[It's a familiar chill -- he's tried touching the others, only to feel cold in return.But this time it zings through him, all the way through, leaving him cold and bereft, too much like the time he had to run his hands over Kanda, body part after part.
Everything he wants to ask and desperately know about is how Kanda is doing and what he's been doing, anything to override the last image he'll never forget in his head. But he curbs the desire, because they don't have enough time.
And there are things he needs to say that he wouldn't leave in a letter, not after knowing how public they are.]
...I partnered up the weekend you died.
[he's not sure if kanda knows, if the same restriction exists over there that would prevent him from learning.
and maybe he's afraid to learn that kanda does know actually,]
[It's not terribly rare for Kanda to look surprised, but it's unusual enough that this reaction makes it obvious he hadn't known.
He doesn't answer right away, swallowing back his first responses, the ones that would surely have him vanishing again.]
...Why?
[He thinks he can guess, but--he needs to hear it. Lavi needs to say it.
Sure, the risk is probably lower now--so many casualties likely means a number of people without partners. And Lavi is well loved, here. Kanda doesn't need to pay attention to all the romance shenanigans to see that. If something happens, the others will look out for him.
...Still. The thought of Lavi's soul being tied to another person, on top of his monster? He doesn't like it. Despite everything, it's not what he wanted to hear.]
But that's an unfair question, because the decision was so very not like him at the time. The opposite of what "Lavi" would do, especially after they talked about it all those weeks ago. It wasn't something they could trust -- it was too much like what the Earl would offer -- and didn't they know enough where decisions like that would get them?
It's different from telling the others. No one had asked why, everyone had assumed he'd done it to finally have something for himself, that he'd given in and let himself feel long enough to want.
...It's not like they were wrong, so Lavi hadn't dissuaded them. He had given in, he did let himself feel -- he'd given into that rage and terror and grief for the only person who mattered and still matters to him. And now he has to own up to that decision to that very same person,]
For the wish. [...] I wanted to know who killed you.
[That's--not what he expected at all, actually. In fact, it hadn't even occurred to him to consider that possibility. He'd been prepared to hear something like I stepped in to save someone or I was begged by someone I just couldn't say no to. Things that would've been... frustrating, maybe a little bit infuriating, but not necessarily surprising. Lavi cares when he shouldn't, after all. He always has.
And this is... proof of that, too, in a way, but it's not--he'd never--
If he looked surprised before, he's stunned into silence now. It's not emotionshare anymore, but it wouldn't matter even if it was, because his heart can't settle, he can't decide how to feel--whether he should be furious or touched or something else entirely.
Being angry is easy, so naturally, he lashes out first, though his shock colors his tone, making him sound more agitated than pissed off.]
[Maybe it is stupid, incredibly, inexorably stupid -- especially after everything Lavi said about wanting to stay alive -- all his thoughts that were turned incessantly towards the clan and saving a legacy full of records and history, because the Bookman clan is still the most important thing to him --
so important that he barely gave it a passing thought when he made his decision, because it turns out -- there are things more important to him than all the immutable truths he's grown up with -- and they all have to do with the person standing right here --]
You died.
[the agitation he can hear in Kanda's voice spurs his own,]
You died and I didn't know who or even why! I can accept that for anyone else, hell I did accept that -- but not for you.
[he swallows past the ache in his throat, his chest]
[accept this, but he can't say that, can he? Not after--
--but does that matter? Especially now? Why should Kanda care about being fair or logical? He doesn't, not when Lavi is right here saying for you with so much more emotion than he's supposed to have.
He cuts himself off, frustrated.]
Tell me who.
[Who Lavi partnered with--who he's tied to, now, in these final hours before it could all go to shit.]
[he takes a breath, feels the air whoosh into his lungs and out and feels not even a little bit centered or calm from the action. he feels even more rattled when Kanda says 'Tell me who' -- he wants to cringe away from the request, but the words fall from him anyway.]
Kate. She was my match.
[there's a tinge of hysteria to his voice,]
She told me that week that it might be her, and I was gonna say no. And then you... [he swallows] So I went to her and said I wanted to partner up and she asked why -- and that's when she told me it was her.
[he can see it again in his mind's eye -- kate pulling down her hood to show her curved horns, the absolute shock that must have been on his expression. the shock and the fear and the rage, the desire to cut her down because she killed Yuu and I hadn't known and the despair because he can stake his life for Kanda but apparently, he can't go any farther -- ]
She told me the truth, and I partnered with her anyway.
[I stepped in to save her or I just couldn't say no, but at its core -- the same reason. Lavi's treacherous heart, making another decision.]
[Lavi says it like it's a betrayal, and maybe Kanda should see it that way too. Maybe it should feel like Allen being a Noah, or Suman Falling--or like waking up on a cold table with fractured memories of love and death and that hateful blue sky filtering through his mind.
But all he can think of is:]
How are you still--?
[He remembers someone else checking in on him, asking if he was worried about Lavi. The way he'd had to admit that he didn't know if Lavi had partnered up or not, whether he was in danger or not--but he'd thought it would be a product of Lavi's insatiable curiosity, not that he'd--
But hadn't the rulebook said that partners would die? So how is Lavi still on this side?]
[isn't it a betrayal? the only other person Lavi had confided in with his fears -- they said it hadn't been, but Lavi couldn't think of it that way. It wasn't only Kate's life and wish, it was Kanda's too -- it was Yuu's life, broken and twisted by the monster and this ritual and the cult, without even the proper chance to fight back the way he would have, if he had been whole.
so he braces himself for anger -- utterly justified -- and he pauses, momentarily confused -- and then the realization. that of course Kanda would ask this, knowing what they know]
Widowed partners die on Sunday, unless they find another widow to partner up with.
[and Lavi had been so tempted to let the weekend pass, had wished no one else had known or guessed that he was partners with Kate, had wanted to follow, despite Kate's objections.
but what would Kanda have said if he did?]
I asked Camille. Astarion was her match.
[there had been a split second of wondering when Lavi had asked, if it would really work with Camille, because if it hadn't then Lavi would have died for sure. but it had, and it made Lavi realize that 'ah, Camille was never safe from anything after all' and that he'd dragged her back into it all over again.]
[Bound to a monster? It was even more of a waste of time than they'd thought?
Any other time, this would take his full attention. He's always so focused on missions, after all, and this might as well be one. He should be furious with the four who resurrected her all over again, spiteful in being proven right.
But honestly--right now, he can't find it in himself to care. Not beyond what it means for Lavi.
He digs his nails into his palms and crosses his arms over his chest, looking away.]
Idiot. [He probably shouldn't be mad, really, not after some of the things he'd said. But he is, and not even for the "right" reasons, the ones that Lavi is afraid of. Except, he's terrible with words. Even if he could say everything he wanted to, he wouldn't know how. There are too many contradictions to contend with, too many things he doesn't have the time to untangle.] ...Don't waste it.
[If he blows his wish on something sappy and emotional, Kanda will come back from the dead just to kick his ass.]
Lavi watches Kanda, because he always is watching him, even when he's afraid of what he might see or hear. He sees the tension in Kanda's fingers, and then his crossed arms, and the tilt of his head as he looks away.
he takes in a quick breath when he does.
'i know' he wants to say. he knows that this wish could mean anything and everything, and that so many people who have died would know what to use theirs for. instead,]
[...It's ultimately Lavi's choice, of course. Kanda doesn't say that, because he's sure he doesn't need to; Lavi will do what he wants if he doesn't like Kanda's opinions.
He opens his mouth, then pauses, and closes it again. He's quiet for a long time--not quite hesitant, but something like it.]
Use it to get the old man back to the Order. [.......] I'll cover for you, if you don't want to go straight back.
[It's not like him to be optimstic--but he is stubborn when he wants to be. It's not naivete to reject the idea of Lavi failing to make it out of here and back home. It's simply Kanda doing what he wants, spitting on fate the way he always has. If Kanda can beat the odds time and time and time again, then Lavi can too, just this once. He's more human than Kanda will ever be, but he deserves this, even if it's in defiance of God.
And he deserves... freedom, if he wants it. Kanda doesn't even know if Lavi could stay away for very long, if his Innocence would threaten him right back into piety after a week or two--but it would be something. A breather. A chance to see the world and its people without thinking too hard about how much he's not allowed to love them.
Kanda did what he could for Allen. That debt is repaid. (I̴s̷n̴'̸t̷ ̵i̶t̴?̷) And this is hardly the same thing. Lavi helped avenge him, kind of, but--it was peace for Kate more than anything else. Kanda hadn't had any idea Lavi was tearing himself apart over the case like that; if he'd known, he would've written and told him to knock it off.
Maybe it's a little bit of regret, even so. It's the number 49 and they should all just die and sometimes I think there's no going back--but more than anything, it's knowing what freedom feels like. Wanting someone else to know it. Someone as chained to duty as he once was, who has granted him moments of respite and feelings of safety when there were none to be found otherwise--someone who trusted him with honesty long before this place pried greater truths out of them.
He doubts Lavi would vanish forever. They're too alike in that way, though Kanda thinks Bookman cares for Lavi far more than the Order has ever cared for him. Maybe that's better, or worse. He doesn't know. But that's part of the reason he's saying this in the first place. Kanda does what he can for the people he cares about, but he's not selfless enough to let them go if he doesn't have to.
Maybe Lavi will brush the whole thing off entirely. Kanda probably should've waited to mention this, even though it's been turning in his head for a while. But Kanda, despite all the demands he's made, has no way of knowing if they'll ever speak face to face again. He can't even begin to ask. But he doesn't want to put it in a letter that anyone could read, so he puts the offer on the table now.]
[...It's Lavi's turn to be surprised. No, surprise isn't the right word for it -- shock? It falls across his face, a mirror of Kanda's own just earlier, except this time it's all his.
He thought he knew everything about Kanda. He'd been afraid at first, when he realized that he hadn't, and then somewhere along the way that fear turned into curiosity, and then joy -- the gladness Lavi always feels when he meets someone new for the first time or gets to know them better. Every person is part of a record, and Kanda is no exception -- but he's gone further. more than an imprint on a page, but a journey all unto himself. a process that Lavi gets to see and experience, a path that with every new twist comes another revelation. only this time instead of all the ugliness of war, it's the simple beauty of getting to know a single life.
Of knowing that this is Kanda's answer. Of knowing its depth, what Kanda is offering. Of knowing what freedom means to the man standing before him.
A lot of people have expressed similar sentiments -- a desire for Lavi to break free -- but not understanding that these are duties he picked for himself. But Kanda's answer is different. It's not telling him to do anything or be anyone he isn't ready to be. It's... a choice. And Lavi knows too well how little choices Kanda has for himself, how rare it is for anyone from their world and the war to have this.
his heart hammers in his chest, that soft beating thing he never should have but has thrived with every intent and purpose. he's honestly so overwhelmed by this moment that it takes him a bit to imagine what it would even be like if he said 'okay'. where would he go? what would he be? it's a frightening possibility to consider, but he's not afraid.
he thinks he knows his answer.]
I want to go back with you.
[his voice is soft, but not tentative or hesitant this time. there are so many reasons why -- and one of them is that he remembers the hold on Kanda's mind that's convincing him to return to the Order, and that he promised to remember that for him, and he could really say it right now to make it clear, but the words that tumble out of him instead are]
Or at least -- I just... want to be with you.
[it's what he wants but it's not a no. maybe he will use it for bookman, if he can fight the guilt from not using it to -- stop the war? (like more wouldn't spring forth) change the past? (as if he could take that decision again out of kanda's hands)]
[It's not a no, but to Kanda's altered brain, it kind of sounds like one. The only place he's going is straight back to the Order, after all. But at least he can tell it's the kind of "no" that isn't wholly convincing. It's Lavi's version of looking at a broad blue sky after hundreds of days underground, unsure of what to do or where to go. But in his case, Kanda thinks, he probably just needs a push. The unknown is awful and terrifying; Lavi's probably just hesitating from uncertainty.
...At least, that's partially what he thinks. But even Kanda isn't that oblivious. Not when Lavi's tone is so soft, when his expression is more open than Kanda's ever seen it, even when Lavi had been wracked with fury or grief. Kanda thinks of the last person who spoke to him so tenderly, with words like I just... wanted to be with Yuu and Just stay with me. Of a bright smile in the darkest places and at the worst times. (The lab. Edo. HQ. North America.) A relentless presence behind him, beside him. Laying beside him, watching the ripples in cold pools. (Leaning against him, morning sunbeams breaking across the water far below.)
Still--he wants Lavi to think selfishly. With his perspective skewed by altered memories, it's impossible to see this answer clearly. And Kanda knows so much of him now, but even he only has pieces of Lavi whole self to hold onto. He can't really know just how big of a step Lavi's taking in admitting to wanting anything at all.
His eyes linger on Lavi's face for a minute before he huffs and looks away.]
Don't answer now, stupid. [Grumbles, though there's no heat to his voice.] Wait until we know if we're all dead for real.
[If they do survive this, and Lavi's answer is the same after he thinks it over, then... well, then they're headed back to the Order, as Kanda had assumed they would be from the start. Back to normal on paper, if not in truth. As for the rest, anything to do with hearts or attachments or those other things they're not supposed to have--they can cross that bridge on the way home, if they choose to do so at all.
He's not capable of giving a proper response with his mind the way it is right now. He probably wouldn't even if his head wasn't affected, not when he's already been haunted by a broken promise to a lov--to someone important, once before. But it's not a no from him either. That's the best he can do.]
[This response from Kanda is familiar, and it's enough to pull a smile from him, part gallows humor, part fond appreciation. It's not a brutal reminder of their reality because he hasn't forgotten where they are now, and how they got here. It's a little like fighting through an ark set for self-destruction, leaving first Kanda and then Krory behind. He hadn't let the despair take him then, so there's no reason to let it take him now.
It's not over yet. It's not even the final hour. They still have time. ...It's not the end. That comes later.]
Hey, it's not like we know what's gonna happen! [because they could survive this or they could not, but they're so used to walking the line between the two.
when have they ever had a day that was promised?]
So I should get to say whatever I want, just in case.
LAVI JUST LAUGHS. which is nice, because he has not laughed in forever. he didn't even laugh during the omegaverse booth, even though it was funny..... a sign of how BAD the VIBES HAVE BEEN]
If he doesn't move around though he's going to just work himself up and get pissed off again about not being able to say the things he really wants to, so he just starts walking off, assuming Lavi will follow him... what is at this market]
[RUNS AFTER BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES!!!!! the way this market looks more familiar to the both of them because they're probably seen a dozen of these open air markets with stalls for random goods and food. literally ANYTHING can BE HERE!!!
it really doesn't take long for Lavi to catch up because he has longer legs anyway, so he'll just walk around with Kanda.]
I was here just the other day to find something for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Everything he wants to ask and desperately know about is how Kanda is doing and what he's been doing, anything to override the last image he'll never forget in his head. But he curbs the desire, because they don't have enough time.
And there are things he needs to say that he wouldn't leave in a letter, not after knowing how public they are.]
...I partnered up the weekend you died.
[he's not sure if kanda knows, if the same restriction exists over there that would prevent him from learning.
and maybe he's afraid to learn that kanda does know actually,]
I haven't made my wish yet.
no subject
He doesn't answer right away, swallowing back his first responses, the ones that would surely have him vanishing again.]
...Why?
[He thinks he can guess, but--he needs to hear it. Lavi needs to say it.
Sure, the risk is probably lower now--so many casualties likely means a number of people without partners. And Lavi is well loved, here. Kanda doesn't need to pay attention to all the romance shenanigans to see that. If something happens, the others will look out for him.
...Still. The thought of Lavi's soul being tied to another person, on top of his monster? He doesn't like it. Despite everything, it's not what he wanted to hear.]
no subject
But that's an unfair question, because the decision was so very not like him at the time. The opposite of what "Lavi" would do, especially after they talked about it all those weeks ago. It wasn't something they could trust -- it was too much like what the Earl would offer -- and didn't they know enough where decisions like that would get them?
It's different from telling the others. No one had asked why, everyone had assumed he'd done it to finally have something for himself, that he'd given in and let himself feel long enough to want.
...It's not like they were wrong, so Lavi hadn't dissuaded them. He had given in, he did let himself feel -- he'd given into that rage and terror and grief for the only person who mattered and still matters to him. And now he has to own up to that decision to that very same person,]
For the wish. [...] I wanted to know who killed you.
no subject
And this is... proof of that, too, in a way, but it's not--he'd never--
If he looked surprised before, he's stunned into silence now. It's not emotionshare anymore, but it wouldn't matter even if it was, because his heart can't settle, he can't decide how to feel--whether he should be furious or touched or something else entirely.
Being angry is easy, so naturally, he lashes out first, though his shock colors his tone, making him sound more agitated than pissed off.]
Stupid--you risked your damn life for that?
no subject
so important that he barely gave it a passing thought when he made his decision, because it turns out -- there are things more important to him than all the immutable truths he's grown up with -- and they all have to do with the person standing right here --]
You died.
[the agitation he can hear in Kanda's voice spurs his own,]
You died and I didn't know who or even why! I can accept that for anyone else, hell I did accept that -- but not for you.
[he swallows past the ache in his throat, his chest]
Never for you.
no subject
[accept this, but he can't say that, can he? Not after--
--but does that matter? Especially now? Why should Kanda care about being fair or logical? He doesn't, not when Lavi is right here saying for you with so much more emotion than he's supposed to have.
He cuts himself off, frustrated.]
Tell me who.
[Who Lavi partnered with--who he's tied to, now, in these final hours before it could all go to shit.]
no subject
Kate. She was my match.
[there's a tinge of hysteria to his voice,]
She told me that week that it might be her, and I was gonna say no. And then you... [he swallows] So I went to her and said I wanted to partner up and she asked why -- and that's when she told me it was her.
[he can see it again in his mind's eye -- kate pulling down her hood to show her curved horns, the absolute shock that must have been on his expression. the shock and the fear and the rage, the desire to cut her down because she killed Yuu and I hadn't known and the despair because he can stake his life for Kanda but apparently, he can't go any farther -- ]
She told me the truth, and I partnered with her anyway.
[I stepped in to save her or I just couldn't say no, but at its core -- the same reason. Lavi's treacherous heart, making another decision.]
no subject
But all he can think of is:]
How are you still--?
[He remembers someone else checking in on him, asking if he was worried about Lavi. The way he'd had to admit that he didn't know if Lavi had partnered up or not, whether he was in danger or not--but he'd thought it would be a product of Lavi's insatiable curiosity, not that he'd--
But hadn't the rulebook said that partners would die? So how is Lavi still on this side?]
no subject
so he braces himself for anger -- utterly justified -- and he pauses, momentarily confused -- and then the realization. that of course Kanda would ask this, knowing what they know]
Widowed partners die on Sunday, unless they find another widow to partner up with.
[and Lavi had been so tempted to let the weekend pass, had wished no one else had known or guessed that he was partners with Kate, had wanted to follow, despite Kate's objections.
but what would Kanda have said if he did?]
I asked Camille. Astarion was her match.
[there had been a split second of wondering when Lavi had asked, if it would really work with Camille, because if it hadn't then Lavi would have died for sure. but it had, and it made Lavi realize that 'ah, Camille was never safe from anything after all' and that he'd dragged her back into it all over again.]
no subject
He blinks, momentarily distracted.]
So she was still--
[Bound to a monster? It was even more of a waste of time than they'd thought?
Any other time, this would take his full attention. He's always so focused on missions, after all, and this might as well be one. He should be furious with the four who resurrected her all over again, spiteful in being proven right.
But honestly--right now, he can't find it in himself to care. Not beyond what it means for Lavi.
He digs his nails into his palms and crosses his arms over his chest, looking away.]
Idiot. [He probably shouldn't be mad, really, not after some of the things he'd said. But he is, and not even for the "right" reasons, the ones that Lavi is afraid of. Except, he's terrible with words. Even if he could say everything he wanted to, he wouldn't know how. There are too many contradictions to contend with, too many things he doesn't have the time to untangle.] ...Don't waste it.
[If he blows his wish on something sappy and emotional, Kanda will come back from the dead just to kick his ass.]
no subject
Lavi watches Kanda, because he always is watching him, even when he's afraid of what he might see or hear. He sees the tension in Kanda's fingers, and then his crossed arms, and the tilt of his head as he looks away.
he takes in a quick breath when he does.
'i know' he wants to say. he knows that this wish could mean anything and everything, and that so many people who have died would know what to use theirs for. instead,]
I still don't know what to use it for.
[he'd only known when Kanda died,]
no subject
He opens his mouth, then pauses, and closes it again. He's quiet for a long time--not quite hesitant, but something like it.]
Use it to get the old man back to the Order. [.......] I'll cover for you, if you don't want to go straight back.
[It's not like him to be optimstic--but he is stubborn when he wants to be. It's not naivete to reject the idea of Lavi failing to make it out of here and back home. It's simply Kanda doing what he wants, spitting on fate the way he always has. If Kanda can beat the odds time and time and time again, then Lavi can too, just this once. He's more human than Kanda will ever be, but he deserves this, even if it's in defiance of God.
And he deserves... freedom, if he wants it. Kanda doesn't even know if Lavi could stay away for very long, if his Innocence would threaten him right back into piety after a week or two--but it would be something. A breather. A chance to see the world and its people without thinking too hard about how much he's not allowed to love them.
Kanda did what he could for Allen. That debt is repaid. (I̴s̷n̴'̸t̷ ̵i̶t̴?̷) And this is hardly the same thing. Lavi helped avenge him, kind of, but--it was peace for Kate more than anything else. Kanda hadn't had any idea Lavi was tearing himself apart over the case like that; if he'd known, he would've written and told him to knock it off.
Maybe it's a little bit of regret, even so. It's the number 49 and they should all just die and sometimes I think there's no going back--but more than anything, it's knowing what freedom feels like. Wanting someone else to know it. Someone as chained to duty as he once was, who has granted him moments of respite and feelings of safety when there were none to be found otherwise--someone who trusted him with honesty long before this place pried greater truths out of them.
He doubts Lavi would vanish forever. They're too alike in that way, though Kanda thinks Bookman cares for Lavi far more than the Order has ever cared for him. Maybe that's better, or worse. He doesn't know. But that's part of the reason he's saying this in the first place. Kanda does what he can for the people he cares about, but he's not selfless enough to let them go if he doesn't have to.
Maybe Lavi will brush the whole thing off entirely. Kanda probably should've waited to mention this, even though it's been turning in his head for a while. But Kanda, despite all the demands he's made, has no way of knowing if they'll ever speak face to face again. He can't even begin to ask. But he doesn't want to put it in a letter that anyone could read, so he puts the offer on the table now.]
no subject
He thought he knew everything about Kanda. He'd been afraid at first, when he realized that he hadn't, and then somewhere along the way that fear turned into curiosity, and then joy -- the gladness Lavi always feels when he meets someone new for the first time or gets to know them better. Every person is part of a record, and Kanda is no exception -- but he's gone further. more than an imprint on a page, but a journey all unto himself. a process that Lavi gets to see and experience, a path that with every new twist comes another revelation. only this time instead of all the ugliness of war, it's the simple beauty of getting to know a single life.
Of knowing that this is Kanda's answer. Of knowing its depth, what Kanda is offering. Of knowing what freedom means to the man standing before him.
A lot of people have expressed similar sentiments -- a desire for Lavi to break free -- but not understanding that these are duties he picked for himself. But Kanda's answer is different. It's not telling him to do anything or be anyone he isn't ready to be. It's... a choice. And Lavi knows too well how little choices Kanda has for himself, how rare it is for anyone from their world and the war to have this.
his heart hammers in his chest, that soft beating thing he never should have but has thrived with every intent and purpose. he's honestly so overwhelmed by this moment that it takes him a bit to imagine what it would even be like if he said 'okay'. where would he go? what would he be? it's a frightening possibility to consider, but he's not afraid.
he thinks he knows his answer.]
I want to go back with you.
[his voice is soft, but not tentative or hesitant this time. there are so many reasons why -- and one of them is that he remembers the hold on Kanda's mind that's convincing him to return to the Order, and that he promised to remember that for him, and he could really say it right now to make it clear, but the words that tumble out of him instead are]
Or at least -- I just... want to be with you.
[it's what he wants but it's not a no. maybe he will use it for bookman, if he can fight the guilt from not using it to -- stop the war? (like more wouldn't spring forth) change the past? (as if he could take that decision again out of kanda's hands)]
no subject
...At least, that's partially what he thinks. But even Kanda isn't that oblivious. Not when Lavi's tone is so soft, when his expression is more open than Kanda's ever seen it, even when Lavi had been wracked with fury or grief. Kanda thinks of the last person who spoke to him so tenderly, with words like I just... wanted to be with Yuu and Just stay with me. Of a bright smile in the darkest places and at the worst times. (The lab. Edo. HQ. North America.) A relentless presence behind him, beside him. Laying beside him, watching the ripples in cold pools. (Leaning against him, morning sunbeams breaking across the water far below.)
Still--he wants Lavi to think selfishly. With his perspective skewed by altered memories, it's impossible to see this answer clearly. And Kanda knows so much of him now, but even he only has pieces of Lavi whole self to hold onto. He can't really know just how big of a step Lavi's taking in admitting to wanting anything at all.
His eyes linger on Lavi's face for a minute before he huffs and looks away.]
Don't answer now, stupid. [Grumbles, though there's no heat to his voice.] Wait until we know if we're all dead for real.
[If they do survive this, and Lavi's answer is the same after he thinks it over, then... well, then they're headed back to the Order, as Kanda had assumed they would be from the start. Back to normal on paper, if not in truth. As for the rest, anything to do with hearts or attachments or those other things they're not supposed to have--they can cross that bridge on the way home, if they choose to do so at all.
He's not capable of giving a proper response with his mind the way it is right now. He probably wouldn't even if his head wasn't affected, not when he's already been haunted by a broken promise to a lov--to someone important, once before. But it's not a no from him either. That's the best he can do.]
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It's not over yet. It's not even the final hour. They still have time. ...It's not the end. That comes later.]
Hey, it's not like we know what's gonna happen! [because they could survive this or they could not, but they're so used to walking the line between the two.
when have they ever had a day that was promised?]
So I should get to say whatever I want, just in case.
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[
DON'T JUST SAY "TCH" AFTER THIS DEEP HEARTFELT MOMENT]
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LAVI JUST LAUGHS. which is nice, because he has not laughed in forever. he didn't even laugh during the omegaverse booth, even though it was funny..... a sign of how BAD the VIBES HAVE BEEN]
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If he doesn't move around though he's going to just work himself up and get pissed off again about not being able to say the things he really wants to, so he just starts walking off, assuming Lavi will follow him... what is at this market]
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[RUNS AFTER BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES!!!!! the way this market looks more familiar to the both of them because they're probably seen a dozen of these open air markets with stalls for random goods and food. literally ANYTHING can BE HERE!!!
it really doesn't take long for Lavi to catch up because he has longer legs anyway, so he'll just walk around with Kanda.]
I was here just the other day to find something for you.
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I don't want it. [STOP]
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We got a lot of stuff at the house. Like this!
[takes the little kanda planchette keychain from his chest pocket and dangles it in front of kanda]
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Looks over and MAKES THIS ICON FACE]
Throw that away! [TRIES TO SWIPE IT BUT I ROLLED A 9]
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Lavi rescues the planchette keychain just in time. HE ALSO TAKES OUT ANOTHEr ONE... THIS TIME OF LAVI. and holds it out....]
Here, take this!
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But he only gets to hold it for a second before it slips through his hand. Tch]
They really couldn't figure out a better way than this?!
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It's not so bad.
[partly because kanda and aventurine can't beat him up]
At least we can talk to each other! ...Kinda.
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