[He is primed to fight back, even though he knows it's fruitless too, to make Kanda say or do anything he doesn't want to -- but what else can he do besides try?
And then the memory unfolds, and it hurts. It hurts more than the sting of Kanda's thought earlier. It hurts as it all sinks in, as he sees himself through Kanda's eyes -- at this "Lavi". The one who can smile and laugh, whose smile doesn't look ugly. Lavi hates seeing himself, but the memory isn't about him -- it's about Kanda, seeing him. He looks so much better than he'd ever thought he'd be for anyone. Like he could really mean something, like he could be more than just him.
his emotions are a complicated mess -- grief and guilt and hope and affection and something more. he can't put a name to it but it exists nonetheless, no matter what he does now. he puts a hand over his chest, caught between wanting to repress it or just letting him feel it. for once. realizing that it's not about wanting at this point, but that these feelings will happen regardless of what he does or says next. that they're here, and will be.
i just want to be with you.
his grip folds into a fist as the memory fades, the memory of his words echoing in him. don't say things you don't mean. it makes more sense now. and maybe he should leave it at that, for the sake of everything that's supposed to be important to him. but he's spent too long prioritizing everything he thought was important to him, at the cost of his own wants and desires. he just wants something to be wholly his. even if means leaving himself bare.]
[He's quiet, stiff, waiting for Lavi to speak. It takes long enough that he can't stop himself from cutting his gaze back to him, watching the emotions he feels shift across Lavi's face like waves breaking over sand. He wonders who he's talking to now. Lavi never did answer properly, when he'd asked for his name.
Eventually, he curls his fingers inward. He looks at Lavi, searching his eye, his own expression unreadable.
Simply:]
Do you?
[There's still time for Lavi to take it back. To admit that he's bound to his duty after all, that despite all the pain it causes him, he loves his clan and his role above all else. It's not like Kanda's ready for much anyway. He would've let all of this pass unspoken if his thoughts hadn't slipped out, and simply pulled back and shut himself away, safely isolated once again. That won't change so easily. And even when it does...
Kanda might forgive him tonight. But he won't a second time.]
[Lavi recognizes the question for what it is, an offer to turn away, and maybe -- a form of freedom in of itself. To go back to who he's supposed to be, who he was for sixteen years. The corners of his lips curl up, rueful. It's another offer at freedom, isn't it? No matter if it's cloaked in distrust or doubt, it's not as if Lavi has proven himself, and yet. It stings too. It would hurt more to be asked, but it would hurt worse if Kanda had demanded -- if he had reached over and refused to let him go, holding onto the Lavi he thinks is real.
He doesn't know if he can be that "Lavi" for Kanda. He doesn't even know if Kanda will want him to be anything. Maybe further down the line they'll both retreat from each other, or they'll both choose something else. Maybe the war will finally take everything from Yuu, and maybe the clan will take everything they're owed from Bookman Jr, and they'll both have nothing left over for the other.
Lavi meets Kanda's gaze, thinks of how even his own face is a secret, the eyepatch still hiding parts of him he's not ready to show.
But... still. This isn't about someone else's feelings this time. He's spent such a long time thinking about other people's feelings, making space for them because he can't occupy any. This isn't about getting Kanda to believe him or trust him. This is just about... him. The person he really is. The child, deeply afraid and full of doubt of his life's purpose, the scornful adult afraid to see the world, the very ordinary boy with his very ordinary likes and dislikes,]
Stupid.
[it sounds like he's calling Kanda that, and maybe he is, but it's directed at himself too]
I said I'd make the same choice before, because I thought that was the best way to save you. I wasn't making that choice for anyone, or for anything else.
[but he won't deny what the choice feels like to kanda, especially when he thinks -- if their positions were reversed, that Kanda might have chosen to join him. I thought I'd die at the end of the ritual. and then he'd woken up and seen all the dead around him instead. he'd made himself a martyr for absolutely zero reasons, to do a job anyone else could have done just as well. and as much as he regrets it now.... he'd still choose that irrational decision over the logical one. he rubs at his face, feeling a little dizzy from exhaustion and fear and relief and grief.
There's time to take it back. ...But there's really no time at all. Not when taking it back would be a lie, not when he's already like this, for this person. He cannot choose the clan if he cannot devote himself to them. but in the same vein, he can choose anyone, and devote himself to them instead.]
I said I wanted to be with you. Those feelings haven't changed.
[he can hide those feelings away if they're not wanted or needed. but he won't hide them and say he chose something else instead.]
[He looks at Lavi as Lavi speaks, his gaze as unrelenting as ever. He ignores anything that might come through the lingering mental and emotional connections, watching his face instead. Hearing what he says, and what he doesn't say. And all the while, searching his own heart--wondering if this is enough.
Kanda doesn't know how to love with anything less than everything. That's the crux of it all. But he doesn't even know if he's capable of that a third time. And really, Lavi hasn't even asked him for anything but tolerance. Kanda's the one who'd thought that, maybe, after everything, he could try.
...
He doesn't relax, because Kanda so rarely relaxes. And when he speaks again, his tone is still a little grouchy. But it's much closer to his normal griping, with far less heat than he'd had a moment ago. Less hurt, even though Kanda hid that to begin with.]
I told you not to die like an idiot.
[He'd thought the same thing. When they'd voted to use the rocks to protect the final five, he'd thought it meant that once they were sacrificed, they'd wake up safely on the other side. Before then, he'd thought--no, he'd been afraid. He'd been so afraid that whoever was left behind would be gone for good. And then, with the break-in, when he'd thought Lavi had listened, that he'd made over, only to find out it was all a trick, that he'd been relieved for nothing--it hurt worse than the fire. It's why he'd never written to clarify when his request for Lavi to join him had shifted from a practical need for assistance to a personal desire. Why even now, he harbors some resentment towards Nehan and Scien.
He won't extend grace and maturity to them. He doesn't owe them anything. But Lavi... Lavi is different. He has been for a long time.]
[in contrast, Lavi selfishly looks for everything -- Kanda's expression, his voice, his phrasing, his emotions, his thoughts. He wants to know, even now. He can't help that part of his nature, endlessly curious. He just never thought he'd go from wanting to know the entire world, to wanting to know one person.
No. He knew he'd be capable, he just thought he'd never take that leap.]
I know. You said you'd kill me if I did.
[his expression is overwhelmingly fond, which shouldn't be normal, but it is -- because the threats and violence are parts of Kanda he's come to like too, in all the time he's known him. It's their way. It always has been.]
...What about now?
[He's alive now yes, but he's still been a pretty big idiot. Does one part cancel out the other?]
[What about now, indeed. He supposes it's possible that this could all fall to pieces, that they find out in a few hours they failed and they're all going to die here anyway. But it's not like that's any different than their usual lives to begin with.
Tonight, of all nights, he thinks he has the right to lash out as much as he wants. He could come up with a thousand reasons to beat Lavi into the ground, and Lavi would probably only be right about half of them. He really is an idiot in so many ways.
But Kanda knew that.]
...My seal fixed my memories. [He says, instead of an answer. As an answer.] I'm not heading back to the Order yet.
[So... it wouldn't be the same sort of break he'd offered Lavi, certainly not the same freedom--but it wouldn't quite be back where they started, either.]
[It's not the same offer, but Lavi hadn't exactly wanted that freedom anyway, though he'll always treasure being given that choice. As for this one, he tilts his head to the side, a sense of relief unfurling from him at the mention that Kanda's memories are back to normal.]
...Are we going back to Allen?
[It's the answer that makes the most sense, from what he's learned from Kanda here. And of course, Lavi's not opposed to either. He's worried about the other boy, especially after everything he's heard second-hand. Thought, that would mean...
[...If they're going back to that exact moment is Apocryphos going to be hanging around. Hm. Well. They can deal with that when they get there he guesses,
More importantly:]
Why didn't you use it before... [BINCH CAN YOU DO EVEN ONE THING HE TELLS YOU TO!!! WHAT IF YOU'D MCDIED AND LOST THE WISH HUH]
[CAN YOU TELL HIM ABOUT APOCRYPHOS BINCH LAVI HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE GONNA BE WALKING INTO!!!! which hilariously is tied into what he's about to say next, having no idea how relevant it is to real life right now --
his gaze flicks to Kanda's arms, covered as always, then up at Kanda.]
I was thinking about using it for the Innocence instead. Make it so that it can't control or manipulate the accommodator.
[at least not without CONSENT!!! he has been sitting on this idea for a bit but hasn't actually committed to making it because so much has been going on and because he wanted to bring it up with Kanda first,
he's conflicted because he is still worried very much about Bookman, and he always will be even if he has to break the tie between them. of course, he could go and track him down and use the wish for the Innocence instead, but. what if he doesn't come back? what if he never sees Kanda again? (he has no idea how right that is)]
[Lavi is delusional if he thinks this current Kanda, who does not yet have a reason to care about being on the Order's shit list, will let him go hunt down Bookman all by himself--unless he makes a good case for it or just explicitly says it's what he wants, because Kanda isn't INSANE like LUKE even if he'd probably never believe Lavi about wanting to be with him again,,, BUT ANYWAY
There's a flicker of surprise, because it's not what he'd thought Lavi would say, but then again, Kanda is the decisive one between them. It's not unlike Lavi to sit on this and mull it over from multiple angles. The power of having a braincell.
He flexes his fingers, then loosely crosses his arms.]
It might make things more dangerous.
[They've had their asses saved by Allen's Innocence controlling his body..... but Allen had also attacked the Thirds against his will, so. Maybe it balances out.]
[STOP LISTEN HE ASSUMES KANDA WILL GO WITH HIM IF HE SAID THEY SHOULD FIND BOOKMAN FIRST. it really is just a question of what's more important to do right away -- which ties into his wish too.
But Kanda has a point too -- he can still recall the light flaring out over the ocean. Lenalee would have died then if the Innocence hadn't chosen to save her.]
The Innocence changed your memories.
[even though Kanda's seal healed the attempt, how many others are similarly inflicted? and more importantly,]
And you're in danger from it even now.
[he doesn't need to see the scars again to confirm it -- he has prior evidence to draw from. Suman falling, because he helped the enemy and betrayed the Order. No matter if he was doing it for the daughter he loved -- the Innocence hadn't cared. How much will it care now -- will it see Allen as anything more than an enemy that Kanda is trying to save?]
[He would and then he'd explode and die which would be super funny
But at those words, Kanda stills, his gaze cutting back to Lavi. He's quiet for a while, and though his expression is unreadable, his emotions twist and churn through the connection. Muted, still, because he's himself, but... not oblivious, or unmoved.]
You're supposed to use it for yourself, idiot.
[He thinks of Yuffie telling about writing to Lavi--encouraging him to be selfish, for once in his life. He has the chance to do that now, with something far more powerful than Kanda, or the Order, or his clan, could ever offer him. Anything he could dream of, and he wants to waste it like this? On him? That can't be right.]
He's heard this before from a number of people every time he's brought up the wish -- every suggestion met with a pointed one -- a reminder that it's his wish, his feelings, his desires. But Lavi's known that from the beginning -- it's not a desire to be selfless that motivates him now, it's not a lack of want or desire.
He meets Kanda's gaze, brows slightly raised, the corner of his mouth quirking up just a little. He can be selfish too -- he's being very selfish right now, in fact. He's following the pull of his heart in a single direction, and it's beating too hard and fast to match the semblance of calm on his face.]
That's what I'm doing.
[he's using it for himself. he can make a wish for Kanda because it's what he wants, and isn't that the whole point of being selfish?
though if Lavi really wants to be selfish the way Kanda wants him to be, then he can go a little farther, he can move a little closer. he can close the gap between them in one smooth, quick movement, and press his lips against Kanda's -- feather-light and warm -- and let it linger for how many heartbeats he can have.
[Anyway yeah he pulls out Mugen and stabs Lavi, perma-killing him forever
No okay he doesn't do that. In the beginning, before all of this, he would have--even after Alma, and even with everything that already existed between them, Kanda would have pulled away.
But that was two months ago. Before the sunrise and impossible choices and admissions of forbidden grief and desire. Before Lavi's mask had broken, piece by piece, until Kanda had no choice but to perceive the depths of Lavi's attachment to him. I want to be with you, Lavi had said--and with each passing day of separation, Kanda had been forced to admit, if only to himself, that he might want that too. For the first time since Alma, he's seen someone smile in the darkness, and known peace for it.
It's dangerous, and foolish, and the mere wanting has already caused Lavi so much grief and pain--but what could either of them have that wouldn't be steeped in suffering anyway?
He doesn't stab him. Instead, he rests an open palm on Lavi's chest--lingering for as many beats as it takes to remind Lavi that he has a heart, before he shoves him lightly back, just a little. He leaves his hand there as he searches Lavi's face, assessing.]
...This is the name you want?
[The records, the clan, his sense of identity--all of that is Lavi's to sort out. There's nothing Kanda can do for him there. But what he can do is this: hold onto the version of the person before him, regardless of who he might become. He can take the heart Lavi shouldn't have. (He doesn't have his own anyway.)]
[Lavi can't not feel his heart now, just like how he can't not feel Kanda's hand pressed against his chest, solid and warm, present and real. He's wanted to feel Kanda like this since he showed up as an apparition, since he died, no -- even longer. He doesn't know when Kanda will pull back and resume their usual distance, but he knows now that he doesn't want him to. He reaches up to press his hand over Kanda's, as if to keep him there.]
...Yeah.
[It's a simple, straightforward question, and yet -- also terrifying? But Lavi answers regardless, holding it out in exchange for Kanda's probing stare, trying to at least give him this -- honesty and the truth. Both things Lavi isn't used to giving, but he's found it less and less difficult to do over the years, and now these two months.
His lips curl into a smile, something cheeky and also a little shy,]
I wanna hear you say it.
[whether it's the usual nickname, or the one he has now. the one who knows Kanda, and thus, is the one he wants to keep.]
[I wish that could be a real tag but unfortunately Kanda doesn't know what cakeverse is
What he does know is that a good number of people here care a lot about his usage of their names. From Yuffie, who'd been annoyed by his dumb word choice, to Caelus, who'd taken it as a deeply personal slight. They've all ascribed so much meaning to what he says, regardless of what he does. And it's not like Kanda doesn't get it. He simply doesn't care.
He cares now, though. For Lavi, he cares.
He can't say it's not a little tempting to deny him anyway. There's a part of him that takes pleasure in being mean in little ways, on those rare occasions when he has both the time and inclination to mess around. He could lean back, say We can't always get what we want, Stupid Rabbit, or something along those lines. But Lavi's hand is warm over his, Lavi's heart still beating steadily against his palm. He thinks of everything Lavi has done for him, week after week after week in this miserable place. Everything he's doing right now, down to the curve of his smile, so very real for once. All of that matters so much more than his urge to bully.
Besides, it's not like this is some difficult request. Kanda knows exactly who he's been speaking to all along--who the man before him will always be, no matter what the future holds.
So, very simply:]
Lavi.
[Let it never be said that Kanda doesn't repay his debts.]
[It doesn't solve everything. It's not the magical answer to who he is and who he has to be. It's not a vow of love or the soft murmur of sweet words or even a crystal clear promise.
But it's there. It's present and real. More real than a line etched in ink, than the beginning and end of a record. He's never needed much to work with before -- so what else does he need at this very moment? What else does he need besides Yuu saying his name, going along with his whims for once? Lavi smiles back at Kanda again, the burst of happiness reflected in the curve of his mouth, his only visible eye, the swell of his emotions.
At any moment, he'll have to let go -- at any moment, they'll return to their usual, something Lavi doesn't really mind, because he's come to treasure that too.
So he really only has a moment to do something else he wants, which is to lean in and kiss Kanda again, less feather-light and more resolute, reminiscent of the way Lavi always likes to push his luck. If he had to pick and choose which parts of himself to keep, then he'd keep this, for as long as it brings him closer to the person sitting in front of him.]
[I just realized they never actually made it to the baths so they're both all gross THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC
But they're exorcists so whatever... Kanda "canonically walks into town covered in Akuma blood" certainly doesn't care. He's far more interested in the emotions he can sense from Lavi--Lavi, who is so much more expressive than he is, but so accustomed to his persona, so afraid of giving up the lies. Like this, Kanda doesn't have to wonder if he's looking at a mask. And he... well, okay, he wouldn't worry about his own attitude anyway, but it is nice to know that Lavi can feel all the things Kanda can't, or, won't, talk about. The affection, even wrapped in uncertainty as it is; the lack of discomfort over Lavi being in his space, beyond the trust shared between exorcists--bordering on contentment at having him near.
For two months, Kanda's hated every invasive element and effect native to this town. But just this once, he can appreciate it.
His attempts at kissing back are hesitant and awkward, but through the connection, it's clear that it isn't because of lingering hurt or anger, or even a lack of interest, though his is, unsurprisingly, much more lowkey than Lavi's (at least for now). There's just only so much he can know through hearsay, after all. AND HE ISN'T AN OTOME LIKE LUKE so he doesn't get any natural skill points. Luckily he also doesn't care that Lavi has kissed half the game... we're never going to know the answer to the jealousy question now that Lavi has permission to be even more obsessed than he already was]
[tempted to turn this into a bang thread where lavi tops to defy chat
THEY'RE REALLY DOING THIS ALL GROSS AND SWEATY!!!! But Lavi doesn't care either, even if there's still probably some dried blood on his face... He's too focused on Kanda, on the warmth of his breath and the shape of his lips and the pulse of his affection, uncertain and full of trust. Lavi's endeared by the way he's kissing him back, by the fact that he even is in the first place, and more. A thrill buzzes within him with every soft brush, no matter how hesitant or awkward. The joy of this moment feels nearly tangible. It is tangible, like a banked fire, building and building and building --
Yuu.
The thought forms and scatters, beating constantly in the background. There's want and affection of course -- but they're eclipsed quickly by the desire, with every swipe of tongue and soft nip of teeth. Lavi licks the bottom of Kanda's lip, half to tease and mostly to encourage. He's not so much pushing as he is getting lost in the rhythm of whatever pace Kanda wants to set, wildly satisfied and at the same time hungry for more. Yuu. Yuu. Yuu.
Hungry... and horny............... There is unfortunately So Much Horny, but at least it's being contained by how interesting Lavi finds Kanda's mouth right now??????]
[THEY CAN'T DO THAT WHERE STSG MIGHT WALK BY AND START TAKING BETS
But even though Kanda guards his space so viciously, and for all that he's shown zero interest in anyone until now, it's not because he has a blanket aversion to touch. Like an imperious cat, he decides who is allowed near him, and what they're permitted to do, and for precisely how long. Even Lavi, who gleefully toes the line so often, gets away with warning swipes; if Kanda had ever truly wanted him to stop for good, Lavi would have known it.
The same holds true now--Kanda is very sure that Lavi knows Kanda will end this when he wants to, that every passing moment is a conscious choice to keep kissing Lavi and bask in his affection. Lavi's desire spills through, a lesson in its own right for a man like Kanda. And maybe Kanda should be flattered that Lavi's want is unwaveringly strong even in the face of Kanda's inexperience, but he has no idea he should care about that... besides, Lavi knew what he was getting into. He gets no mercy points!!
But he can at least have Kanda's lips parting to let him in, even if it's mostly out of reflex. And he can have Kanda's fingers curling lightly into his shirt as Kanda relaxes just a little, coaxed into letting go of some of his ever-present tension. Lavi may be teasing and testing the waters with every hint of teeth and tongue, but he's also giving Kanda unspoken direction to do the same to him, and Kanda has no reason not to follow his lead. AT LEAST HE KNOWS NOT TO BITE TOO HARD he's not feral... mostly... but all bets are off once he gets used to this, so Lavi had better make sure he doesn't lose that scarf.
Unfortunately for Lavi, Kanda is not so easily swept up yet--not after a long day of god-killing, and especially not so soon after they'd decided to try... whatever this is. Kanda doesn't know the word for it. So while he's fine with making out for a little while, eventually he reaches up to grab Lavi's face and jerk him backward. SMUSHES HIS CHEEKS RUDELY]
Lavi looks back at him with his face in Kanda's loving grip, the hazy look in his eye fading away with every confused blink. The advantage(?) of emotion share is that Kanda can feel Lavi's horniness recede in real time... DOES IT DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY? NO.... but it does go down at a more manageable level -- giving precedence to his other emotions, which is just his bass boosted AFFECTION AND FONDNESS. Those aren't going away, unfortunately...
He curls his hand around Kanda's wrist to tug it down just a little,]
Sorry. [HE'S NOT SORRY AT ALL!!!!!
some of his stupidly mischievous energy fades, and he tilts his head to rest his face against Kanda's hand instead,]
...And thanks.
[for hearing him out, for staying with him, for surviving, for being here, for maybe every unsaid thing still beating away within his heart]
[HE CAN FEEL THAT YOU'RE NOT SORRY AND ALSO THAT YOU'RE STILL HORNY!!! But it's fine... from anyone else, such an onslaught of feelings would be overwhelming, something he knows from experience after being sensory-tied to Caelus in the middle of rejecting him. (Not that Caelus was projecting horniness back then, of course.) But he's long since grown desensitized to Lavi's over-the-top behavior, and this is close enough to familiar that it doesn't bother him. If anything, it's better than all of Lavi's cheesy shouts and energetic hugs, because Kanda can feel for himself that it's wholly genuine. And isn't that what he's always preferred?
He lets Lavi lean into his hand for a minute, simply sitting with how it feels to be able to touch him again. Kanda certainly isn't going to become clingy overnight--but they've been apart for so long, and they have no guarantee that they'll make it past tomorrow. This isn't the same as their separate missions, no matter how much Kanda has claimed otherwise.
Like before, his own feelings of affection and contentment are more mellow than Lavi's--but they're undeniably there, and he doesn't try to pretend otherwise. Surely he will take this moment to say something sweet and caring...]
Whatever. [KANDA.] Didn't you say you wanted to go somewhere?
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And then the memory unfolds, and it hurts. It hurts more than the sting of Kanda's thought earlier. It hurts as it all sinks in, as he sees himself through Kanda's eyes -- at this "Lavi". The one who can smile and laugh, whose smile doesn't look ugly. Lavi hates seeing himself, but the memory isn't about him -- it's about Kanda, seeing him. He looks so much better than he'd ever thought he'd be for anyone. Like he could really mean something, like he could be more than just him.
his emotions are a complicated mess -- grief and guilt and hope and affection and something more. he can't put a name to it but it exists nonetheless, no matter what he does now. he puts a hand over his chest, caught between wanting to repress it or just letting him feel it. for once. realizing that it's not about wanting at this point, but that these feelings will happen regardless of what he does or says next. that they're here, and will be.
i just want to be with you.
his grip folds into a fist as the memory fades, the memory of his words echoing in him. don't say things you don't mean. it makes more sense now. and maybe he should leave it at that, for the sake of everything that's supposed to be important to him. but he's spent too long prioritizing everything he thought was important to him, at the cost of his own wants and desires. he just wants something to be wholly his. even if means leaving himself bare.]
I meant what I said.
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Eventually, he curls his fingers inward. He looks at Lavi, searching his eye, his own expression unreadable.
Simply:]
Do you?
[There's still time for Lavi to take it back. To admit that he's bound to his duty after all, that despite all the pain it causes him, he loves his clan and his role above all else. It's not like Kanda's ready for much anyway. He would've let all of this pass unspoken if his thoughts hadn't slipped out, and simply pulled back and shut himself away, safely isolated once again. That won't change so easily. And even when it does...
Kanda might forgive him tonight. But he won't a second time.]
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He doesn't know if he can be that "Lavi" for Kanda. He doesn't even know if Kanda will want him to be anything. Maybe further down the line they'll both retreat from each other, or they'll both choose something else. Maybe the war will finally take everything from Yuu, and maybe the clan will take everything they're owed from Bookman Jr, and they'll both have nothing left over for the other.
Lavi meets Kanda's gaze, thinks of how even his own face is a secret, the eyepatch still hiding parts of him he's not ready to show.
But... still. This isn't about someone else's feelings this time. He's spent such a long time thinking about other people's feelings, making space for them because he can't occupy any. This isn't about getting Kanda to believe him or trust him. This is just about... him. The person he really is. The child, deeply afraid and full of doubt of his life's purpose, the scornful adult afraid to see the world, the very ordinary boy with his very ordinary likes and dislikes,]
Stupid.
[it sounds like he's calling Kanda that, and maybe he is, but it's directed at himself too]
I said I'd make the same choice before, because I thought that was the best way to save you. I wasn't making that choice for anyone, or for anything else.
[but he won't deny what the choice feels like to kanda, especially when he thinks -- if their positions were reversed, that Kanda might have chosen to join him. I thought I'd die at the end of the ritual. and then he'd woken up and seen all the dead around him instead. he'd made himself a martyr for absolutely zero reasons, to do a job anyone else could have done just as well. and as much as he regrets it now.... he'd still choose that irrational decision over the logical one. he rubs at his face, feeling a little dizzy from exhaustion and fear and relief and grief.
There's time to take it back. ...But there's really no time at all. Not when taking it back would be a lie, not when he's already like this, for this person. He cannot choose the clan if he cannot devote himself to them. but in the same vein, he can choose anyone, and devote himself to them instead.]
I said I wanted to be with you. Those feelings haven't changed.
[he can hide those feelings away if they're not wanted or needed. but he won't hide them and say he chose something else instead.]
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Kanda doesn't know how to love with anything less than everything. That's the crux of it all. But he doesn't even know if he's capable of that a third time. And really, Lavi hasn't even asked him for anything but tolerance. Kanda's the one who'd thought that, maybe, after everything, he could try.
...
He doesn't relax, because Kanda so rarely relaxes. And when he speaks again, his tone is still a little grouchy. But it's much closer to his normal griping, with far less heat than he'd had a moment ago. Less hurt, even though Kanda hid that to begin with.]
I told you not to die like an idiot.
[He'd thought the same thing. When they'd voted to use the rocks to protect the final five, he'd thought it meant that once they were sacrificed, they'd wake up safely on the other side. Before then, he'd thought--no, he'd been afraid. He'd been so afraid that whoever was left behind would be gone for good. And then, with the break-in, when he'd thought Lavi had listened, that he'd made over, only to find out it was all a trick, that he'd been relieved for nothing--it hurt worse than the fire. It's why he'd never written to clarify when his request for Lavi to join him had shifted from a practical need for assistance to a personal desire. Why even now, he harbors some resentment towards Nehan and Scien.
He won't extend grace and maturity to them. He doesn't owe them anything. But Lavi... Lavi is different. He has been for a long time.]
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No. He knew he'd be capable, he just thought he'd never take that leap.]
I know. You said you'd kill me if I did.
[his expression is overwhelmingly fond, which shouldn't be normal, but it is -- because the threats and violence are parts of Kanda he's come to like too, in all the time he's known him. It's their way. It always has been.]
...What about now?
[He's alive now yes, but he's still been a pretty big idiot. Does one part cancel out the other?]
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Tonight, of all nights, he thinks he has the right to lash out as much as he wants. He could come up with a thousand reasons to beat Lavi into the ground, and Lavi would probably only be right about half of them. He really is an idiot in so many ways.
But Kanda knew that.]
...My seal fixed my memories. [He says, instead of an answer. As an answer.] I'm not heading back to the Order yet.
[So... it wouldn't be the same sort of break he'd offered Lavi, certainly not the same freedom--but it wouldn't quite be back where they started, either.]
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...Are we going back to Allen?
[It's the answer that makes the most sense, from what he's learned from Kanda here. And of course, Lavi's not opposed to either. He's worried about the other boy, especially after everything he's heard second-hand. Thought, that would mean...
...I should use my wish then.]
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[...If they're going back to that exact moment is Apocryphos going to be hanging around. Hm. Well. They can deal with that when they get there he guesses,
More importantly:]
Why didn't you use it before... [BINCH CAN YOU DO EVEN ONE THING HE TELLS YOU TO!!! WHAT IF YOU'D MCDIED AND LOST THE WISH HUH]
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his gaze flicks to Kanda's arms, covered as always, then up at Kanda.]
I was thinking about using it for the Innocence instead. Make it so that it can't control or manipulate the accommodator.
[at least not without CONSENT!!! he has been sitting on this idea for a bit but hasn't actually committed to making it because so much has been going on and because he wanted to bring it up with Kanda first,
he's conflicted because he is still worried very much about Bookman, and he always will be even if he has to break the tie between them. of course, he could go and track him down and use the wish for the Innocence instead, but. what if he doesn't come back? what if he never sees Kanda again? (he has no idea how right that is)]
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There's a flicker of surprise, because it's not what he'd thought Lavi would say, but then again, Kanda is the decisive one between them. It's not unlike Lavi to sit on this and mull it over from multiple angles. The power of having a braincell.
He flexes his fingers, then loosely crosses his arms.]
It might make things more dangerous.
[They've had their asses saved by Allen's Innocence controlling his body..... but Allen had also attacked the Thirds against his will, so. Maybe it balances out.]
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But Kanda has a point too -- he can still recall the light flaring out over the ocean. Lenalee would have died then if the Innocence hadn't chosen to save her.]
The Innocence changed your memories.
[even though Kanda's seal healed the attempt, how many others are similarly inflicted? and more importantly,]
And you're in danger from it even now.
[he doesn't need to see the scars again to confirm it -- he has prior evidence to draw from. Suman falling, because he helped the enemy and betrayed the Order. No matter if he was doing it for the daughter he loved -- the Innocence hadn't cared. How much will it care now -- will it see Allen as anything more than an enemy that Kanda is trying to save?]
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But at those words, Kanda stills, his gaze cutting back to Lavi. He's quiet for a while, and though his expression is unreadable, his emotions twist and churn through the connection. Muted, still, because he's himself, but... not oblivious, or unmoved.]
You're supposed to use it for yourself, idiot.
[He thinks of Yuffie telling about writing to Lavi--encouraging him to be selfish, for once in his life. He has the chance to do that now, with something far more powerful than Kanda, or the Order, or his clan, could ever offer him. Anything he could dream of, and he wants to waste it like this? On him? That can't be right.]
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He's heard this before from a number of people every time he's brought up the wish -- every suggestion met with a pointed one -- a reminder that it's his wish, his feelings, his desires. But Lavi's known that from the beginning -- it's not a desire to be selfless that motivates him now, it's not a lack of want or desire.
He meets Kanda's gaze, brows slightly raised, the corner of his mouth quirking up just a little. He can be selfish too -- he's being very selfish right now, in fact. He's following the pull of his heart in a single direction, and it's beating too hard and fast to match the semblance of calm on his face.]
That's what I'm doing.
[he's using it for himself. he can make a wish for Kanda because it's what he wants, and isn't that the whole point of being selfish?
though if Lavi really wants to be selfish the way Kanda wants him to be, then he can go a little farther, he can move a little closer. he can close the gap between them in one smooth, quick movement, and press his lips against Kanda's -- feather-light and warm -- and let it linger for how many heartbeats he can have.
that's for himself too, just for him.]
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No okay he doesn't do that. In the beginning, before all of this, he would have--even after Alma, and even with everything that already existed between them, Kanda would have pulled away.
But that was two months ago. Before the sunrise and impossible choices and admissions of forbidden grief and desire. Before Lavi's mask had broken, piece by piece, until Kanda had no choice but to perceive the depths of Lavi's attachment to him. I want to be with you, Lavi had said--and with each passing day of separation, Kanda had been forced to admit, if only to himself, that he might want that too. For the first time since Alma, he's seen someone smile in the darkness, and known peace for it.
It's dangerous, and foolish, and the mere wanting has already caused Lavi so much grief and pain--but what could either of them have that wouldn't be steeped in suffering anyway?
He doesn't stab him. Instead, he rests an open palm on Lavi's chest--lingering for as many beats as it takes to remind Lavi that he has a heart, before he shoves him lightly back, just a little. He leaves his hand there as he searches Lavi's face, assessing.]
...This is the name you want?
[The records, the clan, his sense of identity--all of that is Lavi's to sort out. There's nothing Kanda can do for him there. But what he can do is this: hold onto the version of the person before him, regardless of who he might become. He can take the heart Lavi shouldn't have. (He doesn't have his own anyway.)]
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...Yeah.
[It's a simple, straightforward question, and yet -- also terrifying? But Lavi answers regardless, holding it out in exchange for Kanda's probing stare, trying to at least give him this -- honesty and the truth. Both things Lavi isn't used to giving, but he's found it less and less difficult to do over the years, and now these two months.
His lips curl into a smile, something cheeky and also a little shy,]
I wanna hear you say it.
[whether it's the usual nickname, or the one he has now. the one who knows Kanda, and thus, is the one he wants to keep.]
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What he does know is that a good number of people here care a lot about his usage of their names. From Yuffie, who'd been annoyed by his dumb word choice, to Caelus, who'd taken it as a deeply personal slight. They've all ascribed so much meaning to what he says, regardless of what he does. And it's not like Kanda doesn't get it. He simply doesn't care.
He cares now, though. For Lavi, he cares.
He can't say it's not a little tempting to deny him anyway. There's a part of him that takes pleasure in being mean in little ways, on those rare occasions when he has both the time and inclination to mess around. He could lean back, say We can't always get what we want, Stupid Rabbit, or something along those lines. But Lavi's hand is warm over his, Lavi's heart still beating steadily against his palm. He thinks of everything Lavi has done for him, week after week after week in this miserable place. Everything he's doing right now, down to the curve of his smile, so very real for once. All of that matters so much more than his urge to bully.
Besides, it's not like this is some difficult request. Kanda knows exactly who he's been speaking to all along--who the man before him will always be, no matter what the future holds.
So, very simply:]
Lavi.
[Let it never be said that Kanda doesn't repay his debts.]
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But it's there. It's present and real. More real than a line etched in ink, than the beginning and end of a record. He's never needed much to work with before -- so what else does he need at this very moment? What else does he need besides Yuu saying his name, going along with his whims for once? Lavi smiles back at Kanda again, the burst of happiness reflected in the curve of his mouth, his only visible eye, the swell of his emotions.
At any moment, he'll have to let go -- at any moment, they'll return to their usual, something Lavi doesn't really mind, because he's come to treasure that too.
So he really only has a moment to do something else he wants, which is to lean in and kiss Kanda again, less feather-light and more resolute, reminiscent of the way Lavi always likes to push his luck. If he had to pick and choose which parts of himself to keep, then he'd keep this, for as long as it brings him closer to the person sitting in front of him.]
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But they're exorcists so whatever... Kanda "canonically walks into town covered in Akuma blood" certainly doesn't care. He's far more interested in the emotions he can sense from Lavi--Lavi, who is so much more expressive than he is, but so accustomed to his persona, so afraid of giving up the lies. Like this, Kanda doesn't have to wonder if he's looking at a mask. And he... well, okay, he wouldn't worry about his own attitude anyway, but it is nice to know that Lavi can feel all the things Kanda can't, or, won't, talk about. The affection, even wrapped in uncertainty as it is; the lack of discomfort over Lavi being in his space, beyond the trust shared between exorcists--bordering on contentment at having him near.
For two months, Kanda's hated every invasive element and effect native to this town. But just this once, he can appreciate it.
His attempts at kissing back are hesitant and awkward, but through the connection, it's clear that it isn't because of lingering hurt or anger, or even a lack of interest, though his is, unsurprisingly, much more lowkey than Lavi's (at least for now). There's just only so much he can know through hearsay, after all. AND HE ISN'T AN OTOME LIKE LUKE so he doesn't get any natural skill points. Luckily he also doesn't care that Lavi has kissed half the game... we're never going to know the answer to the jealousy question now that Lavi has permission to be even more obsessed than he already was]
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THEY'RE REALLY DOING THIS ALL GROSS AND SWEATY!!!! But Lavi doesn't care either, even if there's still probably some dried blood on his face... He's too focused on Kanda, on the warmth of his breath and the shape of his lips and the pulse of his affection, uncertain and full of trust. Lavi's endeared by the way he's kissing him back, by the fact that he even is in the first place, and more. A thrill buzzes within him with every soft brush, no matter how hesitant or awkward. The joy of this moment feels nearly tangible. It is tangible, like a banked fire, building and building and building --
Yuu.
The thought forms and scatters, beating constantly in the background. There's want and affection of course -- but they're eclipsed quickly by the desire, with every swipe of tongue and soft nip of teeth. Lavi licks the bottom of Kanda's lip, half to tease and mostly to encourage. He's not so much pushing as he is getting lost in the rhythm of whatever pace Kanda wants to set, wildly satisfied and at the same time hungry for more. Yuu. Yuu. Yuu.
Hungry... and horny............... There is unfortunately So Much Horny, but at least it's being contained by how interesting Lavi finds Kanda's mouth right now??????]
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But even though Kanda guards his space so viciously, and for all that he's shown zero interest in anyone until now, it's not because he has a blanket aversion to touch. Like an imperious cat, he decides who is allowed near him, and what they're permitted to do, and for precisely how long. Even Lavi, who gleefully toes the line so often, gets away with warning swipes; if Kanda had ever truly wanted him to stop for good, Lavi would have known it.
The same holds true now--Kanda is very sure that Lavi knows Kanda will end this when he wants to, that every passing moment is a conscious choice to keep kissing Lavi and bask in his affection. Lavi's desire spills through, a lesson in its own right for a man like Kanda. And maybe Kanda should be flattered that Lavi's want is unwaveringly strong even in the face of Kanda's inexperience, but he has no idea he should care about that... besides, Lavi knew what he was getting into. He gets no mercy points!!
But he can at least have Kanda's lips parting to let him in, even if it's mostly out of reflex. And he can have Kanda's fingers curling lightly into his shirt as Kanda relaxes just a little, coaxed into letting go of some of his ever-present tension. Lavi may be teasing and testing the waters with every hint of teeth and tongue, but he's also giving Kanda unspoken direction to do the same to him, and Kanda has no reason not to follow his lead. AT LEAST HE KNOWS NOT TO BITE TOO HARD he's not feral... mostly... but all bets are off once he gets used to this, so Lavi had better make sure he doesn't lose that scarf.
Unfortunately for Lavi, Kanda is not so easily swept up yet--not after a long day of god-killing, and especially not so soon after they'd decided to try... whatever this is. Kanda doesn't know the word for it. So while he's fine with making out for a little while, eventually he reaches up to grab Lavi's face and jerk him backward. SMUSHES HIS CHEEKS RUDELY]
Don't get ahead of yourself, Stupid Rabbit.
[CALM THY HORNY SELF]
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Lavi looks back at him with his face in Kanda's loving grip, the hazy look in his eye fading away with every confused blink. The advantage(?) of emotion share is that Kanda can feel Lavi's horniness recede in real time... DOES IT DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY? NO.... but it does go down at a more manageable level -- giving precedence to his other emotions, which is just his bass boosted AFFECTION AND FONDNESS. Those aren't going away, unfortunately...
He curls his hand around Kanda's wrist to tug it down just a little,]
Sorry. [HE'S NOT SORRY AT ALL!!!!!
some of his stupidly mischievous energy fades, and he tilts his head to rest his face against Kanda's hand instead,]
...And thanks.
[for hearing him out, for staying with him, for surviving, for being here, for maybe every unsaid thing still beating away within his heart]
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He lets Lavi lean into his hand for a minute, simply sitting with how it feels to be able to touch him again. Kanda certainly isn't going to become clingy overnight--but they've been apart for so long, and they have no guarantee that they'll make it past tomorrow. This isn't the same as their separate missions, no matter how much Kanda has claimed otherwise.
Like before, his own feelings of affection and contentment are more mellow than Lavi's--but they're undeniably there, and he doesn't try to pretend otherwise. Surely he will take this moment to say something sweet and caring...]
Whatever. [KANDA.] Didn't you say you wanted to go somewhere?
[LISTEN... he'll get there eventually.]
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