[normally, he'd take this moment to hang off Kanda's incorporeal arm and look at him with his shiny eye, gooey with gratitude, maybe rub it in even more that Kanda cares about him -- (but he'd already known that)
instead, he looks away again, feeling a pang.]
I kept getting back up.
[even though it was hard and he felt the Urge To Give Up, even though that was supposed to be Kanda's job --]
And s'not like it's the first time I've had my ass kicked.
[He knows Lavi is stronger than he leads most people to believe--that he's resilient, both in battle and in spirit, in ways that Kanda's always been able to recognize, even if he's never said it to Lavi himself. But hadn't he said it to others? Wasn't he the one telling them not to worry, that Lavi would be fine?
...But still. It's different here. When they don't have access to their true strength, when they have no clue what the monsters around them are capable of.
(When he's too far away to do anything about it, and yelling through paper isn't enough.)]
[The answer makes him feel prickly, caught between giving the same answer again and snapping back. He thought he'd gotten all his anger out on that piece of paper, or at least he tried to convince himself he had -- just long enough to answer every question with a carefully constructed lie: 'I'm fine. I'm here. I'm still going. Yuu's dead and I'm not, and that's okay.'
[Looks at him sidelong. Considers what to say for a minute. He's so limited in what he can talk about, but... it doesn't really matter for this, does it?]
...You know why.
[Lavi's smart; surely he must understand why Kanda would prefer to leave his body alone for a while, regardless of what they may or may not have at their disposal.]
[He does know why, even though the answer doesn't satisfy him in the least -- even though there's nothing he can say in response. He just remembers that night again and feels the same wave of grief and exhaustion, feels caught between wanting Kanda to be safe and whole and just wanting him to be --]
He reaches over again, butting the heel of his palm against the side of Lavi's head. This one doesn't connect, but at least(?) he'll get to feel a chill.
More quietly:]
Talk about something else.
[They're not here for long. He doesn't want to waste time blipping in and out of existence over questions he can't answer.]
[It's a familiar chill -- he's tried touching the others, only to feel cold in return.But this time it zings through him, all the way through, leaving him cold and bereft, too much like the time he had to run his hands over Kanda, body part after part.
Everything he wants to ask and desperately know about is how Kanda is doing and what he's been doing, anything to override the last image he'll never forget in his head. But he curbs the desire, because they don't have enough time.
And there are things he needs to say that he wouldn't leave in a letter, not after knowing how public they are.]
...I partnered up the weekend you died.
[he's not sure if kanda knows, if the same restriction exists over there that would prevent him from learning.
and maybe he's afraid to learn that kanda does know actually,]
[It's not terribly rare for Kanda to look surprised, but it's unusual enough that this reaction makes it obvious he hadn't known.
He doesn't answer right away, swallowing back his first responses, the ones that would surely have him vanishing again.]
...Why?
[He thinks he can guess, but--he needs to hear it. Lavi needs to say it.
Sure, the risk is probably lower now--so many casualties likely means a number of people without partners. And Lavi is well loved, here. Kanda doesn't need to pay attention to all the romance shenanigans to see that. If something happens, the others will look out for him.
...Still. The thought of Lavi's soul being tied to another person, on top of his monster? He doesn't like it. Despite everything, it's not what he wanted to hear.]
But that's an unfair question, because the decision was so very not like him at the time. The opposite of what "Lavi" would do, especially after they talked about it all those weeks ago. It wasn't something they could trust -- it was too much like what the Earl would offer -- and didn't they know enough where decisions like that would get them?
It's different from telling the others. No one had asked why, everyone had assumed he'd done it to finally have something for himself, that he'd given in and let himself feel long enough to want.
...It's not like they were wrong, so Lavi hadn't dissuaded them. He had given in, he did let himself feel -- he'd given into that rage and terror and grief for the only person who mattered and still matters to him. And now he has to own up to that decision to that very same person,]
For the wish. [...] I wanted to know who killed you.
[That's--not what he expected at all, actually. In fact, it hadn't even occurred to him to consider that possibility. He'd been prepared to hear something like I stepped in to save someone or I was begged by someone I just couldn't say no to. Things that would've been... frustrating, maybe a little bit infuriating, but not necessarily surprising. Lavi cares when he shouldn't, after all. He always has.
And this is... proof of that, too, in a way, but it's not--he'd never--
If he looked surprised before, he's stunned into silence now. It's not emotionshare anymore, but it wouldn't matter even if it was, because his heart can't settle, he can't decide how to feel--whether he should be furious or touched or something else entirely.
Being angry is easy, so naturally, he lashes out first, though his shock colors his tone, making him sound more agitated than pissed off.]
[Maybe it is stupid, incredibly, inexorably stupid -- especially after everything Lavi said about wanting to stay alive -- all his thoughts that were turned incessantly towards the clan and saving a legacy full of records and history, because the Bookman clan is still the most important thing to him --
so important that he barely gave it a passing thought when he made his decision, because it turns out -- there are things more important to him than all the immutable truths he's grown up with -- and they all have to do with the person standing right here --]
You died.
[the agitation he can hear in Kanda's voice spurs his own,]
You died and I didn't know who or even why! I can accept that for anyone else, hell I did accept that -- but not for you.
[he swallows past the ache in his throat, his chest]
[accept this, but he can't say that, can he? Not after--
--but does that matter? Especially now? Why should Kanda care about being fair or logical? He doesn't, not when Lavi is right here saying for you with so much more emotion than he's supposed to have.
He cuts himself off, frustrated.]
Tell me who.
[Who Lavi partnered with--who he's tied to, now, in these final hours before it could all go to shit.]
[he takes a breath, feels the air whoosh into his lungs and out and feels not even a little bit centered or calm from the action. he feels even more rattled when Kanda says 'Tell me who' -- he wants to cringe away from the request, but the words fall from him anyway.]
Kate. She was my match.
[there's a tinge of hysteria to his voice,]
She told me that week that it might be her, and I was gonna say no. And then you... [he swallows] So I went to her and said I wanted to partner up and she asked why -- and that's when she told me it was her.
[he can see it again in his mind's eye -- kate pulling down her hood to show her curved horns, the absolute shock that must have been on his expression. the shock and the fear and the rage, the desire to cut her down because she killed Yuu and I hadn't known and the despair because he can stake his life for Kanda but apparently, he can't go any farther -- ]
She told me the truth, and I partnered with her anyway.
[I stepped in to save her or I just couldn't say no, but at its core -- the same reason. Lavi's treacherous heart, making another decision.]
[Lavi says it like it's a betrayal, and maybe Kanda should see it that way too. Maybe it should feel like Allen being a Noah, or Suman Falling--or like waking up on a cold table with fractured memories of love and death and that hateful blue sky filtering through his mind.
But all he can think of is:]
How are you still--?
[He remembers someone else checking in on him, asking if he was worried about Lavi. The way he'd had to admit that he didn't know if Lavi had partnered up or not, whether he was in danger or not--but he'd thought it would be a product of Lavi's insatiable curiosity, not that he'd--
But hadn't the rulebook said that partners would die? So how is Lavi still on this side?]
[isn't it a betrayal? the only other person Lavi had confided in with his fears -- they said it hadn't been, but Lavi couldn't think of it that way. It wasn't only Kate's life and wish, it was Kanda's too -- it was Yuu's life, broken and twisted by the monster and this ritual and the cult, without even the proper chance to fight back the way he would have, if he had been whole.
so he braces himself for anger -- utterly justified -- and he pauses, momentarily confused -- and then the realization. that of course Kanda would ask this, knowing what they know]
Widowed partners die on Sunday, unless they find another widow to partner up with.
[and Lavi had been so tempted to let the weekend pass, had wished no one else had known or guessed that he was partners with Kate, had wanted to follow, despite Kate's objections.
but what would Kanda have said if he did?]
I asked Camille. Astarion was her match.
[there had been a split second of wondering when Lavi had asked, if it would really work with Camille, because if it hadn't then Lavi would have died for sure. but it had, and it made Lavi realize that 'ah, Camille was never safe from anything after all' and that he'd dragged her back into it all over again.]
[Bound to a monster? It was even more of a waste of time than they'd thought?
Any other time, this would take his full attention. He's always so focused on missions, after all, and this might as well be one. He should be furious with the four who resurrected her all over again, spiteful in being proven right.
But honestly--right now, he can't find it in himself to care. Not beyond what it means for Lavi.
He digs his nails into his palms and crosses his arms over his chest, looking away.]
Idiot. [He probably shouldn't be mad, really, not after some of the things he'd said. But he is, and not even for the "right" reasons, the ones that Lavi is afraid of. Except, he's terrible with words. Even if he could say everything he wanted to, he wouldn't know how. There are too many contradictions to contend with, too many things he doesn't have the time to untangle.] ...Don't waste it.
[If he blows his wish on something sappy and emotional, Kanda will come back from the dead just to kick his ass.]
Lavi watches Kanda, because he always is watching him, even when he's afraid of what he might see or hear. He sees the tension in Kanda's fingers, and then his crossed arms, and the tilt of his head as he looks away.
he takes in a quick breath when he does.
'i know' he wants to say. he knows that this wish could mean anything and everything, and that so many people who have died would know what to use theirs for. instead,]
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he expected the punch but not for it to make CONTACT?? he immediately grabs his side]
Oh c'mon -- I should be punching you!
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You deserve it.
[RUDE]
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he can't even say anything to this because it's true, damn.]
...Yeah, I know. I couldn't figure it out, even though the answer was right there in front of me.
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he looks away.....]
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Then what?
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[Not that he CARES about your WELL-BEING or anything tch]
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instead, he looks away again, feeling a pang.]
I kept getting back up.
[even though it was hard and he felt the Urge To Give Up, even though that was supposed to be Kanda's job --]
And s'not like it's the first time I've had my ass kicked.
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[He knows Lavi is stronger than he leads most people to believe--that he's resilient, both in battle and in spirit, in ways that Kanda's always been able to recognize, even if he's never said it to Lavi himself. But hadn't he said it to others? Wasn't he the one telling them not to worry, that Lavi would be fine?
...But still. It's different here. When they don't have access to their true strength, when they have no clue what the monsters around them are capable of.
(When he's too far away to do anything about it, and yelling through paper isn't enough.)]
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Like it ever was okay. Like it's okay now.
He grits his teeth,]
Why didn't you heal your ear?
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...You know why.
[Lavi's smart; surely he must understand why Kanda would prefer to leave his body alone for a while, regardless of what they may or may not have at their disposal.]
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...Is it really safer over there?
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He reaches over again, butting the heel of his palm against the side of Lavi's head. This one doesn't connect, but at least(?) he'll get to feel a chill.
More quietly:]
Talk about something else.
[They're not here for long. He doesn't want to waste time blipping in and out of existence over questions he can't answer.]
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Everything he wants to ask and desperately know about is how Kanda is doing and what he's been doing, anything to override the last image he'll never forget in his head. But he curbs the desire, because they don't have enough time.
And there are things he needs to say that he wouldn't leave in a letter, not after knowing how public they are.]
...I partnered up the weekend you died.
[he's not sure if kanda knows, if the same restriction exists over there that would prevent him from learning.
and maybe he's afraid to learn that kanda does know actually,]
I haven't made my wish yet.
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He doesn't answer right away, swallowing back his first responses, the ones that would surely have him vanishing again.]
...Why?
[He thinks he can guess, but--he needs to hear it. Lavi needs to say it.
Sure, the risk is probably lower now--so many casualties likely means a number of people without partners. And Lavi is well loved, here. Kanda doesn't need to pay attention to all the romance shenanigans to see that. If something happens, the others will look out for him.
...Still. The thought of Lavi's soul being tied to another person, on top of his monster? He doesn't like it. Despite everything, it's not what he wanted to hear.]
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But that's an unfair question, because the decision was so very not like him at the time. The opposite of what "Lavi" would do, especially after they talked about it all those weeks ago. It wasn't something they could trust -- it was too much like what the Earl would offer -- and didn't they know enough where decisions like that would get them?
It's different from telling the others. No one had asked why, everyone had assumed he'd done it to finally have something for himself, that he'd given in and let himself feel long enough to want.
...It's not like they were wrong, so Lavi hadn't dissuaded them. He had given in, he did let himself feel -- he'd given into that rage and terror and grief for the only person who mattered and still matters to him. And now he has to own up to that decision to that very same person,]
For the wish. [...] I wanted to know who killed you.
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And this is... proof of that, too, in a way, but it's not--he'd never--
If he looked surprised before, he's stunned into silence now. It's not emotionshare anymore, but it wouldn't matter even if it was, because his heart can't settle, he can't decide how to feel--whether he should be furious or touched or something else entirely.
Being angry is easy, so naturally, he lashes out first, though his shock colors his tone, making him sound more agitated than pissed off.]
Stupid--you risked your damn life for that?
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so important that he barely gave it a passing thought when he made his decision, because it turns out -- there are things more important to him than all the immutable truths he's grown up with -- and they all have to do with the person standing right here --]
You died.
[the agitation he can hear in Kanda's voice spurs his own,]
You died and I didn't know who or even why! I can accept that for anyone else, hell I did accept that -- but not for you.
[he swallows past the ache in his throat, his chest]
Never for you.
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[accept this, but he can't say that, can he? Not after--
--but does that matter? Especially now? Why should Kanda care about being fair or logical? He doesn't, not when Lavi is right here saying for you with so much more emotion than he's supposed to have.
He cuts himself off, frustrated.]
Tell me who.
[Who Lavi partnered with--who he's tied to, now, in these final hours before it could all go to shit.]
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Kate. She was my match.
[there's a tinge of hysteria to his voice,]
She told me that week that it might be her, and I was gonna say no. And then you... [he swallows] So I went to her and said I wanted to partner up and she asked why -- and that's when she told me it was her.
[he can see it again in his mind's eye -- kate pulling down her hood to show her curved horns, the absolute shock that must have been on his expression. the shock and the fear and the rage, the desire to cut her down because she killed Yuu and I hadn't known and the despair because he can stake his life for Kanda but apparently, he can't go any farther -- ]
She told me the truth, and I partnered with her anyway.
[I stepped in to save her or I just couldn't say no, but at its core -- the same reason. Lavi's treacherous heart, making another decision.]
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But all he can think of is:]
How are you still--?
[He remembers someone else checking in on him, asking if he was worried about Lavi. The way he'd had to admit that he didn't know if Lavi had partnered up or not, whether he was in danger or not--but he'd thought it would be a product of Lavi's insatiable curiosity, not that he'd--
But hadn't the rulebook said that partners would die? So how is Lavi still on this side?]
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so he braces himself for anger -- utterly justified -- and he pauses, momentarily confused -- and then the realization. that of course Kanda would ask this, knowing what they know]
Widowed partners die on Sunday, unless they find another widow to partner up with.
[and Lavi had been so tempted to let the weekend pass, had wished no one else had known or guessed that he was partners with Kate, had wanted to follow, despite Kate's objections.
but what would Kanda have said if he did?]
I asked Camille. Astarion was her match.
[there had been a split second of wondering when Lavi had asked, if it would really work with Camille, because if it hadn't then Lavi would have died for sure. but it had, and it made Lavi realize that 'ah, Camille was never safe from anything after all' and that he'd dragged her back into it all over again.]
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He blinks, momentarily distracted.]
So she was still--
[Bound to a monster? It was even more of a waste of time than they'd thought?
Any other time, this would take his full attention. He's always so focused on missions, after all, and this might as well be one. He should be furious with the four who resurrected her all over again, spiteful in being proven right.
But honestly--right now, he can't find it in himself to care. Not beyond what it means for Lavi.
He digs his nails into his palms and crosses his arms over his chest, looking away.]
Idiot. [He probably shouldn't be mad, really, not after some of the things he'd said. But he is, and not even for the "right" reasons, the ones that Lavi is afraid of. Except, he's terrible with words. Even if he could say everything he wanted to, he wouldn't know how. There are too many contradictions to contend with, too many things he doesn't have the time to untangle.] ...Don't waste it.
[If he blows his wish on something sappy and emotional, Kanda will come back from the dead just to kick his ass.]
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Lavi watches Kanda, because he always is watching him, even when he's afraid of what he might see or hear. He sees the tension in Kanda's fingers, and then his crossed arms, and the tilt of his head as he looks away.
he takes in a quick breath when he does.
'i know' he wants to say. he knows that this wish could mean anything and everything, and that so many people who have died would know what to use theirs for. instead,]
I still don't know what to use it for.
[he'd only known when Kanda died,]
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