[he makes another FACE at this but it's for their GAG ORDER damn,]
...S'fine, we'll figure it out one way or another. We know that we gotta cut down our numbers, and we've been sharing the scripture. Anything more's gonna come after the weekend.
[normally, he'd take this moment to hang off Kanda's incorporeal arm and look at him with his shiny eye, gooey with gratitude, maybe rub it in even more that Kanda cares about him -- (but he'd already known that)
instead, he looks away again, feeling a pang.]
I kept getting back up.
[even though it was hard and he felt the Urge To Give Up, even though that was supposed to be Kanda's job --]
And s'not like it's the first time I've had my ass kicked.
[He knows Lavi is stronger than he leads most people to believe--that he's resilient, both in battle and in spirit, in ways that Kanda's always been able to recognize, even if he's never said it to Lavi himself. But hadn't he said it to others? Wasn't he the one telling them not to worry, that Lavi would be fine?
...But still. It's different here. When they don't have access to their true strength, when they have no clue what the monsters around them are capable of.
(When he's too far away to do anything about it, and yelling through paper isn't enough.)]
[The answer makes him feel prickly, caught between giving the same answer again and snapping back. He thought he'd gotten all his anger out on that piece of paper, or at least he tried to convince himself he had -- just long enough to answer every question with a carefully constructed lie: 'I'm fine. I'm here. I'm still going. Yuu's dead and I'm not, and that's okay.'
[Looks at him sidelong. Considers what to say for a minute. He's so limited in what he can talk about, but... it doesn't really matter for this, does it?]
...You know why.
[Lavi's smart; surely he must understand why Kanda would prefer to leave his body alone for a while, regardless of what they may or may not have at their disposal.]
[He does know why, even though the answer doesn't satisfy him in the least -- even though there's nothing he can say in response. He just remembers that night again and feels the same wave of grief and exhaustion, feels caught between wanting Kanda to be safe and whole and just wanting him to be --]
He reaches over again, butting the heel of his palm against the side of Lavi's head. This one doesn't connect, but at least(?) he'll get to feel a chill.
More quietly:]
Talk about something else.
[They're not here for long. He doesn't want to waste time blipping in and out of existence over questions he can't answer.]
[It's a familiar chill -- he's tried touching the others, only to feel cold in return.But this time it zings through him, all the way through, leaving him cold and bereft, too much like the time he had to run his hands over Kanda, body part after part.
Everything he wants to ask and desperately know about is how Kanda is doing and what he's been doing, anything to override the last image he'll never forget in his head. But he curbs the desire, because they don't have enough time.
And there are things he needs to say that he wouldn't leave in a letter, not after knowing how public they are.]
...I partnered up the weekend you died.
[he's not sure if kanda knows, if the same restriction exists over there that would prevent him from learning.
and maybe he's afraid to learn that kanda does know actually,]
[It's not terribly rare for Kanda to look surprised, but it's unusual enough that this reaction makes it obvious he hadn't known.
He doesn't answer right away, swallowing back his first responses, the ones that would surely have him vanishing again.]
...Why?
[He thinks he can guess, but--he needs to hear it. Lavi needs to say it.
Sure, the risk is probably lower now--so many casualties likely means a number of people without partners. And Lavi is well loved, here. Kanda doesn't need to pay attention to all the romance shenanigans to see that. If something happens, the others will look out for him.
...Still. The thought of Lavi's soul being tied to another person, on top of his monster? He doesn't like it. Despite everything, it's not what he wanted to hear.]
But that's an unfair question, because the decision was so very not like him at the time. The opposite of what "Lavi" would do, especially after they talked about it all those weeks ago. It wasn't something they could trust -- it was too much like what the Earl would offer -- and didn't they know enough where decisions like that would get them?
It's different from telling the others. No one had asked why, everyone had assumed he'd done it to finally have something for himself, that he'd given in and let himself feel long enough to want.
...It's not like they were wrong, so Lavi hadn't dissuaded them. He had given in, he did let himself feel -- he'd given into that rage and terror and grief for the only person who mattered and still matters to him. And now he has to own up to that decision to that very same person,]
For the wish. [...] I wanted to know who killed you.
[That's--not what he expected at all, actually. In fact, it hadn't even occurred to him to consider that possibility. He'd been prepared to hear something like I stepped in to save someone or I was begged by someone I just couldn't say no to. Things that would've been... frustrating, maybe a little bit infuriating, but not necessarily surprising. Lavi cares when he shouldn't, after all. He always has.
And this is... proof of that, too, in a way, but it's not--he'd never--
If he looked surprised before, he's stunned into silence now. It's not emotionshare anymore, but it wouldn't matter even if it was, because his heart can't settle, he can't decide how to feel--whether he should be furious or touched or something else entirely.
Being angry is easy, so naturally, he lashes out first, though his shock colors his tone, making him sound more agitated than pissed off.]
[Maybe it is stupid, incredibly, inexorably stupid -- especially after everything Lavi said about wanting to stay alive -- all his thoughts that were turned incessantly towards the clan and saving a legacy full of records and history, because the Bookman clan is still the most important thing to him --
so important that he barely gave it a passing thought when he made his decision, because it turns out -- there are things more important to him than all the immutable truths he's grown up with -- and they all have to do with the person standing right here --]
You died.
[the agitation he can hear in Kanda's voice spurs his own,]
You died and I didn't know who or even why! I can accept that for anyone else, hell I did accept that -- but not for you.
[he swallows past the ache in his throat, his chest]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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luckily he has seen so many of u dead fcks blip during the party that he can guess why it's happening now!!!]
Guess that means you gotta write me back.
[yay! censored letters from kanda!!!]
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I mean it, Yuu...
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[NOT EVEN ABOUT ANSWERING LETTERS although he's pretty sure Lavi knows what his answer would be anyway.]
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...S'fine, we'll figure it out one way or another. We know that we gotta cut down our numbers, and we've been sharing the scripture. Anything more's gonna come after the weekend.
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[........
Experimentally tries to punch him in the side
It connects for a second
heh]
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he expected the punch but not for it to make CONTACT?? he immediately grabs his side]
Oh c'mon -- I should be punching you!
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You deserve it.
[RUDE]
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he can't even say anything to this because it's true, damn.]
...Yeah, I know. I couldn't figure it out, even though the answer was right there in front of me.
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he looks away.....]
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Then what?
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[Not that he CARES about your WELL-BEING or anything tch]
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instead, he looks away again, feeling a pang.]
I kept getting back up.
[even though it was hard and he felt the Urge To Give Up, even though that was supposed to be Kanda's job --]
And s'not like it's the first time I've had my ass kicked.
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[He knows Lavi is stronger than he leads most people to believe--that he's resilient, both in battle and in spirit, in ways that Kanda's always been able to recognize, even if he's never said it to Lavi himself. But hadn't he said it to others? Wasn't he the one telling them not to worry, that Lavi would be fine?
...But still. It's different here. When they don't have access to their true strength, when they have no clue what the monsters around them are capable of.
(When he's too far away to do anything about it, and yelling through paper isn't enough.)]
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Like it ever was okay. Like it's okay now.
He grits his teeth,]
Why didn't you heal your ear?
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...You know why.
[Lavi's smart; surely he must understand why Kanda would prefer to leave his body alone for a while, regardless of what they may or may not have at their disposal.]
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...Is it really safer over there?
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He reaches over again, butting the heel of his palm against the side of Lavi's head. This one doesn't connect, but at least(?) he'll get to feel a chill.
More quietly:]
Talk about something else.
[They're not here for long. He doesn't want to waste time blipping in and out of existence over questions he can't answer.]
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Everything he wants to ask and desperately know about is how Kanda is doing and what he's been doing, anything to override the last image he'll never forget in his head. But he curbs the desire, because they don't have enough time.
And there are things he needs to say that he wouldn't leave in a letter, not after knowing how public they are.]
...I partnered up the weekend you died.
[he's not sure if kanda knows, if the same restriction exists over there that would prevent him from learning.
and maybe he's afraid to learn that kanda does know actually,]
I haven't made my wish yet.
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He doesn't answer right away, swallowing back his first responses, the ones that would surely have him vanishing again.]
...Why?
[He thinks he can guess, but--he needs to hear it. Lavi needs to say it.
Sure, the risk is probably lower now--so many casualties likely means a number of people without partners. And Lavi is well loved, here. Kanda doesn't need to pay attention to all the romance shenanigans to see that. If something happens, the others will look out for him.
...Still. The thought of Lavi's soul being tied to another person, on top of his monster? He doesn't like it. Despite everything, it's not what he wanted to hear.]
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But that's an unfair question, because the decision was so very not like him at the time. The opposite of what "Lavi" would do, especially after they talked about it all those weeks ago. It wasn't something they could trust -- it was too much like what the Earl would offer -- and didn't they know enough where decisions like that would get them?
It's different from telling the others. No one had asked why, everyone had assumed he'd done it to finally have something for himself, that he'd given in and let himself feel long enough to want.
...It's not like they were wrong, so Lavi hadn't dissuaded them. He had given in, he did let himself feel -- he'd given into that rage and terror and grief for the only person who mattered and still matters to him. And now he has to own up to that decision to that very same person,]
For the wish. [...] I wanted to know who killed you.
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And this is... proof of that, too, in a way, but it's not--he'd never--
If he looked surprised before, he's stunned into silence now. It's not emotionshare anymore, but it wouldn't matter even if it was, because his heart can't settle, he can't decide how to feel--whether he should be furious or touched or something else entirely.
Being angry is easy, so naturally, he lashes out first, though his shock colors his tone, making him sound more agitated than pissed off.]
Stupid--you risked your damn life for that?
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so important that he barely gave it a passing thought when he made his decision, because it turns out -- there are things more important to him than all the immutable truths he's grown up with -- and they all have to do with the person standing right here --]
You died.
[the agitation he can hear in Kanda's voice spurs his own,]
You died and I didn't know who or even why! I can accept that for anyone else, hell I did accept that -- but not for you.
[he swallows past the ache in his throat, his chest]
Never for you.
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