial creation, because that's Kanda's story too -- the one thing he shares with one other person in the world,]
They called him Alma Karma. But Alma was his name.
It sounds--similar to his own story, but not quite. It stirs something in chest, but Kanda can't tell if it's remembrance, or sympathy, or something else. He tries to picture the face of the man he fought just hours ago, to pair it to the things Lavi's telling him, but the pieces slip past each other instead of clicking into place.
With a touch of bitterness:]
Sounds like something they'd do.
[God he hates the Order. He wishes he hated it enough to abandon it.]
[Lavi looks back at him, trying not to look stricken -- trying not to look like anything, especially with eyes that seem like they know more than what Kanda knows -- because how annoying would it be to be looked at like that?
He dips his head instead, breathing in. what he can be right now -- is a bystander, a historian. If you can't remember, then I'll remember it for you. his tone grows a little steadier, softer]
You knew him from your past life. He was someone else then, but -- he still cared about you the same way. He was the person you were searching for.
[Lavi's close enough that it's impossible to miss these reactions--the forced steadiness of his voice, the tightening and loosening of his grip. Kanda's not so stupid that he doesn't realize Lavi's withholding things, but he's being honest enough that it's not making his frustration worse. For now, anyway, as he tries again, and again, to forcefully dig up lost memories.]
The... person...? What are you--
[talking about he wants to ask, but he tenses, suddenly. Abruptly, he grabs at his own chest, his breathing going shallow as he looks down at himself.
[okay well that makes lavi stop completely in his tracks?]
-- Yuu!
[the name spills from him, full of panic, his gaze darting down to Kanda's chest and his unsteady breathing --
his hands fall away from Kanda's shoulders, letting him go -- only to curl back around his back and pull him close -- half an embrace and half an attempt to hold him up, to give him something he can hold onto.]
[That's exactly what he does, too caught up in his panic to shove him away like he might have otherwise. He keeps one hand on his own chest, but the other reaches out, blindly grasping Lavi's shirt and clutching it like a lifeline.
Fortunately, it's clear when it passes; his breathing shifts to a harsh, angry exhale, and his shoulders drop.]
I hate that fucking--
[
He doesn't even know what this is from at this point actually??? He can guess if he stops to think about it, but so much has happened so quickly. There's no guarantee of what's caused by the swamp and what's a result of his trip, so he just cuts himself off with a curse and lets go of Lavi to rub a hand over his face. At this point he can't even react to the scarring he feels, too distracted by the hot mess that is his brain, apparently.]
[it is clear when it passes, but the fear thrums through Lavi all the same. This is more than injuries and a loss of balance, this is sabotage -- an active threat to Kanda's chances of surviving the night.
Don't think about it. But I have to.
he loosens his grip, but he keeps one hand on Kanda's back, even as he steps back to give Kanda some space, trying very hard not to think his panic and fear out loud -- but what else can he do or say? what other solution is there besides hope for the best?
but he does so badly with hope. he was willing to sacrifice it.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[OH THE DESIRE TO STOMP OFF IS SO STRONG... OH IT'S STRONG... BUT WHAT IF HE FALLS ON HIS FACE AND LAVI TRIES TO CARRY HIM.... EURGH
Allows this but looks mad about it, at least until he catches that thought.]
What item?
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[their ENDLESS CURSE ITEMS]
But it's got a fifty fifty chance of cursing someone or healing them. And I definitely don't want to curse you before curfew.
[what if kanda REMAINS CURSED during MURDER NIGHT]
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Don't curse me. [HE SAID HE WOULDN'T but still... this is the correct choice]
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You already get cursed enough.
[You better not get cursed on Saturday either.]
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Tell that fussy doctor or whoever that you'll check me next time. If anything's weird, we'll catch it early.
[And maybe it'll give Lavi time to find the strength to do what needs to be done. Even after last week, even knowing what a burden it is to place on Lavi's shoulders--Kanda still trusts Lavi the most with this.]
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Wasn't he there with you? ...I guess he did say he didn't really notice what was going on.]
Alright.
[You better make it through tomorrow.
and insert SMASHCUT HERE after yuffie and kanda talk because now Lavi is insanely worried for a different reason. he is looking at Kanda now they're alone in their room. he keeps on looking at him which must be so annoying,]
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He didn't save your stupid ass for NOTHING!!!
But yes, smashcut to post-Yuffie chat and probably post-a few other things too; every now and then he looks at Lavi blankly, brief stutters of memory before recognition returns. He goes to sit by the pyre for a little while so that other people can come interrogate him like nosy Nancys, but he comes back to the house early, tired and in pain whenever the numbness fades.
Without looking up:]
You're staring.
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He hates everything about what Kanda went through in the last twenty four hours, but he wasn't there for it in the same way he is now, reminded every time he lifts his eyes to look over at Kanda and wonders if he'll see recognition or -- nothing.
At least this time it feels like recognition,]
Do you still not remember who those people were? The boy with the tail and the markings, and the girl you fought after.
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I should know them.
[It's a question, but not really. Lavi wouldn't be hung up on it otherwise.]
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He had to have recognized them while fighting -- how else would Kanda have lost? Did he forget them because he died? Surely, this is one of the effects from the trip -- and when trial comes around, Kanda will remember again.
Right?]
The girl's name is Lenalee. And the other person... is Alma. They're both people who are important to you.
1/2
It bothers you.
[That Kanda's struggling to remember them. Because he's a Bookman? Because he's afraid it'll happen to him? Or because this effect might, somehow, become permanent, right when he's in the middle of blanking on Lavi's identity?
It bothers Kanda too, but more because he doesn't like having his head messed with. It got so lonely in that lab, after all; with no one to keep him sane, Kanda had no way of maintaining a grip on reality. Not until he escaped the lab, a price paid in blood--so many bodies felled by his sword.
A part of him, prickly and defensive and driven to distraction by the way his body doesn't seem quite tethered to reality, wants to snap that it's not Lavi's business what goes on his head or his heart. It's just--he doesn't like seeing Lavi like this. It bothers him that Lavi seems so pained by something Kanda's going through. Lavi cares more than he should, but he's not that softhearted. If Lavi's this unsettled by the whole thing, then it has to be important. (Right?)
And--he'd... asked Lavi, hadn't he? To help him remember... something. He can't put his finger on what, right now, but--it was a big show of trust. He knows that much.
So, he closes his eyes and tries to focus.]
2/2
For Lenalee, anyway. He starts with that name--and at first, there are... faces. Multiple ones. Ashlyn's, Yuffie's, Asa's. His mind tries to slot them in, and they fit--but only askance. If he thinks on it too hard, the memories catch around the edges, small imperfections that clue him in. Asa's missing arm, Ashlyn's own memory, Yuffie's love for Aerith and Cloud, who definitely don't belong to the Order. The numbness fades away again, and the pain in his back starts to drag his attention away, but he ignores it, searching his heart. He meditates so often that it isn't hard to keep focused.
And, after a short while, his eyes snap open again.]
--Lena.
[She asked for help-- did she fight it off-- did she make it--]
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Like he always has -- every time he pushes, all he sees is Kanda in more pain -- he immediately reaches for him, both hands falling on top of his shoulders so he can look him in the eyes,]
Yuu -- Lenalee wasn't there. That place you were in -- it took her and Alma from your memories. The same way it did with Gramps and you when it was my turn.
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They had her--but she was fighting it off, the control. She was trying--
[She threw herself into the blast--
Because of course, of course Lenalee would rather die than turn against her friends. They both know that. He digs his nails into his palms, drawing in a ragged breath.]
...I didn't see what happened to her.
[Not after his wounds from the first fight, nor the other chaos of the second. A mortal body can only withstand so much.]
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But at least he's had some experience against this -- of seeing friends and familiar faces twisted to inflict as much pain as possible, for the sole sake of breaking him down. He keeps his hands on Kanda, voice rising]
Nothing happened because it wasn't real.
[and Lavi doesn't even know the extent of Kanda's hallucinations,
all he knows is that he'd be spiraling this same exact way if he'd seen Lenalee too,]
She's still back at the Order, with Komui and everyone.
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It wasn't real. It's just like what Road did to Lavi--Kanda saw that. And he saw Lavi come back weeks ago, too, talking about how he'd seen Kanda. Lavi is right. He has to be. Lenalee's tears, her cloudy eyes, her desperate attempts to stop herself from hurting people--none of it truly happened. Her mind is still her own, and she's safe at home. It wasn't real.]
...Alma's there too?
[That's the other name Lavi said, but--sorting through his memories brings up nothing, not even the strangely tenuous grasp he has on Lavi, and now Lenalee. But he does remember the Order. If he's recognized everyone in Scawwy except Lavi, then it stands to reason Alma is another exorcist, or something like it. So--surely, he's safe, too?]
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...He was there once, but not anymore.
[then he turns back to look at Kanda, trusting that he'll remember -- because he can't not, after remembering him and Lenalee.]
You've known him the longest -- more than Lenalee and Marie and General Tiedoll. He was your... friend.
[You're the only person who remembers. ...So don't forget.]
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[He frowns, because--that doesn't sound right? He's not--he doesn't make friends. Already, he can feel those other three names flickering in his mind, unstable, but he still remembers them for now. And yes, they're all close to him, but... are they friends? That feels like the wrong word, though Kanda doesn't have the right one.
He fixes his gaze on the floor, looking at nothing, and his brow furrows slightly. Lotus...? Why now?
Well. Whatever. More importantly: "Not anymore," Lavi says, but that only means one thing in the Order.]
How did he die?
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I don't know.
[He hadn't seen that part in the few memories he got to see from Kanda, but]
...The Order created him from the body of a past Exorcist, and then they experimented on him for decades. They put Akuma cells in him -- and put his cells in CROW members. That's how the Thirds were made.
[He's sure Kanda remembers them, and all the rest of this -- the artificial creation, because that's Kanda's story too -- the one thing he shares with one other person in the world,]
They called him Alma Karma. But Alma was his name.
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It sounds--similar to his own story, but not quite. It stirs something in chest, but Kanda can't tell if it's remembrance, or sympathy, or something else. He tries to picture the face of the man he fought just hours ago, to pair it to the things Lavi's telling him, but the pieces slip past each other instead of clicking into place.
With a touch of bitterness:]
Sounds like something they'd do.
[God he hates the Order. He wishes he hated it enough to abandon it.]
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He dips his head instead, breathing in. what he can be right now -- is a bystander, a historian. If you can't remember, then I'll remember it for you. his tone grows a little steadier, softer]
You knew him from your past life. He was someone else then, but -- he still cared about you the same way. He was the person you were searching for.
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The... person...? What are you--
[talking about he wants to ask, but he tenses, suddenly. Abruptly, he grabs at his own chest, his breathing going shallow as he looks down at himself.
Am I still here-- can't feel--]
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-- Yuu!
[the name spills from him, full of panic, his gaze darting down to Kanda's chest and his unsteady breathing --
his hands fall away from Kanda's shoulders, letting him go -- only to curl back around his back and pull him close -- half an embrace and half an attempt to hold him up, to give him something he can hold onto.]
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Fortunately, it's clear when it passes; his breathing shifts to a harsh, angry exhale, and his shoulders drop.]
I hate that fucking--
[
He doesn't even know what this is from at this point actually??? He can guess if he stops to think about it, but so much has happened so quickly. There's no guarantee of what's caused by the swamp and what's a result of his trip, so he just cuts himself off with a curse and lets go of Lavi to rub a hand over his face. At this point he can't even react to the scarring he feels, too distracted by the hot mess that is his brain, apparently.]
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Don't think about it. But I have to.
he loosens his grip, but he keeps one hand on Kanda's back, even as he steps back to give Kanda some space, trying very hard not to think his panic and fear out loud -- but what else can he do or say? what other solution is there besides hope for the best?
but he does so badly with hope. he was willing to sacrifice it.]
You gotta rest.
[I shouldn't keep pushing.]
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NOT MY SET FOO I need to stop phone tagging
looks at my laying about heat and stares directly into your eyes
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