[He settles a little more comfortably on the ground, though his emotions are anything but.]
We were discussing it as a group at first. I said I'd be fine with staying or dying. But a lot of people said the same thing. We weren't getting anywhere, so Mumu suggested we do a vote. We each put in three names, and she'd figure out the results. ...She said that it had to be people who can take responsibility, no matter what happens.
...So I put Suguru and Satoru's names down, and also mine. And so did a lot of people.
[at this point, he longer feels guilty about not choosing other names. the only guilt he feels is knowing that his choice wasn't what Kanda wanted,]
[He listens quietly as Lavi talks, his own emotions still... well. Locked down, mostly, but otherwise just carefully blank, like the still surface of a pond. Partially because they're safe and the mission is mostly over, but mostly because he's had a little time to cool off since he'd realized the odds were tipping toward Lavi staying behind. He'd told Aerith, hadn't he? He'll stay, if it seems like they need him. It wasn't surprising that Lavi had opted to follow his sense of duty. He would've chosen to stay too. His agitation at being left in the dark had shifted into resignation and grim understanding, and then been cast aside completely in favor of focusing on the task at hand.
...It just hurts a little, is all. Lavi had said I want to be with you--and then said, essentially, but not enough.
But there's no way Kanda would ever say anything like that, especially not when he just feels foolish for thinking to expect anything else. So he just takes it in with muted emotions and thoughts alike.]
We used some of the rocks to make sure they can't target our worlds again. So the cultists that got away shouldn't matter.
[Lavi looks at Kanda, relying on his more traditional means, rather than the emotion and thought shares that have come back this week with a vengeance. He hears what Kanda says next and should feel some measure of relief about it, because he had thought of that too -- what they should do with the cultists themselves and at the time it seemed important. Lavi had been of the opinion of killing them all, just to make sure.
but it doesn't feel important now. none of it does, the cult or the ritual or everything that's led up to it. what was the point of it all again?
he looks down at Kanda's hand. no. that's not the right question. The point of it all is right here.]
...Sorry.
[he'd already apologized, but this is for something else]
If I could go back and choose again... then I'd still make the same choice.
[It's not even really about the choice, in the end. He never would've expected Lavi to choose differently... until the past few weeks. Until he'd seen Lavi distraught and furious over someone attempting to frame him, until he'd watched from afar as Lavi screamed and sobbed, more devastated than he'd even thought him capable of, until Lavi had told him what he was willing to do to learn the truth, until--
Don't say things you don't mean.
He hates Lavi's lies the most. Especially when even he can't see through them.]
[The thought rings through Lavi's head, knocking him off-guard. It feels a little like Kanda's punched him again. Which is foolish, because Lavi always says things he doesn't mean all the time to so many people, and he'll keep on saying those things tonight and tomorrow and in the future to whoever else he'll meet.
But he hadn't expected to hear that from Kanda. Everyone else is one thing, but Kanda is -- It takes a beat for him to realize that Kanda hadn't said that out loud, and that it was a thought shared instead.
...'i haven't lied to you.'. except he has, in all their years of knowing. all the little lies lavi tells.
he grits his teeth and tries again, because he doesn't care about those little lies, and he doesn't think Kanda cares, or maybe that's just him hoping,]
[His brow dips slightly in confusion, until he realizes that thought slipped out--then his face shifts into irritation.]
Nothing.
[It's not nothing--he's sure Lavi knows that. He's primed to ruthlessly shut him down the second he tries to argue or snap back, because neither this place nor Lavi can force him to talk or stop him from walking away if he wants to.
But it can drag all the deepest parts of him out into the light--all the things he so rarely shares with anyone, even the people who make up his "family." And, as if responding to Kanda's desire to lock himself away and place them squarely back where they started, it does just that, plucking out a memory.
It's not an old one, nor is it unfamiliar. It's the very same conversation they had last week, when Kanda was still intangible and incapable of saying most of the things he'd wanted to. But this time, Lavi gets to live it through Kanda's perspective. To see Lavi through the lens of the years spent slowly warming up to him, strengthened most by those quiet, honest moments but accelerated by the events of this place. To look at him, trusting even though Lavi could've been possessed like anyone else, comforted by his familiarity even after seeing Lavi's countless identities. To know him at his cheesy smiles under bright blue skies and his peaceful expression in sleep, and to think he deserves this before offering him freedom.
To hear what he'd said in return, and feel the stirrings of tentative affection in what's left of the heart he'd buried in Mater. Not love, not anything close--just... that same unspoken something neither of them were ever supposed to acknowledge.
...But how can there be something when they wouldn't choose each other? How could there be a maybe when the answer is already no? The memory cuts out, and thankfully, those thoughts aren't shared--though Kanda's jaw is tight with discontent, which is more telling in and of itself than he'd like.]
[He is primed to fight back, even though he knows it's fruitless too, to make Kanda say or do anything he doesn't want to -- but what else can he do besides try?
And then the memory unfolds, and it hurts. It hurts more than the sting of Kanda's thought earlier. It hurts as it all sinks in, as he sees himself through Kanda's eyes -- at this "Lavi". The one who can smile and laugh, whose smile doesn't look ugly. Lavi hates seeing himself, but the memory isn't about him -- it's about Kanda, seeing him. He looks so much better than he'd ever thought he'd be for anyone. Like he could really mean something, like he could be more than just him.
his emotions are a complicated mess -- grief and guilt and hope and affection and something more. he can't put a name to it but it exists nonetheless, no matter what he does now. he puts a hand over his chest, caught between wanting to repress it or just letting him feel it. for once. realizing that it's not about wanting at this point, but that these feelings will happen regardless of what he does or says next. that they're here, and will be.
i just want to be with you.
his grip folds into a fist as the memory fades, the memory of his words echoing in him. don't say things you don't mean. it makes more sense now. and maybe he should leave it at that, for the sake of everything that's supposed to be important to him. but he's spent too long prioritizing everything he thought was important to him, at the cost of his own wants and desires. he just wants something to be wholly his. even if means leaving himself bare.]
[He's quiet, stiff, waiting for Lavi to speak. It takes long enough that he can't stop himself from cutting his gaze back to him, watching the emotions he feels shift across Lavi's face like waves breaking over sand. He wonders who he's talking to now. Lavi never did answer properly, when he'd asked for his name.
Eventually, he curls his fingers inward. He looks at Lavi, searching his eye, his own expression unreadable.
Simply:]
Do you?
[There's still time for Lavi to take it back. To admit that he's bound to his duty after all, that despite all the pain it causes him, he loves his clan and his role above all else. It's not like Kanda's ready for much anyway. He would've let all of this pass unspoken if his thoughts hadn't slipped out, and simply pulled back and shut himself away, safely isolated once again. That won't change so easily. And even when it does...
Kanda might forgive him tonight. But he won't a second time.]
[Lavi recognizes the question for what it is, an offer to turn away, and maybe -- a form of freedom in of itself. To go back to who he's supposed to be, who he was for sixteen years. The corners of his lips curl up, rueful. It's another offer at freedom, isn't it? No matter if it's cloaked in distrust or doubt, it's not as if Lavi has proven himself, and yet. It stings too. It would hurt more to be asked, but it would hurt worse if Kanda had demanded -- if he had reached over and refused to let him go, holding onto the Lavi he thinks is real.
He doesn't know if he can be that "Lavi" for Kanda. He doesn't even know if Kanda will want him to be anything. Maybe further down the line they'll both retreat from each other, or they'll both choose something else. Maybe the war will finally take everything from Yuu, and maybe the clan will take everything they're owed from Bookman Jr, and they'll both have nothing left over for the other.
Lavi meets Kanda's gaze, thinks of how even his own face is a secret, the eyepatch still hiding parts of him he's not ready to show.
But... still. This isn't about someone else's feelings this time. He's spent such a long time thinking about other people's feelings, making space for them because he can't occupy any. This isn't about getting Kanda to believe him or trust him. This is just about... him. The person he really is. The child, deeply afraid and full of doubt of his life's purpose, the scornful adult afraid to see the world, the very ordinary boy with his very ordinary likes and dislikes,]
Stupid.
[it sounds like he's calling Kanda that, and maybe he is, but it's directed at himself too]
I said I'd make the same choice before, because I thought that was the best way to save you. I wasn't making that choice for anyone, or for anything else.
[but he won't deny what the choice feels like to kanda, especially when he thinks -- if their positions were reversed, that Kanda might have chosen to join him. I thought I'd die at the end of the ritual. and then he'd woken up and seen all the dead around him instead. he'd made himself a martyr for absolutely zero reasons, to do a job anyone else could have done just as well. and as much as he regrets it now.... he'd still choose that irrational decision over the logical one. he rubs at his face, feeling a little dizzy from exhaustion and fear and relief and grief.
There's time to take it back. ...But there's really no time at all. Not when taking it back would be a lie, not when he's already like this, for this person. He cannot choose the clan if he cannot devote himself to them. but in the same vein, he can choose anyone, and devote himself to them instead.]
I said I wanted to be with you. Those feelings haven't changed.
[he can hide those feelings away if they're not wanted or needed. but he won't hide them and say he chose something else instead.]
[He looks at Lavi as Lavi speaks, his gaze as unrelenting as ever. He ignores anything that might come through the lingering mental and emotional connections, watching his face instead. Hearing what he says, and what he doesn't say. And all the while, searching his own heart--wondering if this is enough.
Kanda doesn't know how to love with anything less than everything. That's the crux of it all. But he doesn't even know if he's capable of that a third time. And really, Lavi hasn't even asked him for anything but tolerance. Kanda's the one who'd thought that, maybe, after everything, he could try.
...
He doesn't relax, because Kanda so rarely relaxes. And when he speaks again, his tone is still a little grouchy. But it's much closer to his normal griping, with far less heat than he'd had a moment ago. Less hurt, even though Kanda hid that to begin with.]
I told you not to die like an idiot.
[He'd thought the same thing. When they'd voted to use the rocks to protect the final five, he'd thought it meant that once they were sacrificed, they'd wake up safely on the other side. Before then, he'd thought--no, he'd been afraid. He'd been so afraid that whoever was left behind would be gone for good. And then, with the break-in, when he'd thought Lavi had listened, that he'd made over, only to find out it was all a trick, that he'd been relieved for nothing--it hurt worse than the fire. It's why he'd never written to clarify when his request for Lavi to join him had shifted from a practical need for assistance to a personal desire. Why even now, he harbors some resentment towards Nehan and Scien.
He won't extend grace and maturity to them. He doesn't owe them anything. But Lavi... Lavi is different. He has been for a long time.]
[in contrast, Lavi selfishly looks for everything -- Kanda's expression, his voice, his phrasing, his emotions, his thoughts. He wants to know, even now. He can't help that part of his nature, endlessly curious. He just never thought he'd go from wanting to know the entire world, to wanting to know one person.
No. He knew he'd be capable, he just thought he'd never take that leap.]
I know. You said you'd kill me if I did.
[his expression is overwhelmingly fond, which shouldn't be normal, but it is -- because the threats and violence are parts of Kanda he's come to like too, in all the time he's known him. It's their way. It always has been.]
...What about now?
[He's alive now yes, but he's still been a pretty big idiot. Does one part cancel out the other?]
[What about now, indeed. He supposes it's possible that this could all fall to pieces, that they find out in a few hours they failed and they're all going to die here anyway. But it's not like that's any different than their usual lives to begin with.
Tonight, of all nights, he thinks he has the right to lash out as much as he wants. He could come up with a thousand reasons to beat Lavi into the ground, and Lavi would probably only be right about half of them. He really is an idiot in so many ways.
But Kanda knew that.]
...My seal fixed my memories. [He says, instead of an answer. As an answer.] I'm not heading back to the Order yet.
[So... it wouldn't be the same sort of break he'd offered Lavi, certainly not the same freedom--but it wouldn't quite be back where they started, either.]
[It's not the same offer, but Lavi hadn't exactly wanted that freedom anyway, though he'll always treasure being given that choice. As for this one, he tilts his head to the side, a sense of relief unfurling from him at the mention that Kanda's memories are back to normal.]
...Are we going back to Allen?
[It's the answer that makes the most sense, from what he's learned from Kanda here. And of course, Lavi's not opposed to either. He's worried about the other boy, especially after everything he's heard second-hand. Thought, that would mean...
[...If they're going back to that exact moment is Apocryphos going to be hanging around. Hm. Well. They can deal with that when they get there he guesses,
More importantly:]
Why didn't you use it before... [BINCH CAN YOU DO EVEN ONE THING HE TELLS YOU TO!!! WHAT IF YOU'D MCDIED AND LOST THE WISH HUH]
[CAN YOU TELL HIM ABOUT APOCRYPHOS BINCH LAVI HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE GONNA BE WALKING INTO!!!! which hilariously is tied into what he's about to say next, having no idea how relevant it is to real life right now --
his gaze flicks to Kanda's arms, covered as always, then up at Kanda.]
I was thinking about using it for the Innocence instead. Make it so that it can't control or manipulate the accommodator.
[at least not without CONSENT!!! he has been sitting on this idea for a bit but hasn't actually committed to making it because so much has been going on and because he wanted to bring it up with Kanda first,
he's conflicted because he is still worried very much about Bookman, and he always will be even if he has to break the tie between them. of course, he could go and track him down and use the wish for the Innocence instead, but. what if he doesn't come back? what if he never sees Kanda again? (he has no idea how right that is)]
[Lavi is delusional if he thinks this current Kanda, who does not yet have a reason to care about being on the Order's shit list, will let him go hunt down Bookman all by himself--unless he makes a good case for it or just explicitly says it's what he wants, because Kanda isn't INSANE like LUKE even if he'd probably never believe Lavi about wanting to be with him again,,, BUT ANYWAY
There's a flicker of surprise, because it's not what he'd thought Lavi would say, but then again, Kanda is the decisive one between them. It's not unlike Lavi to sit on this and mull it over from multiple angles. The power of having a braincell.
He flexes his fingers, then loosely crosses his arms.]
It might make things more dangerous.
[They've had their asses saved by Allen's Innocence controlling his body..... but Allen had also attacked the Thirds against his will, so. Maybe it balances out.]
[STOP LISTEN HE ASSUMES KANDA WILL GO WITH HIM IF HE SAID THEY SHOULD FIND BOOKMAN FIRST. it really is just a question of what's more important to do right away -- which ties into his wish too.
But Kanda has a point too -- he can still recall the light flaring out over the ocean. Lenalee would have died then if the Innocence hadn't chosen to save her.]
The Innocence changed your memories.
[even though Kanda's seal healed the attempt, how many others are similarly inflicted? and more importantly,]
And you're in danger from it even now.
[he doesn't need to see the scars again to confirm it -- he has prior evidence to draw from. Suman falling, because he helped the enemy and betrayed the Order. No matter if he was doing it for the daughter he loved -- the Innocence hadn't cared. How much will it care now -- will it see Allen as anything more than an enemy that Kanda is trying to save?]
[He would and then he'd explode and die which would be super funny
But at those words, Kanda stills, his gaze cutting back to Lavi. He's quiet for a while, and though his expression is unreadable, his emotions twist and churn through the connection. Muted, still, because he's himself, but... not oblivious, or unmoved.]
You're supposed to use it for yourself, idiot.
[He thinks of Yuffie telling about writing to Lavi--encouraging him to be selfish, for once in his life. He has the chance to do that now, with something far more powerful than Kanda, or the Order, or his clan, could ever offer him. Anything he could dream of, and he wants to waste it like this? On him? That can't be right.]
He's heard this before from a number of people every time he's brought up the wish -- every suggestion met with a pointed one -- a reminder that it's his wish, his feelings, his desires. But Lavi's known that from the beginning -- it's not a desire to be selfless that motivates him now, it's not a lack of want or desire.
He meets Kanda's gaze, brows slightly raised, the corner of his mouth quirking up just a little. He can be selfish too -- he's being very selfish right now, in fact. He's following the pull of his heart in a single direction, and it's beating too hard and fast to match the semblance of calm on his face.]
That's what I'm doing.
[he's using it for himself. he can make a wish for Kanda because it's what he wants, and isn't that the whole point of being selfish?
though if Lavi really wants to be selfish the way Kanda wants him to be, then he can go a little farther, he can move a little closer. he can close the gap between them in one smooth, quick movement, and press his lips against Kanda's -- feather-light and warm -- and let it linger for how many heartbeats he can have.
[Anyway yeah he pulls out Mugen and stabs Lavi, perma-killing him forever
No okay he doesn't do that. In the beginning, before all of this, he would have--even after Alma, and even with everything that already existed between them, Kanda would have pulled away.
But that was two months ago. Before the sunrise and impossible choices and admissions of forbidden grief and desire. Before Lavi's mask had broken, piece by piece, until Kanda had no choice but to perceive the depths of Lavi's attachment to him. I want to be with you, Lavi had said--and with each passing day of separation, Kanda had been forced to admit, if only to himself, that he might want that too. For the first time since Alma, he's seen someone smile in the darkness, and known peace for it.
It's dangerous, and foolish, and the mere wanting has already caused Lavi so much grief and pain--but what could either of them have that wouldn't be steeped in suffering anyway?
He doesn't stab him. Instead, he rests an open palm on Lavi's chest--lingering for as many beats as it takes to remind Lavi that he has a heart, before he shoves him lightly back, just a little. He leaves his hand there as he searches Lavi's face, assessing.]
...This is the name you want?
[The records, the clan, his sense of identity--all of that is Lavi's to sort out. There's nothing Kanda can do for him there. But what he can do is this: hold onto the version of the person before him, regardless of who he might become. He can take the heart Lavi shouldn't have. (He doesn't have his own anyway.)]
[Lavi can't not feel his heart now, just like how he can't not feel Kanda's hand pressed against his chest, solid and warm, present and real. He's wanted to feel Kanda like this since he showed up as an apparition, since he died, no -- even longer. He doesn't know when Kanda will pull back and resume their usual distance, but he knows now that he doesn't want him to. He reaches up to press his hand over Kanda's, as if to keep him there.]
...Yeah.
[It's a simple, straightforward question, and yet -- also terrifying? But Lavi answers regardless, holding it out in exchange for Kanda's probing stare, trying to at least give him this -- honesty and the truth. Both things Lavi isn't used to giving, but he's found it less and less difficult to do over the years, and now these two months.
His lips curl into a smile, something cheeky and also a little shy,]
I wanna hear you say it.
[whether it's the usual nickname, or the one he has now. the one who knows Kanda, and thus, is the one he wants to keep.]
[I wish that could be a real tag but unfortunately Kanda doesn't know what cakeverse is
What he does know is that a good number of people here care a lot about his usage of their names. From Yuffie, who'd been annoyed by his dumb word choice, to Caelus, who'd taken it as a deeply personal slight. They've all ascribed so much meaning to what he says, regardless of what he does. And it's not like Kanda doesn't get it. He simply doesn't care.
He cares now, though. For Lavi, he cares.
He can't say it's not a little tempting to deny him anyway. There's a part of him that takes pleasure in being mean in little ways, on those rare occasions when he has both the time and inclination to mess around. He could lean back, say We can't always get what we want, Stupid Rabbit, or something along those lines. But Lavi's hand is warm over his, Lavi's heart still beating steadily against his palm. He thinks of everything Lavi has done for him, week after week after week in this miserable place. Everything he's doing right now, down to the curve of his smile, so very real for once. All of that matters so much more than his urge to bully.
Besides, it's not like this is some difficult request. Kanda knows exactly who he's been speaking to all along--who the man before him will always be, no matter what the future holds.
So, very simply:]
Lavi.
[Let it never be said that Kanda doesn't repay his debts.]
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We were discussing it as a group at first. I said I'd be fine with staying or dying. But a lot of people said the same thing. We weren't getting anywhere, so Mumu suggested we do a vote. We each put in three names, and she'd figure out the results. ...She said that it had to be people who can take responsibility, no matter what happens.
...So I put Suguru and Satoru's names down, and also mine. And so did a lot of people.
[at this point, he longer feels guilty about not choosing other names. the only guilt he feels is knowing that his choice wasn't what Kanda wanted,]
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...It just hurts a little, is all. Lavi had said I want to be with you--and then said, essentially, but not enough.
But there's no way Kanda would ever say anything like that, especially not when he just feels foolish for thinking to expect anything else. So he just takes it in with muted emotions and thoughts alike.]
We used some of the rocks to make sure they can't target our worlds again. So the cultists that got away shouldn't matter.
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but it doesn't feel important now. none of it does, the cult or the ritual or everything that's led up to it. what was the point of it all again?
he looks down at Kanda's hand. no. that's not the right question. The point of it all is right here.]
...Sorry.
[he'd already apologized, but this is for something else]
If I could go back and choose again... then I'd still make the same choice.
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[It's not even really about the choice, in the end. He never would've expected Lavi to choose differently... until the past few weeks. Until he'd seen Lavi distraught and furious over someone attempting to frame him, until he'd watched from afar as Lavi screamed and sobbed, more devastated than he'd even thought him capable of, until Lavi had told him what he was willing to do to learn the truth, until--
Don't say things you don't mean.
He hates Lavi's lies the most. Especially when even he can't see through them.]
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But he hadn't expected to hear that from Kanda. Everyone else is one thing, but Kanda is -- It takes a beat for him to realize that Kanda hadn't said that out loud, and that it was a thought shared instead.
...'i haven't lied to you.'. except he has, in all their years of knowing. all the little lies lavi tells.
he grits his teeth and tries again, because he doesn't care about those little lies, and he doesn't think Kanda cares, or maybe that's just him hoping,]
Things like what?
no subject
Nothing.
[It's not nothing--he's sure Lavi knows that. He's primed to ruthlessly shut him down the second he tries to argue or snap back, because neither this place nor Lavi can force him to talk or stop him from walking away if he wants to.
But it can drag all the deepest parts of him out into the light--all the things he so rarely shares with anyone, even the people who make up his "family." And, as if responding to Kanda's desire to lock himself away and place them squarely back where they started, it does just that, plucking out a memory.
It's not an old one, nor is it unfamiliar. It's the very same conversation they had last week, when Kanda was still intangible and incapable of saying most of the things he'd wanted to. But this time, Lavi gets to live it through Kanda's perspective. To see Lavi through the lens of the years spent slowly warming up to him, strengthened most by those quiet, honest moments but accelerated by the events of this place. To look at him, trusting even though Lavi could've been possessed like anyone else, comforted by his familiarity even after seeing Lavi's countless identities. To know him at his cheesy smiles under bright blue skies and his peaceful expression in sleep, and to think he deserves this before offering him freedom.
To hear what he'd said in return, and feel the stirrings of tentative affection in what's left of the heart he'd buried in Mater. Not love, not anything close--just... that same unspoken something neither of them were ever supposed to acknowledge.
...But how can there be something when they wouldn't choose each other? How could there be a maybe when the answer is already no? The memory cuts out, and thankfully, those thoughts aren't shared--though Kanda's jaw is tight with discontent, which is more telling in and of itself than he'd like.]
no subject
And then the memory unfolds, and it hurts. It hurts more than the sting of Kanda's thought earlier. It hurts as it all sinks in, as he sees himself through Kanda's eyes -- at this "Lavi". The one who can smile and laugh, whose smile doesn't look ugly. Lavi hates seeing himself, but the memory isn't about him -- it's about Kanda, seeing him. He looks so much better than he'd ever thought he'd be for anyone. Like he could really mean something, like he could be more than just him.
his emotions are a complicated mess -- grief and guilt and hope and affection and something more. he can't put a name to it but it exists nonetheless, no matter what he does now. he puts a hand over his chest, caught between wanting to repress it or just letting him feel it. for once. realizing that it's not about wanting at this point, but that these feelings will happen regardless of what he does or says next. that they're here, and will be.
i just want to be with you.
his grip folds into a fist as the memory fades, the memory of his words echoing in him. don't say things you don't mean. it makes more sense now. and maybe he should leave it at that, for the sake of everything that's supposed to be important to him. but he's spent too long prioritizing everything he thought was important to him, at the cost of his own wants and desires. he just wants something to be wholly his. even if means leaving himself bare.]
I meant what I said.
no subject
Eventually, he curls his fingers inward. He looks at Lavi, searching his eye, his own expression unreadable.
Simply:]
Do you?
[There's still time for Lavi to take it back. To admit that he's bound to his duty after all, that despite all the pain it causes him, he loves his clan and his role above all else. It's not like Kanda's ready for much anyway. He would've let all of this pass unspoken if his thoughts hadn't slipped out, and simply pulled back and shut himself away, safely isolated once again. That won't change so easily. And even when it does...
Kanda might forgive him tonight. But he won't a second time.]
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He doesn't know if he can be that "Lavi" for Kanda. He doesn't even know if Kanda will want him to be anything. Maybe further down the line they'll both retreat from each other, or they'll both choose something else. Maybe the war will finally take everything from Yuu, and maybe the clan will take everything they're owed from Bookman Jr, and they'll both have nothing left over for the other.
Lavi meets Kanda's gaze, thinks of how even his own face is a secret, the eyepatch still hiding parts of him he's not ready to show.
But... still. This isn't about someone else's feelings this time. He's spent such a long time thinking about other people's feelings, making space for them because he can't occupy any. This isn't about getting Kanda to believe him or trust him. This is just about... him. The person he really is. The child, deeply afraid and full of doubt of his life's purpose, the scornful adult afraid to see the world, the very ordinary boy with his very ordinary likes and dislikes,]
Stupid.
[it sounds like he's calling Kanda that, and maybe he is, but it's directed at himself too]
I said I'd make the same choice before, because I thought that was the best way to save you. I wasn't making that choice for anyone, or for anything else.
[but he won't deny what the choice feels like to kanda, especially when he thinks -- if their positions were reversed, that Kanda might have chosen to join him. I thought I'd die at the end of the ritual. and then he'd woken up and seen all the dead around him instead. he'd made himself a martyr for absolutely zero reasons, to do a job anyone else could have done just as well. and as much as he regrets it now.... he'd still choose that irrational decision over the logical one. he rubs at his face, feeling a little dizzy from exhaustion and fear and relief and grief.
There's time to take it back. ...But there's really no time at all. Not when taking it back would be a lie, not when he's already like this, for this person. He cannot choose the clan if he cannot devote himself to them. but in the same vein, he can choose anyone, and devote himself to them instead.]
I said I wanted to be with you. Those feelings haven't changed.
[he can hide those feelings away if they're not wanted or needed. but he won't hide them and say he chose something else instead.]
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Kanda doesn't know how to love with anything less than everything. That's the crux of it all. But he doesn't even know if he's capable of that a third time. And really, Lavi hasn't even asked him for anything but tolerance. Kanda's the one who'd thought that, maybe, after everything, he could try.
...
He doesn't relax, because Kanda so rarely relaxes. And when he speaks again, his tone is still a little grouchy. But it's much closer to his normal griping, with far less heat than he'd had a moment ago. Less hurt, even though Kanda hid that to begin with.]
I told you not to die like an idiot.
[He'd thought the same thing. When they'd voted to use the rocks to protect the final five, he'd thought it meant that once they were sacrificed, they'd wake up safely on the other side. Before then, he'd thought--no, he'd been afraid. He'd been so afraid that whoever was left behind would be gone for good. And then, with the break-in, when he'd thought Lavi had listened, that he'd made over, only to find out it was all a trick, that he'd been relieved for nothing--it hurt worse than the fire. It's why he'd never written to clarify when his request for Lavi to join him had shifted from a practical need for assistance to a personal desire. Why even now, he harbors some resentment towards Nehan and Scien.
He won't extend grace and maturity to them. He doesn't owe them anything. But Lavi... Lavi is different. He has been for a long time.]
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No. He knew he'd be capable, he just thought he'd never take that leap.]
I know. You said you'd kill me if I did.
[his expression is overwhelmingly fond, which shouldn't be normal, but it is -- because the threats and violence are parts of Kanda he's come to like too, in all the time he's known him. It's their way. It always has been.]
...What about now?
[He's alive now yes, but he's still been a pretty big idiot. Does one part cancel out the other?]
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Tonight, of all nights, he thinks he has the right to lash out as much as he wants. He could come up with a thousand reasons to beat Lavi into the ground, and Lavi would probably only be right about half of them. He really is an idiot in so many ways.
But Kanda knew that.]
...My seal fixed my memories. [He says, instead of an answer. As an answer.] I'm not heading back to the Order yet.
[So... it wouldn't be the same sort of break he'd offered Lavi, certainly not the same freedom--but it wouldn't quite be back where they started, either.]
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...Are we going back to Allen?
[It's the answer that makes the most sense, from what he's learned from Kanda here. And of course, Lavi's not opposed to either. He's worried about the other boy, especially after everything he's heard second-hand. Thought, that would mean...
...I should use my wish then.]
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[...If they're going back to that exact moment is Apocryphos going to be hanging around. Hm. Well. They can deal with that when they get there he guesses,
More importantly:]
Why didn't you use it before... [BINCH CAN YOU DO EVEN ONE THING HE TELLS YOU TO!!! WHAT IF YOU'D MCDIED AND LOST THE WISH HUH]
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his gaze flicks to Kanda's arms, covered as always, then up at Kanda.]
I was thinking about using it for the Innocence instead. Make it so that it can't control or manipulate the accommodator.
[at least not without CONSENT!!! he has been sitting on this idea for a bit but hasn't actually committed to making it because so much has been going on and because he wanted to bring it up with Kanda first,
he's conflicted because he is still worried very much about Bookman, and he always will be even if he has to break the tie between them. of course, he could go and track him down and use the wish for the Innocence instead, but. what if he doesn't come back? what if he never sees Kanda again? (he has no idea how right that is)]
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There's a flicker of surprise, because it's not what he'd thought Lavi would say, but then again, Kanda is the decisive one between them. It's not unlike Lavi to sit on this and mull it over from multiple angles. The power of having a braincell.
He flexes his fingers, then loosely crosses his arms.]
It might make things more dangerous.
[They've had their asses saved by Allen's Innocence controlling his body..... but Allen had also attacked the Thirds against his will, so. Maybe it balances out.]
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But Kanda has a point too -- he can still recall the light flaring out over the ocean. Lenalee would have died then if the Innocence hadn't chosen to save her.]
The Innocence changed your memories.
[even though Kanda's seal healed the attempt, how many others are similarly inflicted? and more importantly,]
And you're in danger from it even now.
[he doesn't need to see the scars again to confirm it -- he has prior evidence to draw from. Suman falling, because he helped the enemy and betrayed the Order. No matter if he was doing it for the daughter he loved -- the Innocence hadn't cared. How much will it care now -- will it see Allen as anything more than an enemy that Kanda is trying to save?]
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But at those words, Kanda stills, his gaze cutting back to Lavi. He's quiet for a while, and though his expression is unreadable, his emotions twist and churn through the connection. Muted, still, because he's himself, but... not oblivious, or unmoved.]
You're supposed to use it for yourself, idiot.
[He thinks of Yuffie telling about writing to Lavi--encouraging him to be selfish, for once in his life. He has the chance to do that now, with something far more powerful than Kanda, or the Order, or his clan, could ever offer him. Anything he could dream of, and he wants to waste it like this? On him? That can't be right.]
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He's heard this before from a number of people every time he's brought up the wish -- every suggestion met with a pointed one -- a reminder that it's his wish, his feelings, his desires. But Lavi's known that from the beginning -- it's not a desire to be selfless that motivates him now, it's not a lack of want or desire.
He meets Kanda's gaze, brows slightly raised, the corner of his mouth quirking up just a little. He can be selfish too -- he's being very selfish right now, in fact. He's following the pull of his heart in a single direction, and it's beating too hard and fast to match the semblance of calm on his face.]
That's what I'm doing.
[he's using it for himself. he can make a wish for Kanda because it's what he wants, and isn't that the whole point of being selfish?
though if Lavi really wants to be selfish the way Kanda wants him to be, then he can go a little farther, he can move a little closer. he can close the gap between them in one smooth, quick movement, and press his lips against Kanda's -- feather-light and warm -- and let it linger for how many heartbeats he can have.
that's for himself too, just for him.]
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No okay he doesn't do that. In the beginning, before all of this, he would have--even after Alma, and even with everything that already existed between them, Kanda would have pulled away.
But that was two months ago. Before the sunrise and impossible choices and admissions of forbidden grief and desire. Before Lavi's mask had broken, piece by piece, until Kanda had no choice but to perceive the depths of Lavi's attachment to him. I want to be with you, Lavi had said--and with each passing day of separation, Kanda had been forced to admit, if only to himself, that he might want that too. For the first time since Alma, he's seen someone smile in the darkness, and known peace for it.
It's dangerous, and foolish, and the mere wanting has already caused Lavi so much grief and pain--but what could either of them have that wouldn't be steeped in suffering anyway?
He doesn't stab him. Instead, he rests an open palm on Lavi's chest--lingering for as many beats as it takes to remind Lavi that he has a heart, before he shoves him lightly back, just a little. He leaves his hand there as he searches Lavi's face, assessing.]
...This is the name you want?
[The records, the clan, his sense of identity--all of that is Lavi's to sort out. There's nothing Kanda can do for him there. But what he can do is this: hold onto the version of the person before him, regardless of who he might become. He can take the heart Lavi shouldn't have. (He doesn't have his own anyway.)]
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...Yeah.
[It's a simple, straightforward question, and yet -- also terrifying? But Lavi answers regardless, holding it out in exchange for Kanda's probing stare, trying to at least give him this -- honesty and the truth. Both things Lavi isn't used to giving, but he's found it less and less difficult to do over the years, and now these two months.
His lips curl into a smile, something cheeky and also a little shy,]
I wanna hear you say it.
[whether it's the usual nickname, or the one he has now. the one who knows Kanda, and thus, is the one he wants to keep.]
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What he does know is that a good number of people here care a lot about his usage of their names. From Yuffie, who'd been annoyed by his dumb word choice, to Caelus, who'd taken it as a deeply personal slight. They've all ascribed so much meaning to what he says, regardless of what he does. And it's not like Kanda doesn't get it. He simply doesn't care.
He cares now, though. For Lavi, he cares.
He can't say it's not a little tempting to deny him anyway. There's a part of him that takes pleasure in being mean in little ways, on those rare occasions when he has both the time and inclination to mess around. He could lean back, say We can't always get what we want, Stupid Rabbit, or something along those lines. But Lavi's hand is warm over his, Lavi's heart still beating steadily against his palm. He thinks of everything Lavi has done for him, week after week after week in this miserable place. Everything he's doing right now, down to the curve of his smile, so very real for once. All of that matters so much more than his urge to bully.
Besides, it's not like this is some difficult request. Kanda knows exactly who he's been speaking to all along--who the man before him will always be, no matter what the future holds.
So, very simply:]
Lavi.
[Let it never be said that Kanda doesn't repay his debts.]
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